Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

From a reader: First off, I’d like to congratulate you for being such a medically correct funny, heartless gay bastard. I like your column so much I went out to buy your queer-ass ebooks. But I digress… I have to sound off! I think gay dating has gone stale for me and I’m in dire need of help. I find myself asking the same boring questions, like, “When did you come out, are you out to your family, what do you do, or secretly, WHEN are you gonna do me?” I desperately need some conversation starters. How can I get to know someone without sounding like a scratched record?

– Hate repeating repeating myself

Dear Repeating Repeating:
The answer is to cut the canned crap and talk about what happened the day of your date—what you saw, experienced or felt. And stick to positive comments. Nobody wants to date cynical, bitter people–that’s what friends are for.

If you’re too nervous to wing it then remember a few fun-to-answer questions. For example: Bring up the X-men movies and ask, “Whose power would you rather have—Storm or Wolverine’s?” It’s just a version of the classic question, “Would you rather be able to fly like Superman or be invisible?”

I always say Superman. Here’s why: Read the rest of this entry »

From a reader: Whenever I’m online I’m always being hit on guys old enough to be my father. I’m 24 but all the guys who leave me messages are like in their late 30s or 40s. I like guys around my age or a little younger. Is there anyway I can attract younger guys and tell older guys I am not remotely interested without being rude?

–Young for fun

Dear Young,
Thanks for at least wanting to be nice about it. I’ve actually seen a profile that said, “Please don’t email me if you were the one who hit the switch when God said, ‘Let there be light!’”

Actually, that’s kinda funny; you might want to use that. No, seriously, here’s what you say: “Strictly into guys my age (24) or younger, no exceptions. Thanks for respecting my preferences.”

And if you still keep getting emails from older guys? Delete, delete, delete. You don’t owe anybody a response if they’ve contacted you after you’ve asked them not to.

Why do so many effeminate gay men prefer in their partners the very masculinity they’ve bleached out of themselves?

The obvious answer is that they’re attracted to their opposites. But that answer only goes so far. Effeminate men may lust for their masculine counterparts but most masculine men don’t return the favor.

Effeminate men get hoisted on their own chiffon petards. The more they take on effeminate characteristics the less able they are to attract the kinds of guys they want to sleep with. This is a mating absurdity.

Imagine birds trying to attract mates with red and white plumage when the objects of their affection are attracted to yellow and green.

The mis-matched mating call of the merry marys brings up a great question: If effeminacy is counter-productive to attracting the kind of sexual partners you want, then why not butch it up? Read the rest of this entry »

He also did some, er, self-service porn and refuses to label his sexuality. A gay dating phenom is born. Perhaps he should be known as The SituGaysian?

Here’s the story from Queerty.

You can’t meet Mr. Right (Or Mr. Right Now) if you’re riddled with a fear of rejection. Approach anxiety –the fear of starting a conversation with an attractive stranger–gets triggered by unreasonable goals. For example, telling yourself you need to go to the other side of the bar and pick up that hottie in the corner is about the most unreasonable goal you can come up with. You can’t expect to get to the top of Mt. Hottie without first setting up base camp.

That’s why you’ve got to set reasonable goals. “Meet a quality guy,” “Sleep with a hot man” or “get a husband” may be things you want, but they don’t qualify as reasonable goals. You can’t get there from where you are. You’d get better results–and faster ones–if you had goals that weren’t tied to outcomes. So here’s a stellar gay tip– From now on, your main objective is: Read the rest of this entry »

Most guys can’t get themselves to talk to a guy they’re attracted to because of something called Approach Anxiety–the fear of starting a conversation with an attractive stranger. A lot of the fear comes from setting unreasonable goals. For example, telling yourself you need to go to the other side of the bar and pick up that hottie in the corner is about the most unreasonable goal you can come up with. Why? Because you’re not ready. You can’t expect to get to the top of Mt. Hottie without so much as setting up base camp and sharpening your climbing skills.

That’s why you’ve got to set attainable goals. “Meet a quality guy,” “Sleep with a hot man” or “get a husband” may be things you want, but they don’t qualify as reasonable goals. You can’t get there from where you are. You’d get better results–and faster ones–if you had goals that weren’t tied to outcomes. So here’s a stellar gay tip: From now on, when you go out, your main objective is to:
Read the rest of this entry »

Which of the 2010 cars are most likely fill your trunk with new men? According to Autotropolis, here they are in descending order (descriptions are theirs):

Before BMW and Lexus, there was Jaguar. This classic British brand was in danger of becoming utterly boring until chief designer Ian Callum (great guy!) took charge about a decade ago. Today, Jaguar is a hot brand with super cool and yet classic design both inside and out. Performance on Jaguar’s entry-level XF sedan is as thrilling as any BMW and not every Tom, Dick or Mark will be driving one either.

Ok, so most of you know that I’ve written the first body language guide for gay men and that I’m obsessed with the subject. You’d think YouTube would be FILLED with great videos on (straight) body language showing you how to interpret gestures, postures and expressions.

From a reader:

I’m no good at gay pickups. Every weekend I go out to the gay bars and freeze every time I see a good looking guy I’m interested in. I just can’t bring myself to approach them even when I think I have half a chance. How do I get over this paralyzing fear? Am I going to end up alone beating off to porn for the rest of my life?

- Don’t know what to do

Dear Don’t Know:

You’ve got Hot Guy Phobia—the fear of meeting attractive guys when there are no physical reasons keeping you from it. It’s also called “Approach Anxiety,” and it gives gay dating a nasty little rash that won’t go away without a little work.

Approach anxiety and conversational skill deficiencies feed on each other. If you knew exactly what to say and how to say it, your approach anxiety would melt like I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

But there’s an even bigger reason that approach anxiety rears its ugly head and keeps gay men from connecting with the kind of guys they want to date: Believing that good looking strangers are something they’re not.

Most of us see an attractive guy as a goal–something we want to, ahem, achieve. But if he’s a goal, taking the chance of approaching him has only two possible outcomes: Leave with him in your arms or your tail between your legs.

The thing about goals is that you either achieve them or you don’t. You win or lose, it’s black and white, sink or swim. Actually, it’s worse. When your goal is love, sex or both, it feels more like Live or Die. You either get validated by a beautiful guy or die of embarrassment from trying to talk to him. That’s a pretty high price for what amounts to saying hello.

So what’s the secret to overcoming your fear of rejection? It’s coming to a profound realization about that hottie in the corner:

He’s not a goal. He’s a portal.

The guy you want to meet is not an objective; he’s an entryway. He’s somebody who’s going to lead you to the next moment in your life. He may be the next guy you date but what if he ends up introducing you to the next guy you date? What if he becomes your next acquaintance, friend, or business contact? Or the guy who points you to the sports league you didn’t know existed, the concert you didn’t know was scheduled or that restaurant that just opened. Maybe you’ll just get a great story out of the experience of meeting him. Or a funny joke. But if you’re open to all of it, any of it, then suddenly Mr. Hot, by the definition of a portal, CAN’T induce fear of rejection, ridicule or loss. He can only instill a sense of curiosity about what’s next.

Once you’ve redefined and realigned your perception of attractive guys, the fear of rejection goes away. But you’re still left with a major dilemma: What do you say to an attractive stranger that won’t make you sound like an idiot? I cover that extensively in my new ebook, Meet The Hottie In The Corner, and will touch on it in later columns. For now, work on the law of gay attraction by changing your perceptions. Every time you see a hottie, picture a doorway.