Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

Raise your hand if you’ve ever survived a difficult relationship with a man and decided life surely must be better on the opposite side of the fence. I don’t know if gay men go through that thought  process, but everyone of my girlfriends has said it at least once jokingly after a horrendous breakup.

Being a literal sort of girl, I decided to go see if that pasture was any greener than the straight side of the field.

I decide to pole vault into girl-on-girl world in the summer of 1988. Having had at least a decade of dick behind me (sometimes literally), I noticed my lesbian friends seemed to be having a hell of a lot more fun than I was. I had already slept with women in college, so that so called taboo was out of the way.

Luckily I had my own personal guide to lesbian Atlanta to help ease the transition. She would show up at work on Mondays with blackened eyes and enormous hickeys from her weekend romps, sharing  her adventures with our co-workers during smoke breaks. Her pickups showered her with attention; sending flowers, taking her to lunch, giving her rent money. There was an endless line up of older gay women in expensive cars spoiling her rotten and that looked like exactly what I needed too. At that point in my life I had financially and emotionally supported an ever changing line up of would be rock stars, so a sugar mama sounded like a dream come true.

I started hitting up the gay bars with her on weekends. I chopped off my hair into a cute, shaggy little cut and found freedom in a cosmetic free face. I added some polo shirts and flat shoes to my wardrobe. I danced my Doc Martin shod feet off to “I Just Want To Be Your Lover Girl”  at the Sports Page  and Talluleh’s.

I discovered that picking up women is a lot more difficult than picking up men. Read the rest of this entry »

Boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends.

From a reader:

I’m always pursuing guys that I can’t have and running away from guys that show interest. I’m a sad contradiction. I’m always alone and find myself longing for a boyfriend. Whenever hot guys do approach me I freeze up and can’t look at them or talk to them and they in turn believe there is no interest and move on. I cruise guys but am afraid to make the first move. I’ve lost out on a lot of hot men over the years and realize I have no one to blame but myself.

On top of that, I had one relationship over 14 years ago and he ended it. Since then, I’m afraid to open up to anyone. I think he’ll only see my flaws once he gets to know me, dump me and my self-esteem will suffer. I lost my job after that relationship ended, obsessing over him and feeling like I was worthless and am afraid it could happen again. My inability to open up to anyone has earned me a bad reputation in this town and many guys won’t approach me. They think I’m a cock-tease or just an asshole.

I’ve sought therapy before and that was a waste of money so I’m hoping maybe you have some insight for me. I read your column a lot and think you offer a lot of good advice. What can I do to get over these hang-ups and finally find the loving relationship I think I want? I’m tired of seeing others happy as life passes me by.

– Lost & Desperate

Dear Lost & Desperate:
There are lots of things I could suggest that would help you get over your fear of approaching guys or to make yourself approachable. In fact, I cover all of them in my new ebook, Attract Hotter Guys. But you know what? Save yourself the money—it won’t help people like you. Unless you have some fundamental sense of self—which you don’t—the tips and techniques in my book won’t do you any good.

I’ve said it a million times—boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends. Unfortunately, the first instinct of unhappy bastards like you is to find something outside of them to make them happy. Even if you did find someone to make you, happy you’d end up driving him away with your unhappiness. So, instead of looking for bliss to flow into you I’d work on getting it to flow out of you.

Give up the search for a while. Stop wearing the T-shirt that says “Unit Available” and switch to the one saying, “Off The Market.” It’s only by turning off the 24/7 Boyfriend Scanner that you’ll find the strength and focus to do the hard work required. Namely, going back to therapy and sticking with it.

You did to therapy what you do in your love life: Seek, find and sabotage. So, therapy’s a wonderful place to start breaking the pattern. Plus, you’ll get lots of insight and straighten out the mess you’ve become. It’s a two-fer.

In some ways, I think people like you enjoy the complaining too much to actually do something about the sad state of your love life. A lot of men don’t really want a relationship—they just like looking for one. And what they’re looking for is a canvas to paint their unhappiness on.

If you spent less time bitching and moaning and more time working and healing you’d become happier. And then my ebook will help!

If you say “I am forty-three” people will hear “I have leprosy.”

Guest Blogger Tony Thompson on how 30 is the new 70.

