Mike Alvear’s Urge & Merge

My daughter Mary Lou (my phantom name for her) came out at age fourteen, ten years ago. I can’t say I was totally surprised after years of her tearing the heads and couture off my vintage Barbie dolls instead favoring WWF wrestlers and Ninja turtles figurines as well as her collection of Matchbox cars. She also refused to wear dresses and any shoe other than Converse high tops to the Symphony, Opera or even my wedding to Number 2 in which she was the flower girl. She was the only girl on the flag football team, the only girl playing point guard on the Church basketball team and plays a mean slide guitar. Before and since the defining moment, I’ve always been and always will be her biggest supporter. I took her to hundreds of Youth Pride meetings and marched proudly carrying my PFLAG banner at the Atlanta Gay Pride Parade. She graduated from one of the top business schools in the country Magna Cum Laude a year ago and has a fabulous job in the financial services industry. Oh and I forgot to mention she is tall, blonde and looks like a supermodel. She’s my love, my heart, and my pride and joy.

Mary Lou has had two serious relationships. Her first a wonderful Latino artist type Lola (also not her name) I still adore to this day and hate that their relationship ended so badly. Lola, I hope you and Mary Lou will connect in the future because you were so special in her finding herself as a lesbian. Her current girlfriend just graduated from a prominent Woman’s College and is heading to law school. They have been together for two years. Whether they end up together long term or not, I know that my daughter wants to live the life that all Americans long for. This means building a life with a loving partner afforded the same rights and privileges as any straight married couple. It means having children who are shown acceptance in their schools, living in neighborhoods akin to those of their straight counterparts. It means freedom from any form of discrimination against those that live the gay lifestyle.

My gay friends who are parents are devoted and nurturing to their children and live their lives indistinguishable from those of their straight neighbors. They are loyal to their mates, monogamous, devoted partners, honor and abide by the law, and are committed to making their neighborhoods and communities safer being the first to volunteer on boards and charities.

This whole idea that marriage is an institution between one man and one woman is ridiculous and antiquated considering that over 50% of traditional marriages end in divorce. Who gets to decide this? This is more an expression of prejudice than a real argument to deny gays basic human rights.

Why do I care about this for my daughter, her potential wife and my grandchildren? Read the rest of this entry »

“Rights should not be stifled by fear and silence should not be a response to injustice.”

Harvey Milk could charm a banana out of a gorilla’s hands. God Himself cocked his ear whenever he made a speech. And clearly, few politicians sacrificed more for their cause.

A lot of gay folks have been waiting for Harvey to come back in another form. But really, who’d have thought that the next Harvey Milk would be straight?

Or black?

Or blind?

Just like a lot of African-Americans think of Barack Obama as the Next Great Leader after Martin Luther King, my guess is that if New York governor David Paterson keeps up the fight for New York gay marriage, a lot of gay folks are going to see him as Harvey Milk 2.0.

Sure, there have been others that have come close, notably Gavin Newsome, the mayor of San Francisco, and Bill Clinton. Yes, BILL CLINTON (click here to see why he’ll be remembered as a gay civil rights pioneer).

Which reminds me, why is it that the most iconic gay civil rights figures since Milk are straight? Can you imagine feminists trumpeting some male politician as the next Susan B. Anthony?

At any rate, Read the rest of this entry »

If I ever have children, the person I would want to be the guardian of those children should anything happen to me (and my children’s father) is one of my closest friends – who is also a gay man. He wants very much to have the right to marry, and although I would support this desire in any circumstance, I find myself becoming VERY emotionally invested in this for partly selfish reasons.

This is the man I would trust to raise my children above anyone else. I love my family and my other good friends, but he is the person in my life whose values align the closest with mine, not to mention being the most responsible person I know. From my perspective, it is in my interests (and the interests of any kids I may have) for him to be able to form a stable long-term relationship and to marry – with all the legal benefits associated with that institution.

How gay marriage strengthens straight marriage

I’m gay and not sold on gay marriage

Where does gay marriage rank in the top ten reasons why heterosexuals divorce?

Click here for an explosively emotional site that helps conservative parents come to terms with their gay children

Oi vey.

I twisted. I turned. I squirmed. I picked up a book. I did not want to have a conversation with this woman. But having grown up with a Jewish grandmother, I knew resistance was futile.

So we talked. And sure enough she raised a question so Jewish it practically comes with Matzo balls: “So are you single?”

There’s a time and a place for coming out. This wasn’t one of them. “Yes,” I answered, quickly changing the subject. But she kept returning to the subject. “A nice boy like you not married?” I said something about not meeting the right person and changed the subject again.

Ignoring the subject switch, she said, “Well, I bet you have plenty of girls you’re dating.”

I told her I didn’t and changed the subject. *Again.* She changed the subject right back. “So, really,” she asked me. “Tell me why you haven’t married.”

I cracked. I put my book down, turned to her and said,

“I would if I could.” She was confused. I looked in her eyes. “I’m gay.”

