Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

Why?  When Phelps was caught smoking pot he said he only took one hit–and held it for three minutes.

This week Michael Phelps was awarded a gold medal for stamina by a stripper who participated in a three-way with him and a lap dancer. She claimed he was able to perform for three hours straight:

“The sex lasted for about three hours. Michael should get another Olympic gold for marathon love-making!” she told the New York Post.

Whoo hoo, you can’t be serious. There’s not enough lube in the world to make that pleasurable. Even if he divided his time between the stripper and the lap dancer, that’s still a solid 90 minutes of thrusting per vagina. At about 90 tpm’s, that’s over 8,000 thrusts per girl. Um, no. No, thank you. That right there is a myth that needs to be debunked immediately. Read the rest of this entry »

A recent letter:

I’m getting penis envy from hanging around all these dating and hookup sites.  Amazingly, the average dick size in these chat rooms is eight inches!  Yes, 8 inches!  I know because people tell me so.  Of course, they’re measuring from the crack of their ass to the tip of their lies, but maybe I’m being a sore sport.  My question:  For those of us who want to know how big our dicks REALLY are, what’s the best way of measuring them?

—    Digging deep for one last inch

Dear Digging:

So here’s the bad news:  the average penis size is not six inches.  The “six inch myth” got started when Kinsey did his landmark penis size study back in the 50’s.  Although there were 2,000 men in his study, it had a fatal flaw—the results were self-reported.   Men were asked to go into a room, get themselves hard and measure themselves.  Now tell me, would you believe anything coming out of a man’s mouth while he’s holding his dick?   I mean, who do you think came up with maps that say an inch equals a mile–women?

 Realizing that too many men were backdating their stock options, urologists developed a new way of measuring the size of the prize:  A third party.  So, now every legitimate penis study includes medical staff doing the measuring and reporting.  And guess what happened?  The average erect penis size shrank from Kinsey’ 6.2 inches to 5.1 inches.  Yes, the average size is just over five inches.  Kinda makes you weep, doesn’t it?  

If you want to know your exact measurements, here’s how to do it:

1.  Get undressed in room temperature. “Shrinkage” will occur if it’s cold.  

2.  Use a cloth ruler.  Tape measures or straightedge rulers don’t measure curvatures well.   

3.  Lie on your back and start where the base of your penis meets your stomach.  Do NOT start from the back of your balls.  Nobody includes the basement when they quote the height of a skyscraper, so don’t include the tip of your ass in quoting yours.

4.  Round up to the nearest centimeter, not the nearest foot.

5.  Read it and weep.  Most men will fall between four and six inches, with the average being 5.1 inches.  

Actually, there’s a much faster and easier way to measure your cock.  You don’t even need to get hard to do it.  All you have to do is stretch your flaccid flogger and measure it from the penopubic region to the tip.  Believe it or not, every major study shows a high correlation between erectile and flaccid/stretched length.  

Now, here’s an interesting trick I learned from a condom company.  If you want to find out if you have a big dick without measuring it, then put a tube of toilet paper over your erect penis.  If it slides all the way down to the base, you’re average or below average.  If it gets stuck, then pop the champagne corks because you’re one of the lucky few.  Yes, FEW.  Condom manufacturers estimate that only 6% of the population needs extra-large rubbers.  I know.  Another reason to cry.