There is no bigger cosmic joke on humanity than aging. It’s a universally non-biased experience laden with irony.  One moment it’s congratulating you on your successes (a promotion at work), then the next moment it’s reminding you that you’ll die someday (you find your first gray pubic hair).

It’s proof not only that there is a God, but that he has a wicked sense of humor.  For example, by the time you can actually afford to drink in martini bars, your body can no longer tolerate alcohol like it could when you were young and poor.  Or by the time you actually start to see the world as a beautiful place full of grace and understanding, you’re old and no one cares how you see anything.

Gay men struggle more with age than any other pocket of the population. While most straight people resign themselves to physical collapse at age 30, gay men on this birthday MUST begin working out regularly, otherwise they are no longer allowed to attend Gay Pride parades or watch “Project Runway.” I was at a 30th birthday party once for someone whose friends purchased him a gym membership. How’s that for unconditional love?

Although we gays fight aging with more purpose and drive than the Allied had when defeating the Germans, we are all still fully aware that it’ll happen. We use three gauges to measure our marches from Twink to Sugar Daddy:

Read the rest of this entry »

Tyra tackled a tickler last week:  Gay-for-pay  porn stars. My favorite parts of the show (vids below):

* Tyra grasping for the right way to ask the porn stud if he liked to be plowed like a mid-winter Minnesota freeway: “How do I say this on Daytime TV?” she said. “It’s Christmas Day.   Do you like to give presents or receive them?”

* Tyra helpfully defending the guy’s contention that he’d rather take it up the bum than service another guy: “When you’re the Christmas gift-giver, you have to be aroused to perform. To receive you don’t have to be!

Really, Tyra, maybe you are the next Oprah.

Public opinion to the show was predictable: Most people seem to think the straight sex workers were either closet case exhibitionists, money-hungry heteros or want-it-all versatiles. But are the only options gay, straight or bi?

How about “Buy-Sexual?”

Gay guys should understand that term better than anyone. We’ve been trading sex for a certain kind of currency since the beginning of time.  How many of us dated, sexed or married a woman because it would “buy” us entry into the groups we wanted to be part of? Like family, friends, church, work, or the military. We’ve been doing “Straight-for-stay” a lot longer than straights have been doing “Gay-for-pay.” Don’t let money blind you to the meaning of currency.

Part 2

Gay-for-pay says, “I have sex with men for money.” Straight-to-stay says, “I have sex with women for acceptance.” The currency might be different but the dynamic is not: Temporarily thwarting authentic desire for something valuable.

I’ve had sex with a few women yet if you pointed the Kinsey scale at me (can you point a scale?), Alfred himself would say, “Run!  It’s going to blow!”  If gays can get it up for a gender we’re not attracted to, why do we think straight guys can’t? Somebody’s being pounded by a double-standard dildo.

Part 3

The real–but plucked– eyebrow raiser in the show occurred when the nearly-married-with-kids guy said he’d rather bottom than top. On the face of it, it doesn’t make sense. Straight guys are almost universally repulsed by the thought of receiving anal sex from another man. Whether they end up with a guy out of necessity (say, jail) or out of desire (say, anywhere) there’s a standard macho defense: “I’m-not-gay-as-long-as-I’m-the-top.” But this guy didn’t go there. Though he was as insightful as a stopped clock (correct twice a day), I was intrigued by his contention that getting the dust pounded out of his rug HELPED him dissociate from the sexual experience. If he wasn’t all that sensitive down there (every now and again you find ports that can take first-class cargo without much trouble), then the rest is easy. All he’d have to do is:

* Position himself so that he’s not touching, kissing or even seeing his partner.

* Position himself to watch straight porn as it’s happening.

* Fantasize it’s his fiancé inserting a toy.

I mean, once you get past the act itself (and I admit, it’s a lot to get past) there’s no difference between gay-for-pay and straight-to-say. Fantasy is the great enabler. If gay men can use it to get past sessions with women, why wouldn’t straight guys be able to get past theirs with men? What’s between your ears is more powerful than what’s between your legs, even if someone’s got them pinned to your shoulders.

What isn’t easily defined is easily dismissed.  The closest most of us can come to understanding the phenomenon of straight guys having gay sex is to say they’re bi-sexual.  It’s hard to see that they’re in fact, buy-sexual.

