From a reader:

I’m no good at gay pickups. Every weekend I go out to the gay bars and freeze every time I see a good looking guy I’m interested in. I just can’t bring myself to approach them even when I think I have half a chance. How do I get over this paralyzing fear? Am I going to end up alone beating off to porn for the rest of my life?

- Don’t know what to do

Dear Don’t Know:

You’ve got Hot Guy Phobia—the fear of meeting attractive guys when there are no physical reasons keeping you from it. It’s also called “Approach Anxiety,” and it gives gay dating a nasty little rash that won’t go away without a little work.

Approach anxiety and conversational skill deficiencies feed on each other. If you knew exactly what to say and how to say it, your approach anxiety would melt like I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

But there’s an even bigger reason that approach anxiety rears its ugly head and keeps gay men from connecting with the kind of guys they want to date: Believing that good looking strangers are something they’re not.

Most of us see an attractive guy as a goal–something we want to, ahem, achieve. But if he’s a goal, taking the chance of approaching him has only two possible outcomes: Leave with him in your arms or your tail between your legs.

The thing about goals is that you either achieve them or you don’t. You win or lose, it’s black and white, sink or swim. Actually, it’s worse. When your goal is love, sex or both, it feels more like Live or Die. You either get validated by a beautiful guy or die of embarrassment from trying to talk to him. That’s a pretty high price for what amounts to saying hello.

So what’s the secret to overcoming your fear of rejection? It’s coming to a profound realization about that hottie in the corner:

He’s not a goal. He’s a portal.

The guy you want to meet is not an objective; he’s an entryway. He’s somebody who’s going to lead you to the next moment in your life. He may be the next guy you date but what if he ends up introducing you to the next guy you date? What if he becomes your next acquaintance, friend, or business contact? Or the guy who points you to the sports league you didn’t know existed, the concert you didn’t know was scheduled or that restaurant that just opened. Maybe you’ll just get a great story out of the experience of meeting him. Or a funny joke. But if you’re open to all of it, any of it, then suddenly Mr. Hot, by the definition of a portal, CAN’T induce fear of rejection, ridicule or loss. He can only instill a sense of curiosity about what’s next.

Once you’ve redefined and realigned your perception of attractive guys, the fear of rejection goes away. But you’re still left with a major dilemma: What do you say to an attractive stranger that won’t make you sound like an idiot? I cover that extensively in my new ebook, Meet The Hottie In The Corner, and will touch on it in later columns. For now, work on the law of gay attraction by changing your perceptions. Every time you see a hottie, picture a doorway.

Of all the guys that have done me (and honey, the McDonald’s “Billions served” sign can’t turn fast enough to keep up with me), very few have even stroked my buns beforehand. They just expect you to throw your legs up in the air and give it to you like it’s on sale–first come first served. A girl likes a finger or a tongue now and again before she’s nailed to the mattress. Will you please tell people that a little anal foreplay goes a long way?

– Been there, sat on that

Dear Been There:
Why are you telling *me* when you can tell your partners? Don’t complain about not getting something you never asked for.

My guess, Mouth St. Helens, is that as verbose as you are, you’re embarrassed to ask for what you want. You’re probably keeping your trap shut because you sense a certain ambivalence in your partners. Guys who like topping often have a love/hate relationship with anal sex. They like the feeling of fucking a guy but they don’t want to think about the realities of where that feeling’s coming from. Let’s face it, candy’s dandy but fudge is a drudge. A condom-wrapped dick in someone’s butt is one thing, but a finger or a tongue? They start thinking of what usually comes out of that hole, not what’s about to go in it. That’s why so many want to stick it in as fast as possible.

If you sense discomfort in your partner, let him know you’re clean down there. Keep him focused on the love part of the love/hate equation. Often, showering together is a great way of softening his resistance and, ahem, stiffening his resolve.

It’s harder to ask for butt play than a blowjob in part because there aren’t any laugh-proof euphemisms for it. If you say, “I’d love it if you’d go down on me” everybody knows what you mean. If you say, “I’d love it if you’d toss my salad” the guy might head for the kitchen and start chopping tomatoes.

And you can’t just put your ass in someone’s face and say, “lick it.” Not unless you’re a hedge fund manager addressing the rest of the country. If you’re too shy to say something then try directing him. Put lube in his hands and guide them to your butt. If he tries to stick Willie in right away, then play “Show & Tell.” Say, “Wait, hold on a minute. Here’s the best way of getting me ready.” Then take his lubed fingers and gently put them on your sphincter and guide them into the positions, speed and pressure that turn you on.

