Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

I’m furious at my girlfriends. As more and more gay guys adopt their dating strategies (no sex without dating), people like me are getting less and less sex.

I’m from the old school. I believe in sex before dating.

There’s a reason for that. Nothing kills sexual attraction more than having dinner with a guy so dull even the corn on the cob covers its ears.

Women are socialized to “hang on to it,” as a girlfriend put it, until they get something valuable in exchange.

Men, on the other hand, are socialized to “let go of it.” And the exchange rate has nothing to do with it.

Women have what men want, and this sets up a classic seller’s market: Huge demand and a tight supply. The twist is that the suppliers want to give it away, too, but they can’t because the market is regulated by outside forces–religion, society and empty ring fingers. So while it’s a seller’s market, even the sellers aren’t happy.

Sex between men, however, is the classic example of what happens when supply meets demand:  Everybody’s happy.

Last month I experienced what my girlfriends put their men through— a “forced” date. That’s when you’re forced to pay for play. Meaning, Dinner.

Sound familiar, ladies?

See, a straight woman says, *”I’m sorry, I can’t have sex with you until I get to know you.”*

A gay man says,

Read the rest of this entry »

Are there hidden signs, give-away gestures that can tell you whether you’re going to have sex after a date?And more to the point, if the sex will be any good? I was having drinks with a few friends and we came up with some thoughts. Like, if you open the car door for your date and he doesn’t reach over to unlock your door it usually means he doesn’t like to give head.

We were joking, of course. There’s only one sign that accurately predicts how he’ll be in bed:

Read the rest of this entry »

The “wait until you know someone before you get naked” approach might not be the rage on college campuses, but an increasing number of relationship gurus are advising women to heed Grandma’s wisdom, and make the guy buy the cow before you start giving away the milk.

In her new book, “Not Tonight, Mr. Right” (Marlowe and Company, $13.95), sex expert Kate Taylor suggests “women who quickly jump in the sack have their hearts broken faster” and “relationships are more fun, easier and longer lasting” when you stay vertical instead of going horizontal.

Men — well, those who aren’t the fathers of teenage girls — might argue against waiting, yet Taylor claims, “smart girls don’t.”

Prior to preaching the “no nookie, keep-your-knickers-on-until-you’re-sure” mantra, Taylor, a Brit with a wicked sense of humor, authored several sex books. After suffering her own heartaches, Taylor awakened to the idea that, “if you sleep with a man right away, you are throwing away your best chance of making him become absolutely wild about you.”

Her research reveals that men find their partner less attractive and sexy after their first roll between the sheets, but women find their partner more sexy after their first romp.  The culprit is

Read the rest of this entry »

I don’t take it personally when I get accused of inventing my friends Grant and Lary, because sometimes my own biggest wish is that they were imaginary, too, especially given their penchant lately for “keeping things real.” That was their excuse last month when they tried to kidnap a visiting colleague of mine, tie him to a tree and try to talk him out of collaborating with me on a television project.

“Are those guys for real?” he yelled at me once he was safely back in California. I’ve been hearing that question a lot lately. So to put everybody’s doubt to rest, the following is an ACTUAL CONVERSATION that is absolutely without a doubt practically verbatim that occurred between the three of us at Java Vino coffee house at 10:30 a.m. on August 13, 2008. If you drove by you would have seen the three of us out there, me with my laptop pecking away as these two demented dicksacks bloviated about life in general and being professional characters in particular:

Lary: I just figured out how I’m going to win the Nobel prize for solving two world problems, the global food deficit and the overcrowded prison system. Here’s the solution: We eat the convicts.

Grant: In other parts of the world cannibalism is common, so somewhere it’s already an accepted practice. It would just be a matter of opening your mind. But it would take a long time to get people comfortable eating people.

Lary: Two meals. It would take missing two meals. I conducted a study in my basement.

Grant: Lary, I would love to have the time – or the drugs — you have on your hands.

Lary: It’s a delicate balance.

Read the rest of this entry »

There are some questions that you just don’t ask people, questions beyond the obvious ones like “How old are you?” or “How much money do you make?”  When asked, some questions trigger responses that can linger in the air like a bad fart.  I once innocently asked a cute guy I’d been flirting with at a bar why he was drinking bottled water.

Expecting to hear something generic – he was in training or had to get an early start in the morning – I was subjected to a twenty-minute diatribe describing not only his struggles with addiction, but also the origins of said addiction.  And believe me, when you’re trying to pick someone up in a bar, nothing turns you off faster than the topic of childhood incest.

Dating makes you highly vulnerable to questions that you just can’t seem to answer, no matter how long you ramble.  Like fumbling during a job interview, a simple question such as “Why did you move to Chicago?” can trigger an endless monologue on running away from a dysfunctional relationship revolving solely around alcohol, infidelity, and weed (trust me).  Given that my lot in life seems to be eternal solitude, I, as the constant dater, have learned to dodge such open-ended questions.  Question:  Why did I move to Chicago?  Answer:  Work.

However, I was recently stumped by a rather crafty question while having drinks with someone I’d met online.  Well trained in what is acceptable to say and what is completely off limits, I was stunned that I hadn’t considered this question in all of my preparation.  In all my years of experience in dating, no one had ever asked me this:  “Why are you single?”

I knew better than to take the easy route and blame my appearance. Even the most novice of daters know that a lack of self-esteem is not attractive.  I also knew not to fault myself.  Dating is all about the upsell, and nothing knocks down your sticker price like exposing your insanity and trust issues to a potential buyer.  The question merited a response focused on blame.  So not knowing who exactly to blame for my being single, I did what any over-educated American liberal would do.  I blamed society:

•  Every sane guy worth dating within my age bracket (25 – 35) is already in the throes of their first serious relationship.
•  When those guys hit the market again after that first serious relationship ends, they will need a few years to resow their wild oats, which would then leave them pushing 40.
•  40 year olds have too much baggage. Their baggage mixed with my baggage will be way too heavy for any two people to carry.
•  Catching younger guys before they get into their first serious relationship with someone their own age is not an option for me.  Younger guys who like older guys do so because they have issues with their fathers or they like to spend someone else’s money.  I’m too young to be anyone’s father and I’m poor, deeming me useless with the younger guys.

The tirade ended, and shortly afterwards, so did the date.  I’d taken the long way around one of those questions best left unanswered.  Now, moving forward, I know exactly what to say:

“Why are you single?”

“My boyfriend died.”