Part 4

Part 5

I know that many of you can’t shake a sense of déjà vu since your vote—you know, that feeling that you’ve witnessed or been part of something before.  Certainly, your vote had an eerie metaphorical familiarity—someone standing at the doorway of a great institution, protecting it from people who shouldn’t  be there.  But if the rest seems a little fuzzy it’s probably because you’re confused about the role you played.  

See, you thought you were God’s warrior defending the institution of marriage from gay people.  But really, you were George Wallace blocking the entrance to the University of Alabama.  

In 1963, Governor George Wallace stood at the door of Foster Auditorium at the University of Alabama in a symbolic attempt to block two black students, Vivian Malone and James Hood, from enrolling at the school.  He used the same arguments to keep you out of school that you used to keep us out of marriage.  He used the same logic.  He even used the same language.

I’m sure many of you are looking for a way to shake that awful feeling you’ve revisited a shameful part of history.  I think there is, but it requires going further into that awful feeling, further into that history.  

As many of you know, George Wallace, one of the biggest racists who ever lived, at some point, stopped, and saw your humanity.   At some point he stopped and thought, “I have no right to take your rights away.”  At some point he stopped and said, “I’m sorry.  I was wrong.” And devoted his life to undoing his deeds.

My guess is that if you want that unsettling feeling to go away, you probably need to complete your experience of deja vu and act more like the guy who once stood in the doorway of a great institution to stop you from coming in.

Sincerely,

Everyone Who’s Been Locked Out for No Good Reason

 Hillary Duff and Wanda Sykes star in a series of public service announcements dedicated to getting teens to stop saying the phrase, “That’s so gay!”   The idea is to discourage anti-gay language after the latest student climate report shows nearly 90% of gay middle and high school students reported being harassed, sometimes violently.   

. . . 

The first time I heard a teenager say, “That’s so gay,” she was referring to a vacation she took with her parents.  I got that look ostriches get when they hear two whistles:  WHAT?  It was completely out of context to anything I know about being gay. 

I asked a nineteen-year-old friend for a reality check.  “Yeah, I got a brain fart the first time my younger brother, who’s 17 and straight, used it,” he said.  “I couldn’t understand the context–there was no connection to being gay.”

That’s because teens don’t really say, “That’s so gay” to refer to gay people or our perceived characteristics or activities.   Not only is it pretty much divorced from the offensive gay stereotypes-like being campy or effeminate-it doesn’t even reference the positive ones-that we’re all hip, stylish trend-setters.  Teens use it to tag objects, places or activities as lame, tired, or silly.  There’s no venom in the phrase-it’s just the updated 50′s version of, “That’s so square.”  

Yet, the Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network (GLSEN) is using Hillary Duff and Wanda Sykes as spokespeople on national TV to stop middle and high school students from saying the phrase.  (see below)

GLSEN is rightfully worried about the latest student climate report that shows almost 90% of students have suffered some form of harassment in school.  But they should be more worried that they’re adding fuel to the fire.  By trying ban the phrase for a meaning it doesn’t have, they’re just going to rile up straight students.

Teens, who have an unerring sense of when they’re being manipulated for no good reason are going to seize on this campaign and use the phrase even more.  Try telling a teen not to do something he knows is harmless and see what’ll happen.  GLSEN should stop doing the new math and go back to basics: 

 

Best of intentions + worst of tactics = More of what you don’t want. 

 

GLSEN should be discouraging students from saying incendiary words like Faggot or Dyke, not banning some kitschy phrase.  It’s noble to discourage language that sets up an environment for harassment or violence,  but as somebody who’s been attacked on the street by a bunch of homophobes, I can promise you when they swung their bats and tire irons they weren’t yelling, “That’s so gay!”

There are better words to discourage teens from using.  If you want to stop a fire, douse the matches, not the pin lights. If I were a teen, I’d take one look at this campaign and say, “That’s so gay.”

 

Hillary Duff’s Video:

Wanda Sykes’ video:

American Idol’s 2003 runner-up Clay Aiken came out in a People Magazine cover story.  I’ve got mixed feelings about this.  On the one hand, it’s a good thing for Middle America to see that many of the people they like and care about are gay.

On the other hand, there’s a certain “Duh!” factor that makes you think the editors hit the cooking sherry a bit too hard.  Clay Aiken coming out as gay in People Magazine is like Gordon Ramsay coming out as a chef in Cooking Magazine–completely unnecessary.