Judging by the length of her silence, I clearly surprised her. And she surprised me right back. Her reaction wasn’t at all what I expected. She didn’t turn her shoulder and ignore me for the rest of the flight. She didn’t suddenly go quiet and change the subject. Instead, she narrowed her eyes and said,

“Why do you people constantly flaunt your homosexuality? The peace on the plane was about to turn into a fight on the flight. “What do you mean ‘flaunt,’” I said, exasperated. “I’ve been trying to keep my private life private but you’ve been badgering me about it for the last 15 minutes. What did you want me to do–lie?”

“Yes,” she said.

And with that one word I understood something about conservative people that I hadn’t realized before. If they can’t change you to fit their

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Because really,
it’s going to cramp my style

Despite having been out and proud for almost fifteen years, I am at constant odds with my fellow gays and bleeding-heart liberals over holy homo matrimony. I understand that gay couples are denied the financial and legal perks that come with the legalized sanctity of marriage. However, these perks come at a cost. I’m still not convinced that most gay people actually get what gay marriage would mean not only to our community, but to their relationships. I’ve compiled a short list of activities that will no longer be acceptable once the gays are able to start filing joint tax returns.

A. No more three ways. Ever! Not even when you’re both really drunk, out of town, and the hot bartender asks where your hotel is. Remember growing up, how your parents never came back after a night out with some random person? Exactly.

B. No more moving at the speed of light. If you connect with someone that you’ve met at a softball game or sex party, you cannot make copies of your house keys for them within the week. Think about all of the straight weddings you’ve been to, how the couples knew each other since high school or college. Just because someone swallowed on the first date or can make your ex jealous does not necessarily make them marriage material. Clearly, when the Iowa Supreme Court deliberated on gay marriage, they did not take that into account.

C. No more of this open relationship crap. Sure, you and your partner may have a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, but once gay marriage is legal, …

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As outrageous as it may sound, heterosexual families will become stronger and stronger as more states follow the New York gay marriage proposal, Iowa’s gay marriage ruling and Vermont’s veto override. Gay marriage will reduce the number of divorces caused by fraudulent marriages, ensure that more orphaned children grow up in stable homes, raise the standard of living for children with gay parents, make neighborhoods safer for families, and boost the economies of struggling communities.

It’s not the license to marry that will create these benefits; it’s the massive shift in attitude that’ll result from it. The more gays are accepted as equal citizens the more stable heterosexual marriage will become. Why? Because there are an untold number of “traditional” marriages that break up because one of the spouses comes out.

Homophobia drives fearful gay men and women into fraudulent marriages. The pressure to conform, the weight of discrimination, the potential loss of cherished dreams (serving in the military, worshipping in church, getting job promotions, raising kids) propels many into marriages they otherwise wouldn’t commit to. Like my friend Cooper.

Cooper is 64 and recently divorced. He was married for 38 years before he came out. He left behind him a woman whose life was shattered by a truth that tunneled its way out of the mounds of shame, hostility and hatred that society heaped on it. The woman is 62. What is she supposed to with her life now the he’s found his?

Homophobia has a way of wounding gay and straight alike. It creates two classes of victims: People who are forced to lie and the people they lie to. As homophobia decreases, so will the pressure for gays and lesbians to enter into fig leaf marriages. Which in turn, prevents children from being hurt by divorce and helps heterosexuals, like Cooper’s wife, create authentic, stable marriages.

Homophobia punishes heterosexuals, too. For every gay man and woman that gets punished by the legal system there are straight mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters who suffer with them.

According to my calculations (see box below), 57.6 million people are either directly or indirectly affected by homophobia. Since demographers believe there are only about 6.4 million self-identified gay people, that means 89% of the people affected by discrimination against gays are heterosexual.

No matter how they feel about homosexuality, no parent wants to see their children hurt, no brother wants to see his sister in danger, no uncle wants to see his nephew suffer. One of the intangible costs of homophobia is the excruciating emotional pain felt by everyone related to the gay family member. Lessen homophobia, as gay marriage will, and you lessen the strain on millions of families.

Estimated Numbers:
6.4 million gays and lesbians
6.4 million siblings of gays and lesbians (assuming each gay person has one sibling)
12.8 million parents of gays and lesbians (assuming each parent is alive)
25.6 million grandparents (assuming two sets of living grandparents)
6.4 million uncles and aunts (assuming one per gay person)

Total: 57.6 million

How Gay Marriage Helps Your Neighborhood
Ferndale, Michigan’s downtown was once lined with abandoned buildings. After years of courting gays to live and start businesses, it had a vacancy rate of less than 3 percent (before the recession hit.

Ferndale followed the theories in the bestselling book, “The Rise of the Creative Class.” Civic leaders across the country pay over $10,000 to hear the author, urban planner Richard Florida, talk about the best way to revitalize their communities. His thesis: If cities want to jump-start their economies they must attract the dominant economic group in America–people who think for a living (doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers, entrepreneurs and computer programmers). Dubbing them the “Creative Class,” Florida points out they’re the most dominant economic group, making up nearly 30% of the workforce.

Florida produced a number of indexes measuring characteristics of successful cities. There’s a High-Tech Index (ranking cities by the size of their software, electronics and engineering sectors) and an Innovation Index (ranking cities by the number of patents per capita).

But one of Florida’s most talked-about ranking is the Gay Index. He told
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