Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

Should you lie on the profiles of gay dating sites if you know you don’t fit with what most guys are looking for? Few profiles ever say, FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL, but they may as well for all the hits you’re going to get. Yes your interests include gardening and cooking. Does that make you Martha Stewart? Should you lie and change you interests to wrestling and bowling? Or should you just state flat-out, “I’m a raving, flaming queen who deserves a little respect…and a date once in a while!”

The truth is, just because you should never lie about things that matter doesn’t mean you can’t put those matters in the best possible light. Instead of saying, “I’m a raving queen” why not say, “My closet door is so open it’s practically hanging off its hinges.” Instead of saying, “My favorite song is YMCA,” why not say, “My favorite chant is, We’re Here, We’re Queer, and We Don’t Like Your End Tables!” In other words, keep it funny. Make them laugh and you’re halfway up their legs.

The same “should I lie” question applies to Goths. No, you’re not some gigantic land whale or drooling three-armed trout-man but you are gay Goth in a world in which if you aren’t “normal ” then you’re a freak to be ignored.  You’ve tried the Goth clubs but they tend to have quality control problems and when you go to regular clubs, you end up being a one man Leper Colony.  Same online.

What to do? Honesty is always the best policy when it comes to meeting someone but you don’t want to jump out and say, “Oh, by the way, I look like the love child of Bella Lugosi and Sixouxsie Sioux.” How do you get more hits on the gay internet sites and convince prospects that it’s not their blood you want to suck?

Let’s face it, the rising popularity of tanning booths did nothing for you guys. You could put your Goth pics up but your hit rate would fall faster than Marie Antoinette’s guillotine.

I put “Goth” in Manhunt’s search engine and got only 4 ads within a 50-mile radius of Manhattan. Imagine what it is in other cities. Clearly, Goths are not in high demand. My advice: Post your regular pics—the ones that wouldn’t scare the moss off a rock and introduce the subject lightly, like this one guy did in his profile: “I’m shy, a bit of a loner, but sweet, like to hang out, drive around in my car, and have fun. I’m into the Goth scene, like dark clothes and dark music. Looking for friends, maybe more.” It doesn’t matter whether you’re into Goth or something really embarrassing, like Paris Hilton; your best bet is to put it into context so it doesn’t feel so threatening.

The bottom line: Tell the truth. But tell it well.

Mike Alvear is the author of the first body language book for gay men, Attract Hotter Guys With the Secrets and Science of Sexual Body Language. Available for instant download at http://www.mikealvear.com/ebook.

I was with a friend at a gay bar the other day. He was hawkin’ on a hottie, thinking things were going great when all of a sudden Hottie kills the conversation and walks away. My friend was not happy. He blamed Hottie for being an arrogant prick. I blamed my friend for being blind to his own body language.

Body language is the leak in the faucet of attitudes and emotions. It tells you what guys are thinking and feeling. There’s a truth about nonverbal communication–and gay dating– that’s hard to absorb: The negative body language of the guy you’re attracted to is mostly a reaction to yours. Read the rest of this entry »

Writing the first body language guide for gay men has ruined my Saturday nights. I can no longer go out and have a good time without obsessively watching the body language in gay bars. This guy’s gestures are turning the other man off and that guy’s posture is giving off the wrong signals. Can’t I just enjoy my vodka?

No, I can’t. Because I want gay guys to connect. Sometimes I just want to march up to a guy and say, “Look, you’re doing it all wrong. Try this!” But I know he’ll never get it even if I show him, because first he has to understand what he’s doing wrong. And to do that, he has to be aware of what he’s doing at all.

As guys, we are simply not that aware of what our bodies are doing or communicating. In one famous experiment, 95% of people couldn’t pick out the back of their hand in a line-up of photographs!

Your body’s got a vocabulary of its own and its ‘words’ don’t always match the ones coming out of your mouth. For example, you might say something that telegraphs your interest but don’t look in his eyes. Your words say, “Come here” but your body hands him his hat. Since 65% of communication is non-verbal–especially in gay dating situations, he’ll probably take the hat—and the hint. That’s why you need to know what you’re body is doing–so it won’t sabotage what you’re saying.

