I was on the men seeking men website, Adam4Adam. I get a terse email: “Did you take a sh*t yet?”
Confused, I clicked on his profile and the only picture there was of a humongous, erect, d*ck. It took me a second, and then I just laughed and laughed!
Every time I shower at the gym I obsess about the size of my dick. Can you give me a little reassurance?
– Size me up
Dear Size Me:
You ain’t the only one worried. Concentrate on facts and it’ll ease your anxiety. In a recent study published in Urology, researchers found a significant decrease in penis size anxiety when men where told the average size of a flaccid penis and then given a cloth ruler to measure themselves.
They were told by the scientists that a flaccid penis is normally at least 1.6 inches long, or 2.7 inches when stretched.
After the sex education and measurement, 86% of the men said their concerns had been relieved. So, go. Get a ruler and relieve yourself.
My boyfriend and I are at sexual stalemate. I admit we’ve got lots of emotional issues we’ve got to work out but there’s gotta be something we can do sexually to, uhm, break the log jam. Here’s the problem: We’ve started sexually bartering our services and it’s descended into an “I won’t do it if you won’t” or “I’ll do it if you do it first.” So if I want my God-given right to some good head, he’ll say, “fine, blow me first then we’ll see.” How do we get past this?
– Want treats not tricks
Dear Treats:
This reminds me of that great marriage-counseling story. A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor, who in an attempt to find some common ground said, “Tell me about anything the two of you have in common.” The husband spoke up and said, “Well, neither one of us sucks dicks.” Read the rest of this entry »
QUESTION:
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your column “A Small Matter of Large Size”. I’m so relieved to know that there are nonsuperficial, nonpenis obsessed, gay men out there. I’m 37 y/o and like you, I have friends that make me feel as if I’m in a perpetual junior high school because all they can talk about is cock size. I’m 6’3″ 205lbs, so I’m a pretty big guy but not well endowed. This superficial culture makes me feel as if I have to apologize for being small. I also have friends that their first question is, “how hung is he?” Like you, I refuse to answer. I just feel I cheapen my experience—and the guy—if I answer. You’ve helped me realize that the truly good guys who are sincere and worth being with don’t care about the size of your penis but the size of your heart.
– Grateful
Dear Grateful:
I can’t believe you bought that load of shit. I was drunk when I wrote that column!
I kid. You brought out some great points. I do, however, believe that you can’t be *too* sanctimonious about this issue. Hence, my favorite joke about the size of the prize:
Got any advice for guys who like sex in the shower? I’ve got a typical apartment bathroom—not much room to move around so my options seem limited.
– Wet behind the ears
Dear Wet:
You’ve come to the right place. As founder of a new chain of household goods—Bed, Bath & Bend Over – I’ve got some great suggestions.
Ahh, the eternal question every gay man asks of himself: “Am I a Sex Addict or Just a Garden-Variety Whore?” Well, take my quiz and find out.
1. Do you often feel powerless over your sexual behavior?
2. The worrisome behavior has been going on for:
3. Have you lost friendships, relationships or jobs because of your sexual escapades?
4. Have you ever been arrested or put yourself at risk of being arrested for your sexual activities?
5. Do you find yourself having to take more and more risks, needing more frequency and variety, to get the same kind of sexual/emotional high?
6. Are you keeping secrets about what you’re doing or where you’re going? Do feel like you’re leading a double life?
7. Do you spend more than 11 hours a week in online sex chat rooms or downloading porn?
8. Are you having a hard time paying bills because of the money you’re spending on internet/phone sex or porn?
9. Does your sexual behavior give you an incredible high followed by a lonely, despairing crash?
1-9 You call that a problem? I call it a weekday.
10-18 Sex Addict? Please. You’re a garden-variety whore.
19-27 Christ, you’re a hormone on hoofs! If you’re not worrying, START.
28-36 You might be a sex addict. Here’s what you need to do:
Researchers at George Mason University and Indiana University recently studied the sexual behaviors of 24,787 gay or bisexual-identified men who had a same-sex encounter within the last year.
They surveyed these guys through the internet and while they acknowledge that their primarily white sample is not “representative of the general population,” they still say their findings might encourage gay men’s sexual health professionals to stop focusing purely on disease and anal sex, because gay dudes aren’t having nearly as much anal sex as they might think.
Here are some of the study’s more interesting findings:
GENTLEMEN PREFER KISSING (AND BJS) – During their most recent same-sex encounter, 75 percent of all men gave oral sex, 74.8 percent kissed on the mouth, 74 percent received oral sex. Only about 35 percent of all men went full-blown anal. Apparently the question, “Are you a top or a bottom?” only matters one-third of the time.
QUESTION:
In a previous column you wrote about a study that hooked up the peckers of homophobes to a machine that measured blood flow when they watched gay porn. Really fascinating stuff. But I have another use for that machine. See, I have a lot of friends who claim they’re bisexual. I’d love to hook them up to that machine, show them hetero porn and see what the peter meter says. Is it possible to buy one of those things?
– Buy-curious
Dear Buy-Curious:
Of course you can. For $8,000. The penile plethysmograph determines if there’s sexual arousal by measuring the circumference of the penis. A stretchable mercury-filled band is fitted around the penis and connected to a machine with a video screen and data recorder. Any changes in penis size, even those not felt by the man, are recorded while he watches porn. Computer software shows graphs detailing the degree of arousal.
Now wait’ll you hear what the machine was originally invented for: Read the rest of this entry »
Question:
Do you think eating well can improve your sex life?
– Dying to Eat
Dear Dying:
Yes, I do but not in the sense that if you eat, say, blueberries, that somehow you’re going to put an extra “o” in “ooohhh.” Read the rest of this entry »
You know what the top two questions to my gay sex advice column are?
1. How can I bottom without pain
2. How do I get myself clean enough
The problem with these questions is that I can only write about them so much without my column turning into The Gay Bottom Handbook. But then I thought, hey, why not ? (Creating a handbook; not turning my column into one).
Introducing Gay Anal Sex: How To Bottom Without Pain Or Stains, the ebook that answers every question you ever had about gay sex. If you’re wondering how some gay bottoms can swallow living room sectionals when a finger gives you excruciating pain, then this book’s for you.
You’ll discover simple tricks and techniques that’ll short-circuit the pain so you can finally experience the sometimes earth-shattering orgasms male anal sex can give you.
At $9.99, it’s a recession busting, cherry-popping read. Click here to order:
Gay Anal Sex: How To Bottom Without Pain Or Stains
