Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

Why do so many effeminate gay men prefer in their partners the very masculinity they’ve bleached out of themselves?

The obvious answer is that they’re attracted to their opposites. But that answer only goes so far. Effeminate men may lust for their masculine counterparts but most masculine men don’t return the favor.

Effeminate men get hoisted on their own chiffon petards. The more they take on effeminate characteristics the less able they are to attract the kinds of guys they want to sleep with. This is a mating absurdity.

Imagine birds trying to attract mates with red and white plumage when the objects of their affection are attracted to yellow and green.

The mis-matched mating call of the merry marys brings up a great question: If effeminacy is counter-productive to attracting the kind of sexual partners you want, then why not butch it up? Read the rest of this entry »

Most guys can’t get themselves to talk to a guy they’re attracted to because of something called Approach Anxiety–the fear of starting a conversation with an attractive stranger. A lot of the fear comes from setting unreasonable goals. For example, telling yourself you need to go to the other side of the bar and pick up that hottie in the corner is about the most unreasonable goal you can come up with. Why? Because you’re not ready. You can’t expect to get to the top of Mt. Hottie without so much as setting up base camp and sharpening your climbing skills.

That’s why you’ve got to set attainable goals. “Meet a quality guy,” “Sleep with a hot man” or “get a husband” may be things you want, but they don’t qualify as reasonable goals. You can’t get there from where you are. You’d get better results–and faster ones–if you had goals that weren’t tied to outcomes. So here’s a stellar gay tip: From now on, when you go out, your main objective is to:
Read the rest of this entry »

From a reader:

I’m no good at gay pickups. Every weekend I go out to the gay bars and freeze every time I see a good looking guy I’m interested in. I just can’t bring myself to approach them even when I think I have half a chance. How do I get over this paralyzing fear? Am I going to end up alone beating off to porn for the rest of my life?

- Don’t know what to do

Dear Don’t Know:

You’ve got Hot Guy Phobia—the fear of meeting attractive guys when there are no physical reasons keeping you from it. It’s also called “Approach Anxiety,” and it gives gay dating a nasty little rash that won’t go away without a little work.

Approach anxiety and conversational skill deficiencies feed on each other. If you knew exactly what to say and how to say it, your approach anxiety would melt like I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

But there’s an even bigger reason that approach anxiety rears its ugly head and keeps gay men from connecting with the kind of guys they want to date: Believing that good looking strangers are something they’re not.

Most of us see an attractive guy as a goal–something we want to, ahem, achieve. But if he’s a goal, taking the chance of approaching him has only two possible outcomes: Leave with him in your arms or your tail between your legs.

The thing about goals is that you either achieve them or you don’t. You win or lose, it’s black and white, sink or swim. Actually, it’s worse. When your goal is love, sex or both, it feels more like Live or Die. You either get validated by a beautiful guy or die of embarrassment from trying to talk to him. That’s a pretty high price for what amounts to saying hello.

So what’s the secret to overcoming your fear of rejection? It’s coming to a profound realization about that hottie in the corner:

He’s not a goal. He’s a portal.

The guy you want to meet is not an objective; he’s an entryway. He’s somebody who’s going to lead you to the next moment in your life. He may be the next guy you date but what if he ends up introducing you to the next guy you date? What if he becomes your next acquaintance, friend, or business contact? Or the guy who points you to the sports league you didn’t know existed, the concert you didn’t know was scheduled or that restaurant that just opened. Maybe you’ll just get a great story out of the experience of meeting him. Or a funny joke. But if you’re open to all of it, any of it, then suddenly Mr. Hot, by the definition of a portal, CAN’T induce fear of rejection, ridicule or loss. He can only instill a sense of curiosity about what’s next.

Once you’ve redefined and realigned your perception of attractive guys, the fear of rejection goes away. But you’re still left with a major dilemma: What do you say to an attractive stranger that won’t make you sound like an idiot? I cover that extensively in my new ebook, Meet The Hottie In The Corner, and will touch on it in later columns. For now, work on the law of gay attraction by changing your perceptions. Every time you see a hottie, picture a doorway.

From a reader:

When I was younger I was a tad promiscuous, sleeping with half of the city by the time I was 19. I don’t regret it because I enjoy sex and it was my own choice. I still have sex but not nearly as much as I used to. The thing is, because of my past, it’s making it kinda harder for me to find a boyfriend. Whenever I meet someone new they either know me as a slut or they find out through their friends. How can I get past my “reputation” to land a lover?

– Tainted

Dear Tainted:
I’d rather hear that you’ve stopped plugging every opening you walked by because it’s no longer fulfilling, not because you’re scared of what people will think. If you’re serious about taming that Access of Evil between your legs, you’ve got a few options, but before we go into that, allow me a rant: Read the rest of this entry »

The rules are different in the gay dating world. Men understand each other better than women do. Every guy looks at other guys –I don’t care how in love they are. You achieve monogamy through discipline, not mind-control; through resisting actions not thoughts. My God, if I were judged by my thoughts I’d have been shot more times than a black man innocently bumping into white cops.

Feeling that you cheated on your boyfriend because you flirted with guys is like saying you cheated on your diet because you smelled some sausages. Just like smelling something delicious won’t ruin your diet, flirting with guys won’t ruin your relationship. Though I have to say, it depends on what you mean by flirting.

