Mike Alvear’s Urge & Merge

It was just after midnight and we were curled up on her sofa, making out like teenagers. The first date had gone unusually well; hours of scintillating conversation, intermingled with blatant sexual innuendo, had led to a cab outside her home. When I asked if she intended to ‘invite me up for coffee’, she rolled her eyes. ‘I know exactly what kind of “coffee” you want.’

‘I like my coffee like I like my women’ I replied. ‘Dark, and just slightly bitter. Like you.’

In the flickering candlelight of her tiny living room, hands, mouths and lips were moving in synchronous motion. She was astride me, her bra vanished, and I was flicking counter-clockwise circles with the tip of my tongue around her perfectly formed, eraser-tip nipples, when I deftly slid my fingers into her jeans and down the crack of her ass. She paused.

‘I don’t think we should, tonight’ she heaved. ‘After all, it’s only our first date.’

I cradled her face in my hands. ‘We don’t have to. You’re the woman; you have the right to say no at any time. But we are adults. We’re here. We’re worked up. What is accomplished by sending me home all hot and bothered? I’m going to walk out the door and one of two things is going to happen: either we’re both going to go masturbate alone, or you’re going to masturbate and I’m going to go make a phone call. It’s up to you.’

Several hours and broken pieces of furniture later, we both agreed we’d come, to the right conclusion.

I’m always amazed in this day and age when I encounter women who choose to postpone sex with a man they think has relationship potential, either because they think they won’t be taken seriously if they sleep with a man on the first date, or out of some antiquated notion that unless you make us work for it, we won’t appreciate it.

I’m here to call bullshit on both. Read the rest of this entry »

A few weeks ago my boyfriend dumped me. Perhaps boyfriend is not exactly the term to use here, we were actually more like acquaintances with benefits. There is nothing particularly unique  about my story, though I must add here that I am happily married with almost grown children. However, like some women obsessively collect china or Pandora jewelry, I collect men.

Everyone needs a hobby.

So my friend breaking things off with me was no big deal, I’ll just go get a new one. What was unique was the reason that he ended our affair.

He was tired of me using him for sex.

Seriously.

This all occurred on my Monday appointment setting time. At the beginning of the week I line up my appointments; nails, blow outs, personal trainer, chiropractor, fuck buddy. Tuesday and Thursday evenings are reserved for my encounters. My family thinks I am at a Hadassah meeting or the gym, thus cannot be reached via cell phone for a few hours.

However that morning was different. He was nervous when he called me back on his “special” phone line. I keep a Tracfone (also referred to as my “booty call phone”) for my monsieur du jour, so that way there is no chance of them showing up on my regular cell phone bill. He had apparently thought through what he wanted to say ahead of time and the tightness of stress in his voice was evident. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh my! I opened my email box on POF (Plenty of Fish) and what do you think I saw for the first time ever? A message from Msstraddle asking me, “How are you today” with no question mark.  My rules go for both sexes.  No punctuation, no shot with me.  I am not gender biased when it comes to good grammar and I don’t make exceptions for good looking blond girls either.

“I have been on this site for eight and a half months and thought I had seen everything! When telling a friend, he said “well of course, you are cat-nip for lesbians.” If I did not cherish men like I do, I suppose I might try kissing a girl.  You know the song by Katie Perry?  I kissed a girl and I liked it…  And what if I did like it?  Soft, full, cherry-chap-stick-lips.  Smooth, firm skin.  Good smelling long hair.  Hey, I might just write myself into this idea….

In all seriousness, I am a man-o-holic.  I love men so much that I wish I could marry six of them at once.  That would be the ONLY way I would ever get married again.  The only problem with men is that they tend to be territorial when it comes to their lady and I know that Utah only allows polygamy to happen in reverse.  So single I will stay. Read the rest of this entry »

Wide-On noun. A slang term describing female sexual interest or arousal.
Ex: “I’ve never really noticed Josh Duhamel before, but these pictures give me a wide on.”

Last night I was searching desperately for the inspiration for a “Wide-On” feature for today, as I had no suggestions from my viewing audience (hint, hint) and I know everyone must be tired of the same blonde, Aryan types that I favor.

So I called my B.F, who I must add was absolutely no help at all. She prefers short, old, bald men and her two suggestions, Telly Savalas and Ed Asner, were both decidedly un-hot.

As well as dead. I think the girl has daddy issues.

