Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

A few weeks ago my boyfriend dumped me. Perhaps boyfriend is not exactly the term to use here, we were actually more like acquaintances with benefits. There is nothing particularly unique  about my story, though I must add here that I am happily married with almost grown children. However, like some women obsessively collect china or Pandora jewelry, I collect men.

Everyone needs a hobby.

So my friend breaking things off with me was no big deal, I’ll just go get a new one. What was unique was the reason that he ended our affair.

He was tired of me using him for sex.

Seriously.

This all occurred on my Monday appointment setting time. At the beginning of the week I line up my appointments; nails, blow outs, personal trainer, chiropractor, fuck buddy. Tuesday and Thursday evenings are reserved for my encounters. My family thinks I am at a Hadassah meeting or the gym, thus cannot be reached via cell phone for a few hours.

However that morning was different. He was nervous when he called me back on his “special” phone line. I keep a Tracfone (also referred to as my “booty call phone”) for my monsieur du jour, so that way there is no chance of them showing up on my regular cell phone bill. He had apparently thought through what he wanted to say ahead of time and the tightness of stress in his voice was evident. Read the rest of this entry »

Hop on Board!

My column gets a lot of “BGO” questions—the kind whose answers contain a Blinding Glimpse of the Obvious.  They’re almost always about dating a guy who’s meeting you a quarter of the way. He’s paying just enough attention to show that he likes you but not enough to make anything real out of it. 

It’s not that he doesn’t text you.  It’s that he’s responding to every other one of yours.   It’s not that he doesn’t want to see you, but he doesn’t make a great effort to. The sex is fantastic but dinner seems out of the question.

The truth is, he’s sending you a message but you’re too deaf to hear it.  And the hearing loss is directly proportional to how loud he’s yelling.  

Exhibit A, from a recent column:

Yo, Mike!

I met this guy last Friday and we spent the entire weekend together.  We then spent Monday night together, took a break Tuesday night, and then spent Thursday night together.   I’m totally crushing on him, but he’s like, “I don’t go on dates, I’m more into just having “friends” and “hanging out.”   Am I wasting my time trying to pursue a relationship with someone who just wants to be “friends”?

 

- Crushed Out

I used to answer these BGO questions with rapid-fire insults.  Like, “You idiot.  He doesn’t want to be with you—he wants to be in you!”

But then I started to get so many of them I realized either there are a lot of idiots in the world or something else is going on.  And of course, there is:  Self-delusion.  Hope, lust and longing can make you deaf, dumb and blind.  I know, not just from the letters I get, but from experience.  The hope that he wants you as much as you want him clouds your judgment.  You start interpreting his actions based on what you want the truth to be rather than what it is.

So, I’m trying not to insult people as much as I used to, though old habits are hard to break.  Instead, I try to get them to see it from a different perspective.  Here’s the short answer I gave to “Crushed Out”:   

‘The Clue Bus smashed into your living room and you’re in the back yard looking for it.  Read your email again and pretend it’s from a friend asking for your advice.  I promise you’ll smack right into the bus.  Hop on board and back it up.’