Q:

My boyfriend has a much higher sex drive than I do.  It’s a constant source of conflict.  He feels rejected and I feel harassed.   Lately, I’ve been so frustrated I’ve taken to yelling at him to leave me alone.  I know that’s wrong but I need some guidance here.  What’s the best way of saying NO when his zipper’s saying yes?

–  Tired of it

Dear Tired of It:

Mismatched libidos is the most common sexual problem between couples.

The first thing to remember is that you have the right to say no, buy you also have the obligation to be kind.  If you want him to respect your wishes then be respectful of his feelings.  Here’s how:

1.  Be affectionate.  When he comes at you waving his hoo-ha, draw him closer, hold his hand, caress his face.  The biggest mistake “low desire” partners make is in withholding affection (usually because they’re afraid their high-desire partner will interpret that as a sign you want to fuck).  But by withholding affection you’re making the rejection that much more painful.

2.  Postpone, don’t reject.  Never say no without saying when.  A postponement is easier to take than a rejection.

But what if he won’t take no for an answer?  Pattern Interrupt.  You sit up, hold his hand and say, “Honey I understand you want to have sex but I don’t.  Please respect what I’m saying to you.” If you’re boyfriend is a half-way decent guy, you’ll only have to do that once or twice before it sinks in that NO means NO.  And if he’s not a halfway-decent guy you need to ask yourself what you’re doing with him.

At the same time, you need to learn how to say “maybe.”  Studies show that once “low desire” partners start having sex you can’t wipe the smile off them.  The challenge is in the start, not the finish. So ask yourself “if I were going to have sex how would I want to be touched and kissed to make it happen?”  And then tell your boyfriend the answer.

New Book About Gay Anal Sex!  Learn How To Bottom Without Pain Or Stains.

Q:

I want to surprise my boyfriend for our one-year anniversary with a sex-related but fairly tame gift.  He’s as vanilla as they come so I can’t be doing anything raunchy.  Any suggestions?

–  Gift guesser

Dear Guesser:

Vanilla, you say?  I suppose that leaves out any products from Divine Interventions.  They’re the folks who put out what most wouldn’t dare put in—dildoes in the shape of religious figures.

Yes, they sell everything from Baby Jesus Butt plugs (in marbled green or a helpful glow in the dark white) to the Moses Dildo (helps part the pink sea).  If you’re into religious obscenity then this is the place to shop till you drop:

My latest book, How To Bottom Without Pain Or Stains landed on Kindle’s Top 10 Sex eBooks.  Chelsea Handler is #1 with her sex memoir.  Watch out, Chelsea, I’m coming up behind you!

You can check it out here if you have a Kindle.

And here if you want to download it as a PDF directly off your mac or PC: How To Bottom.

Q:

This boorish trick came by on a Sunday afternoon.  What a clod.  He was dressed and headed for the door before the cum had even begun to coagulate on the sheets.  I mean, hold me for God’s sakes!  He was up and standing right away, and I’m like, please, relax on the bed, let me get you a warm towel, you know?  And besides, you’re dripping on the hardwoods.   So my question is, how do you get a trick to just stay put long enough to have some post-coital snuggling?  I don’t want to marry the guy, I just want to be held and do some playful touching.

—     Touch & Go

Dear Touch:
I’m right there with you, babe.  There’s something so delicious about holding a man after sex, to feel smothered by his body as your mind gently drifts and your body descends into a blissful peace and calm.  There’s nothing worse than a guy who comes and goes.

Read the rest of this entry »

There’s no such thing as a Sexual IQ test, so naturally I made one up.  Hey, like I’ve always said, “If you see a hole, fill it.”  So are you an ignorant slut, a knowledgeable prude or something in between?  Take the test and find out:

What is considered the “Male G-spot?”

a.    the prostate
b.    the frenulum
c.    The wallet

Where is the “Male G-spot?”

a.    A couple of inches inside the anus towards the navel
b.    A couple of inches inside the urethra towards the bladder
c.    A couple of inches inside the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog towards the underwear section

The main source of a man’s orgasmic pleasure is:

a.    pelvic floor muscle contractions
b.    release of semen
c.    Access to your boyfriend’s AMEX card

Read the rest of this entry »

I was on the men seeking men website, Adam4Adam.  I get a terse email:  “Did you take a sh*t yet?”

Confused, I clicked on his profile and the only picture there was of a humongous, erect, d*ck.  It took me a second, and then I just laughed and laughed!

Q:

Every time I shower at the gym I obsess about the size of my dick.  Can you give me a little reassurance? 

–  Size me up

Dear Size Me:

You ain’t the only one worried.  Concentrate on facts and it’ll ease your anxiety.  In a recent study published in Urology, researchers found a significant decrease in penis size anxiety when men where told the average size of a flaccid penis and then given a cloth ruler to measure themselves.

They were told by the scientists that a flaccid penis is normally at least 1.6 inches long, or 2.7 inches when stretched.

After the sex education and measurement, 86% of the men said their concerns had been relieved.  So, go.  Get a ruler and relieve yourself.

Q:

My boyfriend and I are at sexual stalemate.  I admit we’ve got lots of emotional issues we’ve got to work out but there’s gotta be something we can do sexually to, uhm, break the log jam.  Here’s the problem:  We’ve started sexually bartering our services and it’s descended into an “I won’t do it if you won’t” or “I’ll do it if you do it first.”  So if I want my God-given right to some good head, he’ll say, “fine, blow me first then we’ll see.”  How do we get past this?

–  Want treats not tricks

Dear Treats:

This reminds me of that great marriage-counseling story.  A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor, who in an attempt to find some common ground said, “Tell me about anything the two of you have in common.”

The husband spoke up and said, “Well, neither one of us sucks dicks.” Read the rest of this entry »

QUESTION:
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your column “A Small Matter of Large Size”.  I’m so relieved to know that there are nonsuperficial, nonpenis obsessed, gay men out there.  I’m 37 y/o and like you, I have friends that make me feel as if I’m in a perpetual junior high school because all they can talk about is cock size.  I’m 6’3″ 205lbs, so I’m a pretty big guy but not well endowed.  This superficial culture makes me feel as if I have to apologize for being small.  I also have friends that their first question is, “how hung is he?”  Like you, I refuse to answer.  I just feel I cheapen my experience—and the guy—if I answer.  You’ve helped me realize that the truly good guys who are sincere and worth being with don’t care about the size of your penis but the size of your heart.

–  Grateful

Dear Grateful:

I can’t believe you bought that load of shit.  I was drunk when I wrote that column!

I kid.  You brought out some great points.  I do, however, believe that you can’t be *too* sanctimonious about this issue.  Hence, my favorite joke about the size of the prize:

Read the rest of this entry »

Got any advice for guys who like sex in the shower?  I’ve got a typical apartment bathroom—not much room to move around so my options seem limited.

–  Wet behind the ears

Dear Wet:

You’ve come to the right place.  As founder of a new chain of household goods—Bed, Bath & Bend Over – I’ve got some great suggestions.

Read the rest of this entry »