Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

QUESTION:

I was at the bar over the weekend hawkin’ on a hottie.  I thought it was going great—the convo was flowing, he let me buy him some drinks, but closing time and no dice.   Not even his digits.  Later, a friend goes, “Are you kidding me?  You couldn’t tell he wasn’t interested?  Dude, his body language was saying “go away” from the moment you said hello!”  So here’s my question—what kind of body language signs should I look for?

– Shot Down

Dear Shot Down:

There are 5 principles to reading body language.  Memorize them—they’ll serve you well on your next visit to a bar or party:

#1. Words lie, bodies don’t.

The truth leaks out of our bodies like a pockmarked water pail. As soon as we put a finger in one hole another one opens up. You may think you look calm, cool and collected, but look down– your foot’s tapping the floor like a woodpecker. Sexual signals bounce all over the place whenever gay men get together, and they’re being sent with heads, eyes, arms, hands, legs, and feet. Yes, feet. Long story, keep reading.

#2. Your body language changes when you see somebody hot. And you’re usually not aware of it.

Hidden camera studies show that a man’s posture changes when he sees somebody that turns him on. He, or more to the point, YOU, will:

1. Pull your stomach. (To look sleeker)
2. Throw your shoulders back (to occupy more space)
3. Puff up your chest (to look bigger)
4. Lift your head (To look taller)
5. Protrude your jaw (to look more dominant)

It’s a form of preening. Researchers call it “Auto-erotic signaling.”

Read the rest of this entry »

QUESTION:

I freeze whenever I’m around guys I want to meet. The thought of them looking for something better as I’m talking to them or excusing themselves from the conversation is too much to bear.  My fear of getting ignored, or worse, mocked, pretty much guarantees that I never approach anyone remotely good looking.  I operate under the philosophy that it’s better to leave with my self-esteem intact than to take the chance that a hottie will crush it under his heel.  Needless to say, my love life sucks.  How do I turn this around?

–  Fresh fear, never frozen.

Dear Fresh:

How do you get rid of this fear of rejection?  By disconnecting yourself from results and connecting with the process.  Let’s take dieting as an example.  Your goal (the desired outcome) is to lose ten pounds. The method (or process) is to eat fewer calories.

Focusing on the outcome drives you to weigh yourself every day looking for signs that you lost weight.  You then become frustrated that you’re not losing weight fast enough.  So you starve yourself to get quicker results.  The starvation leads to anxiety and a sense of futility and next thing you know, you’re off the diet.

Over-attachment to the outcome rarely works.

Here’s another approach:  Read the rest of this entry »

QUESTION:

Last month I met some flight attendant who regularly flies into my hometown.  We had dinner and afterwards we go up to my place where things got hot and heavy.  We’re kissing, scratching tonsils with our tongues and our hands are all over each other.  I make my move and I guess he gets insulted that I tried to board him without the proper ticketing or something.   He was like, “I don’t have sex on the first date.”  I’m thinking, “Who is this Winged Whore kidding?  This is a hookup, not a date!”  So I get forceful.  I was like, “Nobody meets a stranger online without wanting sex, you fucking Air Mattress.”  And with that I hauled off and smacked him to the ground.  I would have fucked him right then and there but luckily I came to my senses and just threw him out of the apartment.

So I have two questions:  First, why are so many guys such prick-teases?  Second, how do I keep my anger about this in check?  There’s something about a guy refusing to have sex after a heavy make-out session that makes me go berserk.

—  Mad as Hell

Dear Mad:

Why are all these guys such prick-teases?  Because they’re going out with such a prick.

If I were the Sky Witch I would’ve opened the emergency door at thirty thousand feet and pushed you off.  And if that didn’t work I would have jumped out myself.

Clearly, you’re doing something wrong if you can’t get a flight attendant to fuck you.  I mean, one kiss and it’s heels-to-Jesus with those guys.

The reason guys leave you boiling at the bedpost is because, like a fart in a perfume store, you have an odor of entitlement that stinks up the place.  Nobody owes you sex even if they’ve kissed you or fondled your wallet at dinner.

Here’s why I think you’re doing it:  You’re a spoiled little shit who’s been catered to all his life.  You’re not used to people saying no to you because you’ve always gotten what you’ve always wanted.  Like a two-year-old, the word “no” ENRAGES you.

Make no mistake about it; you have a serious problem.  It’s not unreasonable to want sex after a date, even to anticipate it.  But the appropriate response to being denied sex is disappointment, not rage.

