Mike Alvear’s Urge & Merge

Karl Rove, the architect of George W. Bush’s divisive politics, the man who argued for a Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage on grounds that it would threaten the institution, got divorced last week after 24 years of marriage.

Another champion of family values hoisted on his own petard.

Here’s what he said about gay marriage–you know the thing that threatens straight marriage more than straight divorce:

”ROVE: Well, marriage is a very important part of our culture and our society. If we want to have a hopeful and decent society, we ought to aim for the ideal. And the ideal is that marriage ought to be and should be a union of a man and a woman. And we cannot allow activist judges to overturn that. We cannot allow activist local elected officials to thumb their nose at 5,000 years of human history and determine that marriage is something else.’‘

Just once, I’d like to see a public figure do some private introspection. And make an apology. Here’s what I’d like to hear from you Karl, short and sweet:

“My divorce hurts the institution more than your marriage. If I can’t make it work, I have no business trying to prevent you from trying.”

Watching the thousands of people lined up to buy Sarah Palin’s book reminded me of crowds lining up to see Paris Hilton. The same question pops up: Why?

Just as Paris Hilton is famous for being famous,Sarah Palin is infamous for being infamous. In either case, there’s no “there” there. The only missing piece between Paris and Palin is a sex tape, and frankly, can that be far behind? They’re both beautiful, have accomplished nothing, and are revered for….what? Somebody tell me what?

The only real difference between these two icons seems to be which end of the banality pool they swim in. At least, Palin is in the deeper end. She was mayor of Wasilla, Alaska (population: 10,000) and governor of the state (population 686,000 give or take a caribou or two). Though even those accomplishments are forever tarnished by her decision to quit halfway into her term without a real reason.

But that’s about their only difference. Neither of these two women speak in full sentences (Paris, Palin, PLEASE! A verb!) and neither can recall what they read. Or rather, if.

They’re like two bookends in some feminist nightmare–unaccomplished women who left the true achievers in the dust (note to Palin: I wouldn’t be alone with Kay Bailey Hutchinson or Christie Todd Whitman). I’m scared to death that my 12 year old niece will look up to either one of these women. What, a quitter as hero? A bimbo as role model?

I think it’s the vacuousness of both princesses that annoys the most. Paris tip-toes past the medicine cabinet so she won’t wake up the sleeping pills; Palin does it so she won’t wake up the Russians. If we could just get one understandable idea out of either of these women, there’d be some purchase to their popularity. But with the one that truly matters–Palin–we’re left with a three-word energy policy (”Drill, Baby, Drill”), a two word health care summary (”Death Panels”) and a one word reading list (”Uhm.”).

Where is the “there” that keeps thousands waiting in line to buy a book by a woman who doesn’t read? I pride myself in “getting” what conservatives sees in their heros, even if I don’t agree with them. McCain? War hero, campaign finance reform, I get it. Mitt Romney? Governor of an important state, ran the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics, I get it. But Sarah? What’s there to get?

Why Men Relate to Governor Sanford

I don’t normally do political opinion posts and I’m not today either. But I saw this situation coming last week when former President Bill Clinton sashayed John Wayne style into North Korea and waltzed out with those two hot Asian reporter chicks. I watched the whole drama on the news, and I do have to add that I was thrilled and relieved that the young women were freed.

Then I made myself laugh all afternoon as I pictured scenarios that might have taken place on the plane (thoughtfully loaned by playboy Hollywood friend and Clinton supporter, Stephen Bing). Apparently Clinton just went and spoke to Kim Jong Il and was able to negotiate the release of the journalists with the notoriously difficult dictator in a few hours. Damn that man is smooth.

I’ll bet he promised to film a little action and send it to his new buddy. A former President, two grateful young women (who happen to be very attractive), a tricked out personal jet (did it have a hot tub?), and a well stocked bar complete with Cuban cigars.

“Come here to Big Daddy, little girls. Show me some of that hot Oriental love. Y’all do some massage?”

I swear he winked at the camera when he followed them on to the plane.

