Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

From a reader:

I’m 42, and everything still works. There is this 18 year old at my place of employment that has never been “worked.” We are very attracted to each other. I’m sure that in this small town (where gay dating is an untested concept) he doesn’t know any other gay guys. He’s too damn young, and I have the common sense not to see anybody from work, but pickins are so slim around here (it’s almost impossible to meet gay men), and it’s been so long since I’ve been with anyone that I may not be able to help myself. Events and his hints are soon going to put him in my apartment with me alone, and I’m afraid I’m going to practically rape him if he gives me that hungry look one more time. I’m allowing all this to happen, and I feel like disaster looms in the future if we go through with it. It’s like watching a slow train wreck.
BUT, I’m so damn horny I can’t stand it. What’s your gay advice?

– Small Town Blues

Dear Blues:
Dude, he’s an adult. As long as you’re not supervising him or have any influence over his career, there is nothing unethical about bending a co-worker over the rail and pounding the dust out of his rug. Awkward, yes. Unethical, no.

Read the rest of this entry »

If you’re not careful, an overheated machine could actually cause the batteries in the laptop to explode. And oh, dear, there’d go your gay dating plans.

The processor chip in the average laptop runs at about 163 degrees Fahrenheit, but remember, computers have built-in cooling mechanisms. And unless there’s a battery defect or you’ve been Manhunting for 12 hours in the middle of a Bangladesh heat wave, there’s little chance something bad’s going to happen.

Still, if you like the top on your lap, as it were, you should take precautions. If you haven’t seen an exploding laptop then check this out—you’ll never put an overheated laptop near your uglies again. It’ll turn gay attraction into a gay explosion.

Check out some of the solutions like Cooler Master’s NotePal Infinite. It uses variable speed fans to cool your laptop. Others like the Xpad laptop desk don’t use any power at all, yet seems to do the job. Just Google “laptop coolers.”

It isn’t just bad experiences that keep you from initiating a conversation with good looking strangers in gay bars and social events, it’s also because you’ve bought into a mentality that stops you before you even try. I call them The Three Big Gay Lies:

Big Gay Lie #1: If the guy you like doesn’t look back he’s not interested.
If he doesn’t send a signal, don’t bother. We’re men; we know what we want and we’re not afraid of showing it. If we’re not looking we’re not interested.

Big Gay Lie #2: The guy you want to meet is either Attracted To You Or he’s not.
You’re in or out. End of story. It’s black and white. We’re not chicks–we don’t try to “find out” if we’re interested, we just know.

Big Gay Lie #3: Men Are Beauty Nazis.
If you don’t have the look, you don’t stand a chance. There are A-Gays and everyone else. If you’re a B, or God forbid, a C-gay, good luck.

Now, let’s get real. There’s a lot of truth to these generalizations. Most gay men look if they’re interested. Most have yes/no attraction switches. And most of us tend to have an unrealistic standard of beauty.

But the key word is most. And the mathematical number that makes most a reality is 51%. That means that up to 49% of men do not fit into these categories.

Let’s take a closer look:

Big Gay Lie #1: The guy you want to meet Will Always Look At You If He’s Interested.

Not true. There are lots of good reasons why he wouldn’t glance at you: Read the rest of this entry »

Question:
I cruised the hottest guy and then we met. What an asshole! He had all the social skills of a drunken farmhand. Everything inside me said “don’t do it, don’t take him home, you’ll regret it.” But the fuse was lit and once again the demon below my belt took over.

— Sorry it ever happened

Dear Sorry:

Dealing with good-looking assholes is the booby trap of gay dating. It’s like dealing with drugs or alcohol: When you have enough bad experiences you’ll eventually know when to say “thanks but no thanks.”

You just haven’t had enough bad experiences. Like the mark of a good partier, the mark of a highly evolved sexual being is to know when to say no.

Memorizing my Theory of Sexual Relativity will help. Remember, Einstein proved that space and time aren’t viewed as separate, independent entities, but rather that they form a four-dimensional continuum.

It’s the same thing with Desire and Disgust. They aren’t separate, independent entities. They form a braided dimensional continuum known as *WHID* (“What Have I Done?”). Read the rest of this entry »

A step-by-step manual that shows you how to start a conversation with a hottie who isn’t looking back at you. Learn a profound new way of perceiving attractive guys (it will make your fear of rejection evaporate) and how to deliver rejection-proof approaches field tested in gay bars and parties. With glowing reviews from The Huffing Post (“A sensational way of meeting gay men that women can learn from.”) no wonder it’s the #1 best selling gay ebook in the U.S.

Apparently, he’s a bit touchy about the subject. Here’s his reaction to an Elle Magazine reporter who asked him where he likes to lodge his log: “That was, like, the worst interview I’ve ever done, and it kind of turned me off from doing interviews completely, because that guy [the interviewer] was such a dick. It just turned into like a verbal sparring match and I was trying to be polite to him, but just right off the bat he came out with all these crazy accusations and stuff. So I was like, ‘Ok, buddy… .’ I was completely caught off-guard.”

So was the Elle reporter rude? Judge for yourself. Here’s the transcript, thanks to queerty.com.
Read the rest of this entry »

Paul Rudnick’s hilarious piece in the New Yorker takes on former air force chief’s Op-Ed in the Times. Sometimes I think people are afraid that repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will turn the compound in Iraq into a gay dating Green Zone. And that Camp Pendleton will turn into the world’s biggest gay bar. But enough of what I think.

Here’s the passage in Rudnick’s piece that made me laugh out loud:

Read Rudnick’s full column here.