You need a therapist to figure out why sex is the only thing that validates you with other guys.  Their company, their kisses, their attention don’t seem to mean shit to you.  Only their willingness to have sex satisfies you.

If you’re not willing to get therapy then I have two options for you:

1)  Wear a red neon sign over your head that blinks “Put Out or Get Out.” At least that way your ‘dates’ know what they’re in for.  And, no, you can’t have mine.  Get your own.

2)  Make an attempt to change yourself. Ask yourself why you’re so angry.  Learn a little empathy.  How would you feel if you changed your mind about somebody and they tried to force you to have sex?  As a formative exercise, ask guys out and YOU be the one to decline sex.  Learn to enjoy a man’s company whether he puts out or not.

Question:

When God handed out endowments I must have thought He was fundraising for a college and I took a pass.  While I consider myself, average it seems almost everyone I sleep with is bigger than me.  I know the average dick size is six inches but I’ve tricked with enough men to make an accurate and valid scientific study regarding erect penis sizes.  And to me, the average Caucasian prick is more like 7”.   Would you say I’m incredibly lucky with the men who hop in bed with me?  Or is it that the average gay penis is longer than the average straight penis?  And while you’re at it, can you explain the correct methodology for measuring your cock?

–  Been There, Sat On That

Dear Been There:

Since when does being a whore make you a scientist?  Listen, Trampolina, I don’t care if you’ve slept with more men than Paris Hilton at a photographer’s convention, your opinion doesn’t qualify as fact.  You need a random selection of men and an accepted way of measuring them before you spout off scientific claims.  Last time I checked, it is not acceptable science to size up a penis by how much it hurts going in.

So here’s the bad news:  the average penis size is not six inches.  The “six inch myth” got started when Kinsey did his landmark penis size study back in the 50’s.  Although there were 2,000 men in his study, it had a fatal flaw—the results were self-reported.   Men were asked to go into a room, get themselves hard and measure themselves.  Now tell me, would you believe anything coming out of a man’s mouth while he’s holding his dick?

Men always lie about size.  Why do you think we came up with maps that associate an inch with a mile?  Realizing that too many men were backdating their stock options, urologists developed a new way of measuring the size of the prize:  A third party.  So, now every legitimate penis study includes medical staff doing the measuring and reporting.  And guess what happened?  The average erect penis size shrank from Kinsey’ 6.2 inches to 5.1 inches.  Yes, the average size is just over five inches.  Kinda makes you weep, doesn’t it?

If you want to know your exact measurements, here’s how to do it:

1.  Get undressed in room temperature. “Shrinkage” will occur if it’s cold.  I don’t know about you, but I want every millimeter counted.

2.  Use a cloth ruler.  Tape measures or straightedge rulers don’t measure curvatures well.

3.  Lie on your back and start where the base of your penis meets your stomach.  Do NOT start from the back of your balls.  Nobody includes the basement when they quote the height of a skyscraper, so don’t include the tip of your ass in quoting yours.

4.  Round up to the nearest centimeter, not the nearest foot.

5.  Read it and weep.  Most men will fall between four and six inches, with the average being 5.1 inches.

Now, here’s an interesting trick I learned from a condom company.  If you want to find out if you have a big dick without measuring it, then put a tube of toilet paper over your erect penis.  If it slides all the way down to the base, you’re average or below average.  If it gets stuck, then pop the champagne corks because you’re one of the lucky few.  Yes, FEW.  Condom manufacturers estimate that only 6% of the population needs extra-large rubbers.  I know.  Another reason to cry.

Dating life drier than dirt?  Download mike’s best selling ebook, Meet The Hottie In The Corner.

Q: I use all the dating sites I can to harvest a few dates, but I’m not having much luck. Is there some kind of code that I can’t seem to crack? Why am I only attracting freaks, flakes and femmes? I’m wondering if you would take a look at my profile and tell me how I could improve it. — Desperate for better hits

Dear Desperate: I looked at your profile. You couldn’t attract men if you wore magnets. You’re doing so many things wrong I hardly know where to start. So rather than pick your profile apart (the Rapture would come before I finished) let me just give you some of the rules for meeting higher quality guys.

They’re taken from my brand new men seeking men online ebook: Attract Hotter Guys Online. The Secrets To Making Yourself Irresistible on Gay Dating Sites.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Wilter:
The worst part of having bad breath is that most people don’t know they have it. You can’t tell by breathing into your cupped hands because the body gets used to its own odors. The only way you can tell is if your partner’s teeth duck every time you lean in for a kiss.

