A few weeks ago my boyfriend dumped me. Perhaps boyfriend is not exactly the term to use here, we were actually more like acquaintances with benefits. There is nothing particularly unique  about my story, though I must add here that I am happily married with almost grown children. However, like some women obsessively collect china or Pandora jewelry, I collect men.

Everyone needs a hobby.

So my friend breaking things off with me was no big deal, I’ll just go get a new one. What was unique was the reason that he ended our affair.

He was tired of me using him for sex.

Seriously.

This all occurred on my Monday appointment setting time. At the beginning of the week I line up my appointments; nails, blow outs, personal trainer, chiropractor, fuck buddy. Tuesday and Thursday evenings are reserved for my encounters. My family thinks I am at a Hadassah meeting or the gym, thus cannot be reached via cell phone for a few hours.

However that morning was different. He was nervous when he called me back on his “special” phone line. I keep a Tracfone (also referred to as my “booty call phone”) for my monsieur du jour, so that way there is no chance of them showing up on my regular cell phone bill. He had apparently thought through what he wanted to say ahead of time and the tightness of stress in his voice was evident. Read the rest of this entry »

And Elliot Spitzer,  John Edwards and Bill Clinton.

We can’t understand why these guys handled the aftermath of their affairs with such monumental stupidity,  but inject us with truth serum, banish the women and you’ll get a rather inconvenient truth:  We understand why they did it.

We understand the aching, overwhelming desire to shtuup the new girl at the office (or the new guy at the gym).

We know that having sex outside the relationship doesn’t mean we don’t love our spouses.

We know there isn’t some deficiency in our spouses that drives us into the arms of strangers.

We understand the Marc Sanfords of the world because we’ve either done what they’ve done, are currently doing it or hoping to do it.

And it isn’t because we’re bored, depressed, unhappy, not being treated right at home, going through a mid-life crisis, looking for adventure, need validation or…

Wait, wait, here’s my favorite:  Because we have a fear of intimacy.

Bull.  That’s what people (especially women) say to themselves so that they don’t have to face the ugly truth:  Men are not meant to be monogamous.  We are beat into monogamy by unreasonable moral codes.  And much to the dismay of society, temporarily beating something into submission doesn’t change the nature of what you’re beating.

The reason most people (and by that, I mean women) can’t understand why so many men would risk their relationship and careers for sex is that

Read the rest of this entry »

When it comes to love and sex, guys have so many problems with the truth they should have business cards that read, “Professional Liar.”

Take a look at any city magazine’s “Most Eligible Bachelor & Bachelorette” feature and you’ll see what I mean.  Here’s a typical answer a guy gave in a section called, “What I look for in a woman:”

“Someone with a good sense of humor who likes to have fun, is confident in who they are, likes to travel, and is honest and goal-oriented.”

Oh, Please.  Ireland’s pastures long for that kind of manure.   We men are visually-oriented sexcentrics, yet we will never, if asked what we look for in a mate, say what we really want: Read the rest of this entry »

I’m moving in with my boyfriend in a few months.  I care about him very much, and I want to be with him, but part of me also wants to have one last “fling” before we make the step to move in together.  Should I allow myself to take a dip in the pool one last time?

– Slightly Confused

Dear Confused:
I love how you say “one last fling” as if you’re about to get into a committed relationship rather than already being in one. I understand it, though. It’s the same mentality I had the first time I moved in with a boyfriend. Instead of focusing on the reasons I wanted to live together (“I love him, he makes me laugh, he’s got a mean, hateful cock”) I started thinking, “OMFG! He’s the last guy I’m ever going to have sex with!”

And really, if that thought doesn’t make you panic I don’t know what will.

You’re also probably thinking, “It’s going to be impossible to trick once we live together so I better do it now.” Well, stop worrying. You’ll find a way. Men always do. Anyhow, you wouldn’t have asked my permission if you didn’t already know it was wrong. Instead of rationalizing an infidelity why don’t you neutralize it by taking to your boyfriend about it? Bring it up in a joking way. Like, “Do you ever get afraid that I’m the last guy you’ll ever sleep with? Do you ever think about having ‘one last fling?’”

You might be surprised at his answer. And the “permission” you might actually get. But there’s a more important reason to talk about it-to start an on-going dialogue about monogamy. Are you going to treat it as a necessary evil, something you both want, or a bored game by Milton Bradley? Don’t set yourselves up to be one of those couples that break up over “the silent issue.” Things shouldn’t end because one partner crossed a boundary that was never discussed.

If you don’t want to have a conversation with him then I say don’t have a fling.  Cheating is no way to start out a new life together.

                                             Liar, Liar.

The New York Times had a great article on the latest study of infidelity.  Though the real news, as editors saw it, was the rise of infidelity among women over the past few years, I couldn’t get past the overall number:

Married men who cheat in a given year:           12%

Married women who cheat in a given year:      7%

Men who cheat over their lifetime:                28%  

Women who cheat over their lifetime:        15%

Please.  These numbers are so low they could walk under a closed door.  With a hat.  Almost all studies tend to have what are called “statistical outliers” — Numbers that are so off the average they suggest they’re part of a different population or that the sample is weak.  These infidelity figures are so low, I’d like to suggest a new term for the study of infidelity:  Statistical Outliars.  

With the divorce rate hovering at 50% and infidelity cited as one of the top three reasons for splitting up, how the hell can you believe a study that shows such low numbers?  The article acknowledges the difficulty in getting people to fess up to strangers, but it doesn’t go far enough.  Yes, the numbers are extremely low when face to face studies are conducted.  And they shoot up when it’s done on the internet because it provides a lot more anonymity.  

But still, what kind of idiot do you have to be to tell a stranger that you’re boinking somebody who isn’t your spouse?  The fear of that information getting out would make a lot, if not most of us, go into truthiness overdrive. 

And let’s not forget the ever-expanding capacity for people, especially men, to rationalize their behavior so that they can lie and feel like they’re telling the truth.  

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman” anybody?

Or “It depends on what your meaning of ‘is’ is?”

I’m always amazed by letters I get from people who don’t consider sleeping around cheating because they didn’t stick it in the right orifice.  Right.  Is a test any less of a test because it was an oral exam?

My point is that it’s ridiculous to ask somebody a question that makes them admit to others a behavior they don’t admit to themselves.   You know why the Centers for Disease Control does not use the word “Gay” when reporting HIV infections?  When they ask somebody if they’re gay the answer is a WHOLE LOT LOWER than if they ask them if they’ve had sex with another man.  So they tag it MSM (men having sex with men) rather than gay.

The infidelity study I’d like to see would have the following question.  I think you’d get a more accurate number, if not a more interesting one:

“Do you think your partner has ever cheated on you?”