I think the first thing you need to do is get a sense of proportion about what constitutes cheating. Here’s an index I built for a seminar I led about monogamy:
Read the rest of this entry »

From a reader:

I’m 42, and everything still works. There is this 18 year old at my place of employment that has never been “worked.” We are very attracted to each other. I’m sure that in this small town (where gay dating is an untested concept) he doesn’t know any other gay guys. He’s too damn young, and I have the common sense not to see anybody from work, but pickins are so slim around here (it’s almost impossible to meet gay men), and it’s been so long since I’ve been with anyone that I may not be able to help myself. Events and his hints are soon going to put him in my apartment with me alone, and I’m afraid I’m going to practically rape him if he gives me that hungry look one more time. I’m allowing all this to happen, and I feel like disaster looms in the future if we go through with it. It’s like watching a slow train wreck.
BUT, I’m so damn horny I can’t stand it. What’s your gay advice?

– Small Town Blues

Dear Blues:
Dude, he’s an adult. As long as you’re not supervising him or have any influence over his career, there is nothing unethical about bending a co-worker over the rail and pounding the dust out of his rug. Awkward, yes. Unethical, no.

Read the rest of this entry »

1. Your name is Victoria? Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
2. If you won’t let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
3. Hey, how ’bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
4. “I’m the droid you’re looking for.”
5. I’m looking for somebody who won’t block my pop-up.
6. You got me stuck on Caps Lock, if you know what I mean.
7. “Nice Asimov.”
8. After you download me you’ll never need a system update again.
9. My name’s Vista. Can I crash at your place tonight?
10. You compute me.

A step-by-step manual that shows you how to start a conversation with a hottie who isn’t looking back at you. Learn a profound new way of perceiving attractive guys (it will make your fear of rejection evaporate) and how to deliver rejection-proof approaches field tested in gay bars and parties. With glowing reviews from The Huffing Post (“A sensational way of meeting gay men that women can learn from.”) no wonder it’s the #1 best selling gay ebook in the U.S.

Boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends.

From a reader:

I’m always pursuing guys that I can’t have and running away from guys that show interest. I’m a sad contradiction. I’m always alone and find myself longing for a boyfriend. Whenever hot guys do approach me I freeze up and can’t look at them or talk to them and they in turn believe there is no interest and move on. I cruise guys but am afraid to make the first move. I’ve lost out on a lot of hot men over the years and realize I have no one to blame but myself.

On top of that, I had one relationship over 14 years ago and he ended it. Since then, I’m afraid to open up to anyone. I think he’ll only see my flaws once he gets to know me, dump me and my self-esteem will suffer. I lost my job after that relationship ended, obsessing over him and feeling like I was worthless and am afraid it could happen again. My inability to open up to anyone has earned me a bad reputation in this town and many guys won’t approach me. They think I’m a cock-tease or just an asshole.

I’ve sought therapy before and that was a waste of money so I’m hoping maybe you have some insight for me. I read your column a lot and think you offer a lot of good advice. What can I do to get over these hang-ups and finally find the loving relationship I think I want? I’m tired of seeing others happy as life passes me by.

– Lost & Desperate

Dear Lost & Desperate:
There are lots of things I could suggest that would help you get over your fear of approaching guys or to make yourself approachable. In fact, I cover all of them in my new ebook, Attract Hotter Guys. But you know what? Save yourself the money—it won’t help people like you. Unless you have some fundamental sense of self—which you don’t—the tips and techniques in my book won’t do you any good.

I’ve said it a million times—boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends. Unfortunately, the first instinct of unhappy bastards like you is to find something outside of them to make them happy. Even if you did find someone to make you, happy you’d end up driving him away with your unhappiness. So, instead of looking for bliss to flow into you I’d work on getting it to flow out of you.

Give up the search for a while. Stop wearing the T-shirt that says “Unit Available” and switch to the one saying, “Off The Market.” It’s only by turning off the 24/7 Boyfriend Scanner that you’ll find the strength and focus to do the hard work required. Namely, going back to therapy and sticking with it.

You did to therapy what you do in your love life: Seek, find and sabotage. So, therapy’s a wonderful place to start breaking the pattern. Plus, you’ll get lots of insight and straighten out the mess you’ve become. It’s a two-fer.

In some ways, I think people like you enjoy the complaining too much to actually do something about the sad state of your love life. A lot of men don’t really want a relationship—they just like looking for one. And what they’re looking for is a canvas to paint their unhappiness on.

If you spent less time bitching and moaning and more time working and healing you’d become happier. And then my ebook will help!

“Nice Shoes, Wanna Fuck?”

Gay men have a reputation for having a three-word philosophy: Anything That Moves. There’s a perception that we can have whomever we want whenever we want for whatever we need. Not true. We throw a look or a smile and if we get it back, SCHWING! But if we don’t get it back–and trust me, mostly we don’t…the wheels come off. We’re as threatened by beauty, tongue-tied by crushes, and paralyzed by fear as straight guys when they see a beautiful woman.

That’s why the reaction most gay guys have when they see somebody at a party or a bar goes something like this: Read the rest of this entry »