Mike Alvear

                YOUR ODDS.  ——->

You chatted online or talked on the phone almost every night for weeks.  You really fell for him even though you never physically met.  Then suddenly he stops all contact.  He won’t return your emails, texts or calls.   You’re crushed, and you just can’t rest until you know why he ended it.  How bad is it to ask for closure from someone you’ve never met?  If you’re talking every night for weeks doesn’t the other guy owe you something?

He owes you nothing.  N-O-T-H-I-N-G.   How can somebody you’ve never met owe you for something that never happened?   Besides, what if he’s hideous?  What if he’s a toxic waste dump who disguised himself as oceanfront property?  You’d end up getting closure from a foreclosure.

Yes, you’re hurt.  Who wouldn’t be?  But you’re the one who allowed it to happen.  The point of online dating is to hook up or date-not to have endless phone conversations and weave chat threads into adorable little sweaters.  The next time you meet somebody online cut to the chase.  Tell them you’re not here to type; you’re here to meet.   If he’s dodging all your invitations he ain’t just hinting that something ain’t right-he’s skywriting it.

The Three Stages of Clay Aiken:

1. Teen Girl Crush

2. Desperate Closet Case   

3. Loving Dad?

Aiken visiting a North Carolina summer camp affiliated with his charity.

Clay Aiken got his gal pal producer pregnant. Jewelry may have been involved but a pearl necklace was not.

I’ve always dismissed “Gay” Aiken as a lightweight. His singing made me long for a shot of insulin.  His flaming gay denials made me long for a can of lighter fluid.

But his pending fatherhood changed all that. He could have faked a girlfriend to throw people off his scent. He could have gotten married to cover his tracks. He could have gotten his “wife” pregnant to make the hounds go away.

But he didn’t.  Instead, he artificially inseminated a woman who wasn’t his girlfriend or wife and got two for the price of one:  He came out without any speeches and lived out a dream without living through a nightmare.

Good for him.  I still don’t like what he’s done to music but I love what he’s done to his character.  You can just tell he’s going to be a great parent.  Anybody who goes through the hellish machinations of IVF to bring a child into the world is doing it because they want to devote their lives to something bigger than themselves.

It’s the one where you lay on your back, put your arms above your head…

…and let your partner do all the work.

Sorry for the jab, Michael– not really talking about you, but people like you. Beautiful people with beautiful bodies. And what they’re like in bed. Anybody lucky enough to bag somebody way out of their league knows what I’m getting at:

Gorgeous guys make lousy lays.

They’re like restaurants in great locations–they don’t have to give good eats or good service because they don’t have to–the line’s out the door. Every session with a gorgeous guy is a three-way—you, him, and his ego. One girlfriend told me she went home with guy so high up in the beauty chart she got nose bleeds just looking at him. But he sucked in the sack. “I might as well have masturbated to his picture, for all the attention he gave to me,” she said.

You’d think Boys Burdened with Beauty would be great in bed just from the sheer volume of sex they have. But practice doesn’t make perfect if all you’re practicing is being adored. Or serviced. In my own experience of bagging the burdened, I could sense the expectation of the status imbalance:  Since I was at the bottom of the pecking order I was to do all the pecking.

There’s one exception: Guys who grew into their beauty–the fatties and nerds who bloomed later in life. They experienced the sting of rejection, the pain of being sexually invisible. And through their suffering they learned an open secret about great sex: Giving pleasure is often hotter than taking it.

It’s like real estate: It all depends on the location.

Anywhere else–good luck.

In editorial meetings for our TV show, The Sex Inspectors, we decided it’d be easier to teach guys how to screw than to kiss. Maybe because men would rather be sexual than romantic. Or maybe because women consider kissing to be more intimate than sex and really, how do you teach intimacy?

Either way, this *hilarious* video of my co-host Tracey Cox with England’s version of Stephen Colbert, “Keith Barret,” makes the point: There are some thing you just can’t teach a guy:

“Teaching a man how to kiss” (sorry, the BBC won’t allow embeds)

Exactly what is Jenna Jameson going to say to her child when she grows up?

"This is Mommy when she was trying real hard to get pregnant with you, honey"

Do gay guys have as much sex as everybody thinks?  Are we walking mattresses?  Do we take a case worker approach to men?  (”Next!”)

Yes.

About 2% of us. The rest of us WISH we were having that much sex.  But we aren’t. Here’s why:  Most of us want to do the deed with a dude that we dig, not just a dick we digged up.  Getting sex is easy; getting sex with somebody you want is not.

There’s a fundamental truth about being single:  Most of the people you’re attracted to aren’t attracted to you.  Hence, most of us, most of the time, don’t get laid.

Anecdotal proof:

The U.K.’s Attitude Magazine asked a couple of good-looking gay writers to try their hardest to go home with a guy.  The only rule: It had to be somebody that turned them on.  The first writer spent four hours online.  Nothing.  The second writer spent three hours at a bar.  No dice.  This is the reality for most of us, most of the time.

If sex is the gay handshake most of us need a new hand.