Let’s do a quick test. Fold your arms over your chest. Did you Read the rest of this entry »

Women can do it because they can attach erotic desire to personality traits. Men? Ha!

That’s why most of us live within the narrow confines of our sexual bandwidth. The point was poignantly made by one gay guy who wrote to me:

“Guys nearly always want someone with their own body type, and I’ll never have it. I’m a beanpole by nature: thousands of hours of weight training haven’t turned me into a hunk, just made me less skinny. No reputable doctor will prescribe anabolic steroids to me, and I don’t want to risk doing illicit steroids. Given the Gay Rules of Attraction, I know my chance of getting a studly boyfriend is slight-to-vanishing.”

Can he change the body type he’s attracted to? Read the rest of this entry »

As the author of the first body language book for gay men, I’m often asked how male body language affects guy-on-guy dating. The answer is plenty. But to understand why certain postures, gestures and expressions make you more appealing to gay guys, you have to understand the 5 major principles of gay body language:

#1. Words lie, bodies don’t.

The truth leaks out of our bodies like a pockmarked water pail. As soon as we put a finger in one hole another one opens up. You may think you look calm, cool and collected, but look down– your foot’s tapping the floor like a woodpecker. Sexual signals bounce all over the place whenever gay men get together, and they’re being sent with heads, eyes, arms, hands, legs, and feet. Yes, feet. Long story, keep reading.

#2. Your body language changes when you see somebody hot. And you’re usually not aware of it.

Hidden camera studies show that a man’s posture changes when he sees somebody that turns him on. He, or more to the point, YOU, will:

1. Pull your stomach. (To look sleeker)
2. Throw your shoulders back (to occupy more space)
3. Puff up your chest (to look bigger)
4. Lift your head (To look taller)
5. Protrude your jaw (to look more dominant)

It’s a form of preening. Researchers call it “Auto-erotic signaling.”

Read the rest of this entry »

I cracked an HIV joke.

Half the crowd laughed.

The other half glared.

Was I wrong?

Dear Former:
I really wished you’d have come up to me after the screening—I was giving away free samples of ANAL-EZE, the desensitizing cream for overly sensitive assholes like you.

Now, before I rip you a new one, let’s set the scene for the folks who weren’t there: I helped moderate the Q&A portion of the screening with drag diva Bubba D. Licious. There were, I don’t know, what 200 people there?

Anyway, I started out by asking the panel of HIV experts onstage if there was any room for humor when we talked about HIV and safe sex. The “joke” that so deeply offended your ass, ANAL-EZE, was actually a quote an HIV+ guy had written to my column. He had recently been infected with HIV and was struggling with a way to disclose the information to potential partners without freaking them out.

Here’s his joke:
Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Fucked,
You’re not a rejection junkie; you’re a new meat junkie. Big difference. Oh, and that bullshit about not liking the game? Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining. You love the game –as long as you’re the dealer and not the dealt with. Here’s why you’re chasing your tail and how you can stop:

1. The Hunt is More Exciting Than the Catch.

The pursuit is giving you something that being pursued does not: Anticipation, excitement, spontaneity, conquest and drama. OH GOD, THE DRAMA! And of course, that New Dick Smell. Read the rest of this entry »

I was invited by an HIV support group to moderate the Q&A portion of an AIDS fundraiser this weekend. With 200 people there to see the documentary Sex Positive (about an S&M hustler in the 80′s who practically invented the concept of safe sex), my co-host (drag queen extraordinaire, Bubba D. Liscious) and I took to the microphones.

I started out by asking the panel onstage if there was any room for humor when we talked about HIV and safe sex. My “joke” was actually something a reader to my sex advice column had written to me. He had recently been infected with HIV and was struggling with a way to disclose the information to potential partners without freaking them out.

Here’s the joke:

Half the room exploded with laughter. The other half glared at me. I went on by addressing the panel and saying, “My point, and I do have one, is that laughter is the Vaseline that makes ideas penetrate better, yet I never see the subject ever treated with humor. Again, is there room for the funny bone in the body of work that you do?”

At the after party some people said it was exactly what the room needed after such a heavy documentary. Other people registered their displeasure, telling me that I had insulted innocent victims of the infection who were sitting in the audience.

Who was right? Are there some things that just shouldn’t be joked about?