Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

I’ve had a couple of bad experiences with Grndr guys showing up at my door looking 20 years older than they are and three inches shorter than they advertised if you know what I mean. Is it bad karma to turn away a guy at your door if he totally lied about himself? Or should I be nice, let them in and let them down gently?

– Feeling Guilty

Dear Feeling Guilty:
I don’t think you have the right to turn them away. You have the obligation to do it. Don’t confuse bad karma with good sense. You should be punishing liars, not rewarding them.

Let’s face it, there are guys online who lie so much their business cards say, “Professional Liar.” These guys are counting on your horniness blurring your vision and turning their visit into a Convenience Fuck. The best way to stop these guys is to insist on lots of pictures *before* you meet them. If the pics don’t match or look suspicious, meet them in a neutral place or don’t meet them at all.
Read the rest of this entry »

I’m 24; he’s 18. The only thing that’s stopping me from falling in love is his age. I find myself constantly lying about it to my friends. Am I crazy for thinking that dating somebody that young could actually work out? He’s everything I want in a guy– he’s almost more mature than I am and has more goals and is more on his way to achieving them than I am. Yet, the age thing is always in the back of my head. Also, I’m worried that he’s only holding on because I’m his ‘first’ and to top it off, I’ve decided to move to another city and he wants to come with me. Help! What should I do?

– Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed:

Look, if God had said, “LET THERE BE LIGHT!” and you were the one who hit the switch, you might have a point about the age spread, but come on! I’ve seen bowling pins stand further than your birthdates. Why are you so hung up on his age? It’s character, not years, that defines a man.

Speaking of character, I see a giant flaw in yours. By constantly lying about his age, you’re basically telling him and the world that you’re ashamed of him, that there’s something wrong with him. How’d you like it if he lied to his friends about your age? Would you feel accepted? Loved? Trusted? Supported? Stop lying and start bragging.

As for him holding on to you because you’re his ‘first,’ so what? The world is filled with high school sweethearts who lasted a lifetime with their ‘firsts.’ I say make him a part of your relocation package. Leaving him because you’re afraid the relationship won’t work out is like leaving a job because you’re afraid you might get laid off. Read the rest of this entry »

from a reader: I know I’ve missed out on some great one-night stands, even relationships because the guys weren’t my physical type. I’ve tried but I just can’t get into smooth guys. It feels like I’m screwing a salmon. I’m always thinking, “Go easy on the lube, otherwise he’s going to pop through my fingers and land on the other side of the room!” The other night I met the perfect guy—great looks, warmth of a furnace, but there wasn’t any hair on his legs so I made some excuse and practically fled the place. I’m feeling shallow and guilty about turning down guys just because they don’t have the exact physical look that I like. How do I deal with this?

- Rough edges

Dear Rough Edges:
Don’t confuse shallowness with preference. Are you shallow because you prefer tall guys? Athletic guys? Or guys who know the difference between its and it’s?

Not only have you developed misguided guilt, you’ve also managed to develop a scarcity mentality while sitting in front of the biggest Man-Buffet ever seen. Dude, are you blind? Most guys are hairy! And half the smooth ones are faking it. They’d probably latch on to you just to cut their waxing bills.

As far as your guilt, it’s caused by letting a physical characteristic rob you of an emotional connection. That, and the hurt you see in the other guys’ eyes when you reject them. Outside of letting them down easy, you can’t do much about the other guy’s hurt, but you can do something about broadening your body-type preferences. Notice I didn’t say, “CHANGE” your preference because that’s impossible. But it is possible to expand your “body bandwidth.” Here’s how: Read the rest of this entry »

Technology is carving into gay life as if it were marble, chiseling an exit path out of America’s closets.

Like civilization, “coming out” can now be split into two epochs: B.C. (Before Cyberspace) and A.C. (After Cyberspace).

Coming out B.C. meant taking huge emotional and physical risks. Remember your first gay club? How could you ever forget the walk from the car to the bar? Anxiety hath no fury like a closeted walk to the disco ball.

But coming out A.C. changes everything. The web doesn’t just allow you to find someone to go to the bar with, it gives you the freedom to skip the bar altogether. The web is changing the status of gay bars as a rite of passage. What started out as a loaded symbol of sexuality is turning into an ordinary place to get loaded.