Fortunately, there are things you can do to improve your breath, but first some background. Your breath smells like the business end of a donkey because you’re not getting rid of the food particles stuck in your teeth and gums. Those particles produce odor-causing Volatile Sulfur Compounds (VSC). Assuming your brushing and flossing regularly, here’s what you need to do: Read the rest of this entry »

Is there anything more nerve-wracking than coming up with a creative text message for somebody you’re interested in? You try and try but everything seems like a version of “nice meeting you.”

Soon, you get Texter’s Block. You’re as nervous as Paris Hilton on Jeopardy. You’re shaking like a martini. What do you do? Relax. Remember the Seven Golden Rules of Flirty Text Messaging and you’ll be blowing up their phones with witty, funny text messages that’ll make them want to know you better.

1) Do Not Send Open-ended Texts.
Here’s the very worst one you can send: “Hey, what’s up?” You may as well have texted: “”Would you mind coming up with something interesting to say because I’m so freakin’ boring the plaster peels off the wall when I talk to it.”

Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve had a couple of bad experiences with Grndr guys showing up at my door looking 20 years older than they are and three inches shorter than they advertised if you know what I mean. Is it bad karma to turn away a guy at your door if he totally lied about himself? Or should I be nice, let them in and let them down gently?

– Feeling Guilty

Dear Feeling Guilty:
I don’t think you have the right to turn them away. You have the obligation to do it. Don’t confuse bad karma with good sense. You should be punishing liars, not rewarding them.

Let’s face it, there are guys online who lie so much their business cards say, “Professional Liar.” These guys are counting on your horniness blurring your vision and turning their visit into a Convenience Fuck. The best way to stop these guys is to insist on lots of pictures *before* you meet them. If the pics don’t match or look suspicious, meet them in a neutral place or don’t meet them at all.
Read the rest of this entry »

I’m 24; he’s 18. The only thing that’s stopping me from falling in love is his age. I find myself constantly lying about it to my friends. Am I crazy for thinking that dating somebody that young could actually work out? He’s everything I want in a guy– he’s almost more mature than I am and has more goals and is more on his way to achieving them than I am. Yet, the age thing is always in the back of my head. Also, I’m worried that he’s only holding on because I’m his ‘first’ and to top it off, I’ve decided to move to another city and he wants to come with me. Help! What should I do?

– Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed:

Look, if God had said, “LET THERE BE LIGHT!” and you were the one who hit the switch, you might have a point about the age spread, but come on! I’ve seen bowling pins stand further than your birthdates. Why are you so hung up on his age? It’s character, not years, that defines a man.

Speaking of character, I see a giant flaw in yours. By constantly lying about his age, you’re basically telling him and the world that you’re ashamed of him, that there’s something wrong with him. How’d you like it if he lied to his friends about your age? Would you feel accepted? Loved? Trusted? Supported? Stop lying and start bragging.

As for him holding on to you because you’re his ‘first,’ so what? The world is filled with high school sweethearts who lasted a lifetime with their ‘firsts.’ I say make him a part of your relocation package. Leaving him because you’re afraid the relationship won’t work out is like leaving a job because you’re afraid you might get laid off. Read the rest of this entry »

from a reader: I know I’ve missed out on some great one-night stands, even relationships because the guys weren’t my physical type. I’ve tried but I just can’t get into smooth guys. It feels like I’m screwing a salmon. I’m always thinking, “Go easy on the lube, otherwise he’s going to pop through my fingers and land on the other side of the room!” The other night I met the perfect guy—great looks, warmth of a furnace, but there wasn’t any hair on his legs so I made some excuse and practically fled the place. I’m feeling shallow and guilty about turning down guys just because they don’t have the exact physical look that I like. How do I deal with this?

- Rough edges

Dear Rough Edges:
Don’t confuse shallowness with preference. Are you shallow because you prefer tall guys? Athletic guys? Or guys who know the difference between its and it’s?

Not only have you developed misguided guilt, you’ve also managed to develop a scarcity mentality while sitting in front of the biggest Man-Buffet ever seen. Dude, are you blind? Most guys are hairy! And half the smooth ones are faking it. They’d probably latch on to you just to cut their waxing bills.

As far as your guilt, it’s caused by letting a physical characteristic rob you of an emotional connection. That, and the hurt you see in the other guys’ eyes when you reject them. Outside of letting them down easy, you can’t do much about the other guy’s hurt, but you can do something about broadening your body-type preferences. Notice I didn’t say, “CHANGE” your preference because that’s impossible. But it is possible to expand your “body bandwidth.” Here’s how: Read the rest of this entry »