Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

Like a lot of gay men, I seem to be stuck screwing guys I don’t want to date and dating guys I don’t want to screw.

Take this guy I met playing volleyball. We went up to block a shot and we both fell down. We had a “Love Boat” moment when I grabbed his hand to help him up. There were wedding platters in his eyes. There were penises in mine.

So we went on a date. Or rather, he went on a date. I went on a hunt. After dinner, we relaxed on my couch. My hands, looking for warmer weather, migrated south.

*“I don’t do that on the first date,”* he said, putting my hands back where they belonged.

“How about on your last?” I asked, putting my hands back where they didn’t belong.

I was kidding. Sort of. The guy was my type the way Arial is The New Yorker magazine’s type: Easy on the eyes, making you impatient to get to the end.

But as much as I liked him sexually, I didn’t feel any other connection. And thus, I was hurled into the basic gay dating dilemma: Do you have sex with someone you’re physically but not emotionally attracted to?

The answer, of course, is yes. Oh, God, yes. But the problem with bedding someone who wants a wedding is the pain created by mismatched intentions.

I remember him saying, “Let’s do something, dinner, a movie.”

“I can’t really do anything until eleven o’clock,” I’d tell him.

“Well, you can’t do anything at eleven o’clock at night on a weekday except have sex and go to sleep,” he’d say.

*“Exactly,”* I’d say to myself. Read the rest of this entry »

From a reader:

I’m a 19-year-old college student that kinda went crazy during my freshman year, mostly with the help of Manhunt.  I’m tested frequently for HIV and the normal cocktail of STD’s but have never contracted anything.   A lot of guys have been asking how many people I’ve been with, lately.  A year ago, I would have proudly responded that I’ve only been with 4 guys…but now you’d have to add a 0 on the end of that 4 just to get close.  Normally, when it bothers someone that I’ve been with that many people, their concern is not that I’m a blown-out whore, but that they’ll get an STD.  I have always practiced safer sex (condoms, not swallowing) and I’ve even gotten into the habit of not letting guys finish in me.  I get tested every few months or so in spite of my practices and the fact that I have no signs and symptoms of any STDs.  I’m talking to a guy right now that I’m crazy interested in, but am scared that if he asks me how many guys I’ve been with he’ll be scared off.  When judgment day comes, what should I tell this new guy?  Help!

-Healthily Oversexed

Dear Oversexed:

The answer’s the same if he asked you how much money you made: 

Read the rest of this entry »

So, I met this guy on a hookup site strictly as friends. I’ve got a major crush on him but I can’t tell if he wants to date or just be friends. We go out a lot and always have lots of fun together but nothing ever happens and I’m too scared to try. I’m afraid he might not want to be friends if I come out and tell him I want to date. And to complicate things even more, he’s 15 years older than I am! What should I do?

—Frisky but risky

Dear Frisky:
Okay, let me get this straight. You met a guy on “Dick Central,” haven’t gotten so much as a kiss and you’re still wondering if he’s interested in you? Dude, your cluelessness…it’s dripping on my wood floors.

Read the rest of this entry »

This is a total turnoff to me, and I’m attracted to guys on the slender side. But slender to me means 30-32 inch waist. Does this now make me a chubby chaser?

From New York Magazine:

Next month, the British mannequin maker Rootstein debuts their latest male form—the “Homme Nouveau,” feminized and not so hearty, with a 35-inch chest and a 27-inch waist. Perfect for the trendiest, string-beaniest clothing, sure. But there’s evidence that the new paradigm has given rise to male anorexia.

The best stats from the story:

Dimensions of Rootstein’s Male Mannequins:
1967: 42” chest, 33” waist
1983: 41” chest, 31” waist
1994: 38” chest, 28” waist
2010: 35” chest, 27” waist

You couldn’t make up this sh*t if you tried:

“A study of 2,500 gay and bisexual men claims that almost three-quarters of them would refuse an advance in medicine that could change their sexuality to heterosexual. … Whilst 26% of those surveyed admitted that they would take a ‘straight pill’, if such existed, almost three times as many men (74%) had no desire to alter their sexual preference.” The survey was conducted by ManCentral.com, a dating website, and probably a decent place to find guys who really, really like being gay.”

