Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

Women can do it because they can attach erotic desire to personality traits. Men? Ha!

That’s why most of us live within the narrow confines of our sexual bandwidth. The point was poignantly made by one gay guy who wrote to me:

“Guys nearly always want someone with their own body type, and I’ll never have it. I’m a beanpole by nature: thousands of hours of weight training haven’t turned me into a hunk, just made me less skinny. No reputable doctor will prescribe anabolic steroids to me, and I don’t want to risk doing illicit steroids. Given the Gay Rules of Attraction, I know my chance of getting a studly boyfriend is slight-to-vanishing.”

Can he change the body type he’s attracted to? Read the rest of this entry »

As the author of the first body language book for gay men, I’m often asked how male body language affects guy-on-guy dating. The answer is plenty. But to understand why certain postures, gestures and expressions make you more appealing to gay guys, you have to understand the 5 major principles of gay body language:

#1. Words lie, bodies don’t.

The truth leaks out of our bodies like a pockmarked water pail. As soon as we put a finger in one hole another one opens up. You may think you look calm, cool and collected, but look down– your foot’s tapping the floor like a woodpecker. Sexual signals bounce all over the place whenever gay men get together, and they’re being sent with heads, eyes, arms, hands, legs, and feet. Yes, feet. Long story, keep reading.

#2. Your body language changes when you see somebody hot. And you’re usually not aware of it.

Hidden camera studies show that a man’s posture changes when he sees somebody that turns him on. He, or more to the point, YOU, will:

1. Pull your stomach. (To look sleeker)
2. Throw your shoulders back (to occupy more space)
3. Puff up your chest (to look bigger)
4. Lift your head (To look taller)
5. Protrude your jaw (to look more dominant)

It’s a form of preening. Researchers call it “Auto-erotic signaling.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Fucked,
You’re not a rejection junkie; you’re a new meat junkie. Big difference. Oh, and that bullshit about not liking the game? Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining. You love the game –as long as you’re the dealer and not the dealt with. Here’s why you’re chasing your tail and how you can stop:

1. The Hunt is More Exciting Than the Catch.

The pursuit is giving you something that being pursued does not: Anticipation, excitement, spontaneity, conquest and drama. OH GOD, THE DRAMA! And of course, that New Dick Smell. Read the rest of this entry »

Clearly we don’t go around saluting like SS guards, but you’d be surprised at how every day palm gestures can have nearly the same negative effects. Quick example: I have a good friend who’s fairly disliked by a good many people. Although I think he’s kind and generous, some folks have taken me aside and said, “There’s something about him that rubs me the wrong way.”

That “something” is the way he uses his palms. In the Hitler example, you saw the raw emotional power of a simple palm position, but again, that’s not realistic. Here’s how your palms can make somebody dislike you (like my friend) in a real conversation.

Read the rest of this entry »

If you can’t master the keys on the phone you’re never going to get the keys to his door.

Studies show the average person sends or receives over 100 texts a year. If you’ve met somebody you’re interested in, you’ve gotta learn the art of going from textual to sexual.

“Hey, what’s up?”

You may as well have texted:

Not only are you announcing that you’ve got the personality of a Kansas zip code, you’re leaving him in the awkward situation of creating the value for a conversation you started.

If you start a text thread don’t ask for value; deliver it.

Your goal shouldn’t be to start a conversation. It should be to bring a smile to their face. Be quirky, fun, observational. Which text would you rather get:

“Hi, how are you?”

Or

Read the rest of this entry »

Boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends.

From a reader:

I’m always pursuing guys that I can’t have and running away from guys that show interest. I’m a sad contradiction. I’m always alone and find myself longing for a boyfriend. Whenever hot guys do approach me I freeze up and can’t look at them or talk to them and they in turn believe there is no interest and move on. I cruise guys but am afraid to make the first move. I’ve lost out on a lot of hot men over the years and realize I have no one to blame but myself.