So next I asked her daughter, and she did have two cute choices. They both looked to be around twelve though, so I’ll give those two some time to ripen on the vine a bit. Thankfully one of them was not Robert Patterson (from the movie “Twilight” for the pop culturally challenged), as I find him utterly vacuous looking.

Josh Duhamel was pretty hot to start with, but look what I found (more hot pics!):

Read the rest of this entry »

Alexander Skarsgard, otherwise known as “Eric Northman” on HBO’s hit series “True Blood,” embodies the dark eroticism and just raw sexuality that the disturbing theme song promises in the open credits. He is everywhere right now, Google his name or any variation and you’ll get millions of hits.

What makes the blonde, blue eyed Swede so magnetic as an improbable character-a thousand year old viking- in yet another cheesy vampire themed show? I have no idea really, but I’m buying into it and so is everyone else I know. Vampires are everywhere right now, from the “Twilight” series of books and movies, to the popularity of authors such as Charlaine Harris (creator of the “True Blood” characters in her “Sookie Stackhouse” series), J.R. Ward (Black Dagger Brotherhood), Sherrilyn Kenyon, Laurel Hamilton, and of course the God Mother of strange sexuality; Anne Rice.

This isn’t new though. Our thirst for the forbidden erotic started with a female demon from the Talmud named Lillith. Purported to be the first wife of Adam, she was portrayed in later scripture as a highly sexualized vampire like creature, a succubus, that came upon men in the night and drained them of their essence.  Against their will, of course.

Later, Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu and Bram Stoker further branded vampires in the public consciousness as deliverers of the ultimate sexual pleasure. Bringing this imagery to film only heightened the fascination we have for the undead. Ever notice that instead of a wince of pain as Dracula sank his fangs into a neck, that the victim looked transported into orgasmic ecstasy?

Read the rest of this entry »

When it comes to love and sex, guys have so many problems with the truth they should have business cards that read, “Professional Liar.”

Take a look at any city magazine’s “Most Eligible Bachelor & Bachelorette” feature and you’ll see what I mean.  Here’s a typical answer a guy gave in a section called, “What I look for in a woman:”

“Someone with a good sense of humor who likes to have fun, is confident in who they are, likes to travel, and is honest and goal-oriented.”

Oh, Please.  Ireland’s pastures long for that kind of manure.   We men are visually-oriented sexcentrics, yet we will never, if asked what we look for in a mate, say what we really want: Read the rest of this entry »

Unfortunately I forgot to apply my lidocaine ointment an hour before because I was in a huge tearing hurry to go purchase “True Blood-Season One”, so that I could spend some quality recuperation time with Alexander Skarsgard this afternoon.

So I had to go this treatment sans numbing ointment which hurts like burning hell. Just tap your face with a live wire about sixty times or so. Make sure you get into the hairline too, so that you have that burning flesh and hair smell.

I don’t know what normal people do on Mondays, but I spent mine looking at hot naked men all day. Well, not all day. I went for a doctor visit first, which is exactly that. We quickly dispense with the boring medical business; then talk shoes, boys, plastic surgery, and cosmetics. Then we plan to go to lunch or something. We spent most of the visit discussing whether or not she should get implants, and I told her I would do a post on my personal decision process later this week.

I saw so many pictures of naked men that I now have a condition called “dick lash”. Read the rest of this entry »

Wide-On. noun.  A slang term denoting a state of female sexual interest and arousal.
Ex: “Vaguely kinky pictures of tattooed men give me a wide-on.”

This week’s wide-on was suggested to me by an acquaintance that had dinner with him and his very cute Georgia born and bred wife, actress KaDee Strickland.

Although I had initially not recognized his name, as soon as I researched him I realized I had seen him in quite a few things. Any fans of the TV show Roswell or the movie “The Grudge” would have recognized the name or at least the cute ass immediately.

If his hand needs a rest, I would certainly volunteer to hold on for him. That looks like a mighty important piece of equipment.

These pictures make him look a bit like Jim Morrison and he is in the top ten of my all time greatest “Wide-On’s”.

You don’t have to be actually living to be hot. I’ve woken up with a few questionable ones before.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva

Want Even More Throbbing Wide-On Action?

Channing Tatum

Do you know how long it took me to type the above sentence? I kept hitting the wrong keys as I was distracted by the overflowing tighty whities of this week’s “Wide-On”, Channing Tatum.

Don’t you just want to reach in there and help him readjust? Lawsy mercy, mine eyes dazzle. Read the rest of this entry »