I get so anxious when I get ready to go out I make my coffee nervous
Anybody got a Xanax for my Folger’s?
Getting Ready at Home
I can’t wear this shirt– It’s so gay it practically lisps. Wardrobe change!
Ahh, better. But wait! This one doesn’t bring out the green in my eyes. Though it does bring out the red. Christ, where’s the Visine?
Okay, here’s the perfect shirt. Tight enough to show my pecs, loose enough to look like I didn’t wear it to show off my pecs.
Bathroom
Oh, my God! Look at that hair! I shouldn’t have straightened it. It looks like James Brown’s hair: “Fried, dyed, and laid to the side.”
What am I going to do? Wait. Got it. There. Not bad. The place is casual anyway. A baseball cap won’t look too bad.
Living Room
I better do some push-ups and sit-ups before I get there. Okay, on three: “We Must, We Must, We Must Increase Our Bust. The-Bigger-The-Better-The-Tighter –The-Sweater, The More The Boys Will Look At Us.”
Car
Oh, crap! I can’t wear these shoes! Look how scuffed they are!
Back to House
Better. Okay, check the mirror one more time. Damn, why couldn’t I have been born with two eyebrows like everyone else? I better shave the middle part so I don’t look like I’ve got a caterpillar crawling across my forehead.
Back to Car
Man, I hope that guy Bobby isn’t there. An hour after meeting him at the bar, the voltage was so high a surge protector wouldn’t have helped. “Come home with me,” I whispered. That’s when I got “ambivalented.” You know, when a guy mentally works out the pros and cons of going home with you while you’re standing in front of him.
“Let me think about it,” he said. I felt like a cattle rustler trotted me out and the buyer couldn’t decide whether he liked my hooves. So back into the pen I went.
I swear, being single is so painful. I can’t believe I just stood there while he did the math in his head.
Parking Lot
Okay, I’m here. Forget about Bobby. Last chance to check my look and bait the hook. Damn, I freakin’ pulled the rear-view mirror off the windshield! Calm down! It’s not like the world’s going to end if I don’t meet someone. Read the rest of this entry »