On top of that, I had one relationship over 14 years ago and he ended it. Since then, I’m afraid to open up to anyone. I think he’ll only see my flaws once he gets to know me, dump me and my self-esteem will suffer. I lost my job after that relationship ended, obsessing over him and feeling like I was worthless and am afraid it could happen again. My inability to open up to anyone has earned me a bad reputation in this town and many guys won’t approach me. They think I’m a cock-tease or just an asshole.

I’ve sought therapy before and that was a waste of money so I’m hoping maybe you have some insight for me. I read your column a lot and think you offer a lot of good advice. What can I do to get over these hang-ups and finally find the loving relationship I think I want? I’m tired of seeing others happy as life passes me by.

– Lost & Desperate

Dear Lost & Desperate:
There are lots of things I could suggest that would help you get over your fear of approaching guys or to make yourself approachable. In fact, I cover all of them in my new ebook, Attract Hotter Guys. But you know what? Save yourself the money—it won’t help people like you. Unless you have some fundamental sense of self—which you don’t—the tips and techniques in my book won’t do you any good.

I’ve said it a million times—boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends. Unfortunately, the first instinct of unhappy bastards like you is to find something outside of them to make them happy. Even if you did find someone to make you, happy you’d end up driving him away with your unhappiness. So, instead of looking for bliss to flow into you I’d work on getting it to flow out of you.

Give up the search for a while. Stop wearing the T-shirt that says “Unit Available” and switch to the one saying, “Off The Market.” It’s only by turning off the 24/7 Boyfriend Scanner that you’ll find the strength and focus to do the hard work required. Namely, going back to therapy and sticking with it.

You did to therapy what you do in your love life: Seek, find and sabotage. So, therapy’s a wonderful place to start breaking the pattern. Plus, you’ll get lots of insight and straighten out the mess you’ve become. It’s a two-fer.

In some ways, I think people like you enjoy the complaining too much to actually do something about the sad state of your love life. A lot of men don’t really want a relationship—they just like looking for one. And what they’re looking for is a canvas to paint their unhappiness on.

If you spent less time bitching and moaning and more time working and healing you’d become happier. And then my ebook will help!

“Nice Shoes, Wanna Fuck?”

Gay men have a reputation for having a three-word philosophy: Anything That Moves. There’s a perception that we can have whomever we want whenever we want for whatever we need. Not true. We throw a look or a smile and if we get it back, SCHWING! But if we don’t get it back–and trust me, mostly we don’t…the wheels come off. We’re as threatened by beauty, tongue-tied by crushes, and paralyzed by fear as straight guys when they see a beautiful woman.

That’s why the reaction most gay guys have when they see somebody at a party or a bar goes something like this: Read the rest of this entry »

1. Are you hitting on me? If he likes you, you’re in. Stop reading. Go home. Enjoy him. If he’s not sure or he’s not immediately attracted, you better give him a reason for talking or your going to get your approach stamped, “REQUEST DENIED!” So say something like, “Help me settle a bet with a friend…” or “I’m asking you because…” The point is to give him context. You can always try the direct route—“because I want to bend you over the railing and pound the dust out of your rug.” But really, if it were that easy you wouldn’t need to read this post.

2. How long are you going to be? If he’s not immediately attracted to you, he’ll spend the whole time trying to get rid of you. So, use a “Time Constraint” –something that lets him know he’s a pit stop, not a landing spot. Like, “I have to get back to my friend in a sec, but I have to ask you…” Pair it with symmetrical body language—leaning away, or taking a couple of steps away as you’re talking. When it comes to dating or hooking up, the shortest distance between two zippers isn’t always a straight line.

By giving him 1) a rationale for talking and 2) leaving quickly, you’ve set up an exquisite question in your future ex-husband’s mind–“Was that guy interested or just being friendly?” That’s exactly where you want him: Wondering. Because wondering will make him more receptive to your company when you come back–and you will (more on how later), giving you the opportunity to charm the pants off him.

And inch him closer to that railing.