So where was the Secretary of State during all this? I would have been right there myself, shoving him out of the way so that the press could have gotten my sound bite instead of his. Yes, the State Department coordinated the biggest foreign policy accomplishment of the Obama administration last week, but who took all the credit? Read the rest of this entry »

Sarah Palin, who’s only served as Alaska’s governor since 2006, resigned today, effective in a couple of weeks.  She made the stunning announcement in a press conference where she sounded like cross between a high school basketball coach giving the team a half-time pep talk and Cheech & Chong after a particularly wop-wop-whizzly-do episode with some fine Colombian, north slope weed.

She was so unclear and evasive about the reasons for her resignation that I kept banging my car’s dashboard thinking  my radio was just giving off a lot of static.  It didn’t work.  No matter how much I pounded on her, I couldn’t get a straight answer.  See if you can figure it out in this AP post.

Sarah Palin The Quitter. I think she said she quit because the media was too negative and she didn’t want to waste millions of tax dollars to fight ethics investigations.  But really, it doesn’t matter.  She quit.  She gave up.  She betrayed everybody who gave money, made phone calls, and invested all their energies into electing her.  This is the legacy that Sarah Palin leaves behind:

Thanks, Sarah Palin for being a role model  our daughters can look up to.   Thanks for living up to the stereotype that women aren’t tough enough to stick it out. Thanks for showing everybody that the best way to shoulder responsibility is to wiggle out of it.   That when things aren’t to your liking the best thing to do is RUN.  And thank you especially for the reminder that quitting is a gift for the people you quit on.

Sarah Palin, Meet Hillary Clinton. She has a thing or two to teach you.  Against all odds, Hillary never quit the presidential race until every note of the swan song played out.  Weren’t you listening when she said that she got up for every American that got hit and went down?  Didn’t you see her when she REFUSED to wave the white flag you so furiously wave now?   Has she taught you nothing?   Let me repeat her mantra to you:  Never give in; never give up.

Sarah, you’re a sissy.

I’m always on a quest to be in the know about what makes a woman’s body work and how she can achieve toe curling orgasms. Two-thirds of women can’t climax through vaginal penetration requiring oral, digital or mechanical stimulation of the clitoris to rock their world. The clitoris is a bundle of 8,000 nerve fibers making it the most sensitive spot on the entire female body. Its purpose has no other function than sexual pleasure.

Luckily, having been shagging my political science professor in college who was quite adept at sexual play, I got my orgasm on early on when he illustrated to me all the ways I could manipulate my clitoris to mind blowing orgasms. That worked well for me for a decade as I learned all the sexual positions that would stimulate my clitoris during intercourse so that I was always sexually satisfied. Read the rest of this entry »

There’s a reason why condom manufacturers have a bag-it-at-50 rule:  Men don’t last long enough to warrant more.

Every study I’ve had thrusted upon me says the same thing–between 65% and 75% of men don’t last more than five minutes.

That wasn’t a typo.  FIVE MINUTES.   This, of course, is no surprise to the ladies– or the bottoms –who want their partners to enter the premature ejaculation event at the London Olympics, figuring they’ll come first.

Are we a nation of two-pump chumps?  Five-stroke blokes?  Read the rest of this entry »

As a karate black belt, it’s true that I can kill a man with my bare hands. Not once, however, have I been forced to plunge my FBI-registered hands into a man’s chest and pull out his beating heart as he realized in astonishment that he had finally messed with the wrong guy. No, I use karate to avoid danger and stay the hell outta people’s way.

It’s also true that my martial arts skills are no match when it comes to dating women, who have developed the far more potent marital arts skills. The main difference between martial arts and marital arts is that women have a lifetime of training and practice in the art of crushing a man’s heart, without the messiness of physically extracting it from the guy’s chest.  I can break several boards with a kick. Big deal. A woman can knock a man off a fence with one sentence. I’ll explain:

Read the rest of this entry »

Men and women in relationships complain about different things. But even researchers were stunned at how different those complaints are. In fact, there’s only one that irritates the crap out of both genders:

May 13th, 2009 at 5:15 am
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