As for getting a little tongue action, it takes a little more work and a lot more reciprocation, since most guys would rather be the tossed than the tosser. There’s also a real health concern—Hepatitis A & B—that should be respected. Make sure you and your partner have both been vaccinated before you do anything. If you’re good to go, go first. It’ll buy you a lot of frequent eater points. Once you kiss him “everywhere,” the combination of natural reciprocity, implied obligation and a teensy bit of guilt takes over.
And then it’s just a matter of whispering my two favorite words: MY TURN.

Don’t ever be afraid to ask for what you want. Most guys like a little direction. And if they’re really into you, they’ll be grateful. After all, half the pleasure of sex is watching your partner dial 911 and whisper, “he’s killing me.”

It isn’t just bad experiences that keep you from initiating a conversation with good looking strangers in gay bars and social events, it’s also because you’ve bought into a mentality that stops you before you even try. I call them The Three Big Gay Lies:

Big Gay Lie #1: If the guy you like doesn’t look back he’s not interested.
If he doesn’t send a signal, don’t bother. We’re men; we know what we want and we’re not afraid of showing it. If we’re not looking we’re not interested.

Big Gay Lie #2: The guy you want to meet is either Attracted To You Or he’s not.
You’re in or out. End of story. It’s black and white. We’re not chicks–we don’t try to “find out” if we’re interested, we just know.

Big Gay Lie #3: Men Are Beauty Nazis.
If you don’t have the look, you don’t stand a chance. There are A-Gays and everyone else. If you’re a B, or God forbid, a C-gay, good luck.

Now, let’s get real. There’s a lot of truth to these generalizations. Most gay men look if they’re interested. Most have yes/no attraction switches. And most of us tend to have an unrealistic standard of beauty.

But the key word is most. And the mathematical number that makes most a reality is 51%. That means that up to 49% of men do not fit into these categories.

Let’s take a closer look:

Big Gay Lie #1: The guy you want to meet Will Always Look At You If He’s Interested.

Not true. There are lots of good reasons why he wouldn’t glance at you: Read the rest of this entry »

A step-by-step manual that shows you how to start a conversation with a hottie who isn’t looking back at you. Learn a profound new way of perceiving attractive guys (it will make your fear of rejection evaporate) and how to deliver rejection-proof approaches field tested in gay bars and parties. With glowing reviews from The Huffing Post (“A sensational way of meeting gay men that women can learn from.”) no wonder it’s the #1 best selling gay ebook in the U.S.

Paul Rudnick’s hilarious piece in the New Yorker takes on former air force chief’s Op-Ed in the Times. Sometimes I think people are afraid that repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will turn the compound in Iraq into a gay dating Green Zone. And that Camp Pendleton will turn into the world’s biggest gay bar. But enough of what I think.

Here’s the passage in Rudnick’s piece that made me laugh out loud:

Read Rudnick’s full column here.

YOMAMA BIN SHOPPIN

The British Medical Journal reports that many men remain interested in sex until they’re almost dead. Meaning, gay bars will never go away.

The study showed 67% of men ages 65 to 74 said they had been sexually active in the past year, compared with just 40% of women in that age group. And for those single, gay and dating, the figure runs to 105%.

The study coordinators believe Viagra has a lot to do with the “I want you NOW” gender gap. Since having a healthy sex life is a strong indicator of overall health (and a longer life). They also predict that if you’re a 30-year-old male, you can expect to have sex for 35 more years. The authors call this measure your “sexually active life expectancy,” or SALE. (I couldn’t make that up if I tried).

That means if you’re 30 you have 35 more years of gay bars! If that doesn’t make you want to cut your life expectancy, I don’t know what will.

1. Are you hitting on me? If he likes you, you’re in. Stop reading. Go home. Enjoy him. If he’s not sure or he’s not immediately attracted, the law of gay attraction is going to pull you down. You better give him a reason for talking, so say something like, “Help me settle a bet with a friend…” or “I’m asking you because…” The point is to give him context. You can always try the direct route—“because I want to bend you over the railing and pound the dust out of your rug.” But really, if it were that easy you wouldn’t need my gay tips.

2. How long are you going to be? If he’s not immediately attracted to you, he’ll spend the whole time trying to get rid of you. So, use a “Time Constraint” –something that lets him know he’s a pit stop, not a landing spot. Like, “I have to get back to my friend in a sec, but I have to ask you…” Pair it with symmetrical body language—leaning away, or taking a couple of steps away as you’re talking. When it comes to dating or hooking up, the shortest distance between two zippers isn’t always a straight line.

By giving him 1) a rationale for talking and 2) leaving quickly, you’ve set up an exquisite question in your future ex-husband’s mind–“Was that guy interested or just being friendly?” That’s exactly where you want him: Wondering. Because wondering will make him more receptive to your company when you come back–and you will (more on how later), giving you the opportunity to charm the pants off him.

And inch him closer to that railing.

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