Read more: Pink Paper

From a reader:

When I was younger I was a tad promiscuous, sleeping with half of the city by the time I was 19. I don’t regret it because I enjoy sex and it was my own choice. I still have sex but not nearly as much as I used to. The thing is, because of my past, it’s making it kinda harder for me to find a boyfriend. Whenever I meet someone new they either know me as a slut or they find out through their friends. How can I get past my “reputation” to land a lover?

– Tainted

Dear Tainted:
I’d rather hear that you’ve stopped plugging every opening you walked by because it’s no longer fulfilling, not because you’re scared of what people will think. If you’re serious about taming that Access of Evil between your legs, you’ve got a few options, but before we go into that, allow me a rant: Read the rest of this entry »

You trade pics. Hubba Hubba. You arrange to meet. Your place for drinks. He walks in. You say, “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

A convicted felon accused of targeting gay men who were looking for dates online was charged with kidnapping, robbery, carjacking and other crimes in Superior Court Monday.

Angel Pena Ayala, 24, who was on parole for a previous carjacking conviction, was arrested Friday and pleaded not guilty Monday in Torrance Superior Court, said Los Angeles County district attorney’s officials.

He was charged with eight felony counts, including the allegation that the crimes were committed for a street gang.

Hermosa Beach police said Ayala placed an online ad on Craigslist.org in the personals section and met his victim at the man’s home in Hermosa Beach in March.

Authorities accused him of pulling a handgun on the man and ordering him to put his TV, computer and camera into his car.

Here’s a roundup of hair removal options. Most come with optional ear plugs for the person doing the removing.

Like it or not, the gay dating world is filled, or rather shorn, of a lot of hair. If you want to meet gay men, the hair-on-head-only look is going to help a lot, sad to say. So here are the options and their cruel legacies:

Laser Removal
What it is: Laser light grabs the hair follicle, says, “Luke, I am your father” and kills the hair root. It doesn’t kill the follicle, though, so hair can still grow back. Maybe it should say, “Luke, I did your Father” and it would work better.

How long it’ll take: About half an hour per session. Like the Star Wars movies, it’ll take about 8 sequels to get the job done.

Where you should aim it: At your boss. But if you need the job, your chest, back, stomach and genitals.
The hit: About $450 per treatment.
Duration: It’s the most permanent of your options, but touch-ups are the rule.

Waxing
What it is: Torture. They put strips of cloth over the wax and then RIP the fucker off. The new waxes aren’t supposed to be as painful as the old waxes, but that’s like saying getting stabbed by a dull knife doesn’t hurt as much as a sharp one. Technically true, but…

How long it’ll take: Ten minutes to an hour.

Where you should aim it: Unibrows, hair on the ears and neck, legs, underarms, and arms. Gay advice: Do NOT use it on your genitals unless you’re an extra on the next sequel to The Hills Have Eyes and need the screaming practice.

The hit: About $50-70 a session

Duration: About 4 to 6 weeks.
Read the rest of this entry »

The rules are different in the gay dating world. Men understand each other better than women do. Every guy looks at other guys –I don’t care how in love they are. You achieve monogamy through discipline, not mind-control; through resisting actions not thoughts. My God, if I were judged by my thoughts I’d have been shot more times than a black man innocently bumping into white cops.

Feeling that you cheated on your boyfriend because you flirted with guys is like saying you cheated on your diet because you smelled some sausages. Just like smelling something delicious won’t ruin your diet, flirting with guys won’t ruin your relationship. Though I have to say, it depends on what you mean by flirting.

I think the first thing you need to do is get a sense of proportion about what constitutes cheating. Here’s an index I built for a seminar I led about monogamy:
Read the rest of this entry »