Unlike bars, sites like Gay.com and Manhunt.net aren’t just about finding other gay people; Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Tainted:
I’d rather hear that you’ve stopped plugging every opening you walked by because it’s no longer fulfilling, not because you’re scared of what people will think. If you’re serious about taming that Access of Evil between your legs, you’ve got a few options, but before we go into that, allow me a rant:

The whole notion that you have to worry about your ‘reputation’ sounds like the church got together with farmers to produce Grade A Bullshit. You’re SUPPOSED to be slutty when you come out. Your underwear is SUPPOSED to fly off at the thought of mangina. Your heels are SUPPOSED to fill with helium at the sight of a hottie. So what if you speak eight languages and you can’t say ‘no’ in any of them? Read the rest of this entry »

From a reader: I live in Sydney and met a hot Italian guy during Mardi Gras. It’s been incredibly passionate with lots of talk of what will happen between us when he moves here permanently next year. Then, at the last party of the festival I found him giving his number to some guy. When I challenged him on it, he said he was just trying to make friends for when he eventually settles here. Things deteriorated after one of my mates said my Italiano boy was flirting with him. So, I gave Mr. Sicily a choice: I’m either just a holiday shag – in which case, no hard feelings and good luck – or is it more? He insists it’s more and wants to be boyfriends. Do I cut and run or give him the benefit of the doubt?

–Confused Downunder

Dear Confused:
Does the sun shine so brightly in Australia that you can’t see what’s going on three feet in front of you? I don’t know who’s worse—him for being such an asshole or you for being such a blind one. If you caught him in bed with another guy—and you will—by bet is he’d say, “Who are you going to believe, ME or YOUR LYING EYES!!”

And you’re so blind I bet the first thing out of your mouth would be, “Honey, that better be me you’re fucking or we’re through!” Welcome to the Isle of Denial. Population: You. It’s a wonderful place to live except that you can’t hear reality knocking on the door and yelling, “Let me in, I’m a fact!” And the fact is, he’s a Read the rest of this entry »

Like it or not, the gay dating world is filled, or rather shorn, of a lot of hair. Here are the options and their cruel consequences:

Laser Removal
What it is: Laser light grabs the hair follicle, says, “Luke, I am your father” and kills the hair root. It doesn’t kill the follicle, though, so hair can still grow back. Maybe it should say, “Luke, I did your Father” and it would work better.

How long it’ll take: About half an hour per session. Like the Star Wars movies, it’ll take about 8 sequels to get the job done.

Where you should aim it: At your boss. But if you need the job, your chest, back, stomach and genitals.
The hit: About $450 per treatment.
Duration: It’s the most permanent of your options, but touch-ups are the rule.

Waxing
What it is: Torture. They put strips of cloth over the wax and then RIP the fucker off. The new waxes aren’t supposed to be as painful as the old waxes, but that’s like saying getting stabbed by a dull knife doesn’t hurt as much as a sharp one. Technically true, but…

How long it’ll take: Ten minutes to an hour.

Where you should aim it: Unibrows, hair on the ears and neck, legs, underarms, and arms. Gay advice: Do NOT use it on your genitals unless you’re an extra on the next sequel to The Hills Have Eyes and need the screaming practice.

The hit: About $50-70 a session

Duration: About 4 to 6 weeks.
Read the rest of this entry »

From a reader: My boyfriend of only a few weeks has expressed interest in threesomes since Day One. Its not like he comes out and says it, but its obvious he’s curious about it. I’ve expressed my dislike but I don’t want to push him away. My problem with the three-way thing is the “third wheel” phenomenon where someone almost always ends up feeling like they’re not part of the bicycle. How do I talk to my boyfriend about my concerns without scaring him off?

–Third wheel fears.

Dear Third Wheel:
Math problems tend to illuminate most relationship problems, so do a quick one for me. You’re driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. Now what was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Think hard.

Answer: You, you idiot.

My point, and I do have one, is that Read the rest of this entry »

From a reader: First off, I’d like to congratulate you for being such a medically correct funny, heartless gay bastard. I like your column so much I went out to buy your queer-ass ebooks. But I digress… I have to sound off! I think gay dating has gone stale for me and I’m in dire need of help. I find myself asking the same boring questions, like, “When did you come out, are you out to your family, what do you do, or secretly, WHEN are you gonna do me?” I desperately need some conversation starters. How can I get to know someone without sounding like a scratched record?

– Hate repeating repeating myself

Dear Repeating Repeating:
The answer is to cut the canned crap and talk about what happened the day of your date—what you saw, experienced or felt. And stick to positive comments. Nobody wants to date cynical, bitter people–that’s what friends are for.

If you’re too nervous to wing it then remember a few fun-to-answer questions. For example: Bring up the X-men movies and ask, “Whose power would you rather have—Storm or Wolverine’s?” It’s just a version of the classic question, “Would you rather be able to fly like Superman or be invisible?”

I always say Superman. Here’s why: Read the rest of this entry »