Still, I’m glad Aiken came out.  If homophobia is a brick wall, then every falling brick helps.  I just wish we could get rid of the bricks faster.  Imagine how many would fly off the wall if a conservative right winger like Idaho Senator Larry Craig or the Reverend Ted Haggard came out on the cover of People Magazine. 

I guess that’s my only hesitation about Aiken’s cover story.  It used up a lot of ink telling people what they already know.  To shed new light, reach new people and change more minds we need to have unexpected people gracing the covers of magazines.

 As Lewis Black once said (I’m paraphrasing), “Gays are a serious problem confronting this country, but it’s on page eight, right after ‘Are we eating too much garlic as a people?’”  We need to put “Gay” in its proper place—on Lewis Black’s page eight.  But, for too many people it’s on page 1.  And for that, millions of gay men and women have to lie if they want to serve their country, lie if they want to serve God and lie if they want to stay in their families.  And for the growing number of us who don’t have to lie, we still have to measure everything we do or say in relation to the risk it brings.  Just ask somebody who’s completely out how that adoption search is going.

Bottom line:  Thanks, Clay.  Even if your news came out of the Department of Redundancy Department.  

People have a phobia about age.  Whatever you say after forty they hear as a communicable disease.  So if you say “I’m forty-three” they hear “forty-leprosy.” 

That’s why ya gotta lie if you wanna get laid.    

Yes, yes, I understand that’s not being true to yourself, that you’re just perpetuating ageism, that you’re not accepting who you are, that you’re not growing old gracefully.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

It’s not that I disagree with all that.  It’s just that I want to get laid.  And if the only thing standing between me a Category 5 blow job is a number, then I’m going to say that number and deal with the consequences later.

I’m a man, after all.

Okay, now let’s get into some sound lying strategies.  Always take ten years off yourself.   When you’re drunk and he asks you what year you were born you don’t have to deal with complex mathematical formulas.  And believe me, when you’re drunk, simple subtraction can leave you paralyzed.  My 10-year strategy makes it a simple equation:

Let’s say you were born in 1959.  It’s 1959 + 10= 1969.  You were born in 1969! 

I don’t care how drunk you get, you can do that kind of math.  The kind that can help you stop using your right hand as a sleep aid.

Sometimes I wonder if my feelings about women would be any different if I were straight.

Would I really think they couldn’t run a Fortune 100 company because they weren’t bright enough?  Would I really think they shouldn’t be on a battlefield because they’re not tough enough?  Would I be part of an old boy’s network that would keep them out?

A long time ago, Roseann Barr told lesbians in her audience,

“What do you know about hating men?  You don’t have to fuck them!”

Is that the missing piece to understanding misogyny?  Sexual attraction?  Does sexual tension create that love/hate ping-pong?   If I wanted women the way I want men would my opinions of them change?

I doubt it.  If sexual tension was necessary to create opposite feelings about the object of your desire, then why isn’t it a phenomenon in gay circles?  Few could say there’s a woman-hating fog in lesbian life or a serious man-bashing theme in gay life.

Whatever the answer is I often think about how I’d treat women if I were straight.  Would my attitudes change?  I doubt it.  I think I’d just be a pro-woman horn-dog.  You know, the feminist in the tittie-bar.

The Three Stages of Clay Aiken:

1. Teen Girl Crush

2. Desperate Closet Case   

3. Loving Dad?

Aiken visiting a North Carolina summer camp affiliated with his charity.

Clay Aiken got his gal pal producer pregnant. Jewelry may have been involved but a pearl necklace was not.

I’ve always dismissed “Gay” Aiken as a lightweight. His singing made me long for a shot of insulin.  His flaming gay denials made me long for a can of lighter fluid.

But his pending fatherhood changed all that. He could have faked a girlfriend to throw people off his scent. He could have gotten married to cover his tracks. He could have gotten his “wife” pregnant to make the hounds go away.

But he didn’t.  Instead, he artificially inseminated a woman who wasn’t his girlfriend or wife and got two for the price of one:  He came out without any speeches and lived out a dream without living through a nightmare.

Good for him.  I still don’t like what he’s done to music but I love what he’s done to his character.  You can just tell he’s going to be a great parent.  Anybody who goes through the hellish machinations of IVF to bring a child into the world is doing it because they want to devote their lives to something bigger than themselves.