Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

Dear Confused:
Oh, yes, by all means tell him. Start the conversation off by watching porn together and yelling, “Now THAT’S a cock!”

Listen, there’s a fine line between honesty and cruelty. Imagine your boyfriend sitting you down and saying, “Honey, you’re a fantastic woman except your breasts aren’t big enough and your vagina looks like a wizard’s sleeve.”

Capiche? Good. That said, you are perfectly within your right to…

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That quote was part of a long list compiled by writer Sandra Prior.

It’s one of the best lists I’ve ever read about The Male Mind. Rounding out the rest of my top ten:

1. I think about you more than you realize. I just don’t phone or e-mail you every time it happens.

2. Making me ask a man for directions is like me telling you to ask another woman for fashion advice.

3. I love being seduced, so please do it more often. Always being the one to start things off sexually puts more pressure on me than you realize.

4. It’s actually not okay to pee in front of me all the time. It’s just a little too familiar, you know?

5. If I stand a chance with you, never play hard to get. I’m so freaked out by rejection I’ll just assume you aren’t into me and stop calling.

For the rest of my top ten (and the 40+ quotes on the rest of the list…)
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Studies show the average penis size is…

Weep alert! Only 6% of men need extra large condoms

Hysterical video on how to measure your penis (PG rated)

A lot smaller than you think.

The six inch myth started with Kinsey’s famous study in the 50′s that asked two thousand guys to self-report the size of their prize.  Yes, SELF-REPORT.   Two objections, as I see it: 

1)  Starting with maps, men believe that an inch equals a mile.  Did Kinsey really believe that guys would tell the truth?

2)  Would you believe anything a man says when he’s holding his penis?

Researchers, unfazed by male hallucinations, decided to take matters into their own hands and do the measuring themselves.  And the results?  Study after study shows the average erect penis size is about 5.2 inches.   

I swear if men were born with business cards, they’d read, “Professional Liar.”

Of course, most of this lying covers up a widespread insecurity, so we can have a little pity.  Every guy feels like he’s got the smallest tool in the lockers. The penis enlargement emails that seem to be targeted specifically at us don’t help–especially the ones from our moms.

If you’re going to compare yourself to other guys at least level the playing field. You’re seeing their junk at a forty-five degree angle but looking straight down at yours, which makes it look tiny. So, don’t look down; look in the mirror.

But if you really want to compare there’s only one way to do it–Measure yourself.  Here’s how contemporary researchers suggest you do it:   Read the rest of this entry »

Remember, round up to the nearest centimeter, not the nearest FOOT.

A recent letter:

I’m getting penis envy from hanging around all these dating and hookup sites.  Amazingly, the average dick size in these chat rooms is eight inches!  Yes, 8 inches!  I know because people tell me so.  Of course, they’re measuring from the crack of their ass to the tip of their lies, but maybe I’m being a sore sport.  My question:  For those of us who want to know how big our dicks REALLY are, what’s the best way of measuring them?

—    Digging deep for one last inch

Dear Digging:

So here’s the bad news:  the average penis size is not six inches.  The “six inch myth” got started when Kinsey did his landmark penis size study back in the 50’s.  Although there were 2,000 men in his study, it had a fatal flaw—the results were self-reported.   Men were asked to go into a room, get themselves hard and measure themselves.  Now tell me, would you believe anything coming out of a man’s mouth while he’s holding his dick?   I mean, who do you think came up with maps that say an inch equals a mile–women?

 Realizing that too many men were backdating their stock options, urologists developed a new way of measuring the size of the prize:  A third party.  So, now every legitimate penis study includes medical staff doing the measuring and reporting.  And guess what happened?  The average erect penis size shrank from Kinsey’ 6.2 inches to 5.1 inches.  Yes, the average size is just over five inches.  Kinda makes you weep, doesn’t it?  

If you want to know your exact measurements, here’s how to do it:

1.  Get undressed in room temperature. “Shrinkage” will occur if it’s cold.  

2.  Use a cloth ruler.  Tape measures or straightedge rulers don’t measure curvatures well.   

3.  Lie on your back and start where the base of your penis meets your stomach.  Do NOT start from the back of your balls.  Nobody includes the basement when they quote the height of a skyscraper, so don’t include the tip of your ass in quoting yours.

4.  Round up to the nearest centimeter, not the nearest foot.

5.  Read it and weep.  Most men will fall between four and six inches, with the average being 5.1 inches.  

Actually, there’s a much faster and easier way to measure your cock.  You don’t even need to get hard to do it.  All you have to do is stretch your flaccid flogger and measure it from the penopubic region to the tip.  Believe it or not, every major study shows a high correlation between erectile and flaccid/stretched length.  

Now, here’s an interesting trick I learned from a condom company.  If you want to find out if you have a big dick without measuring it, then put a tube of toilet paper over your erect penis.  If it slides all the way down to the base, you’re average or below average.  If it gets stuck, then pop the champagne corks because you’re one of the lucky few.  Yes, FEW.  Condom manufacturers estimate that only 6% of the population needs extra-large rubbers.  I know.  Another reason to cry.