Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

Q:

I’ve been dating this cute, Cute, CUTE hottie that I’ve fallen head over heels over.  The problem is, he doesn’t feel the same way I do.  I know he likes me and wants to go out because he calls and often initiates the dates.  But it’s been 4 months now and he’s still waffling.  “I’m not sure what I’m feeling for you,” he said.  And on top of that he said, “I haven’t totally worked out my feelings about my ex or this other guy I used to be fuck-buddies with.”   Woody, how do I get this guy, who I KNOW is my soul mate, to see the light and date me exclusively?

–  Puzzled yet Pissed

Dear Puzzled:

Christ, I hate questions like this because it forces me to think.  It’s so much easier to write about giving good hand-jobs.

Look, my advice is not going to be pretty, but if you follow it I promise you’ll clamp the old ball and chain on him.  The way you get the guy is to stop trying to get him.  Nature abhors a vacuum.  If you create a space between you and him, one of two things will happen:  He’ll step forward to fill it in or he’ll step backward and make it disappear.

You create that space by doing three things: Read the rest of this entry »

Q:

I suspect I have been delusional for a long time, thinking that Mr. Right was just around the corner, and I would live some fairy tale like in the movie, An Affair to Remember, except I would actually make it to the Eiffel Tower.  I’m lonely and haven’t dated in a long time.  I turned 42 this year and I’ve internalized from our goddamned community that I’m too old.  I have been HIV positive for what feels like 100 years, and it’s really scary for me to come forward and face the inevitable rejection and abandonment that dating brings.   I also struggle with addiction and have been in recovery now for a while. I have a history of depression and I have been in countless hours of psychotherapy. In other words, I have at least attempted at reducing a bit of my baggage.  I have been in the gym for 20 years and have a great body.  On the outside you would assume everything was wonderful.  I’m a professional, close to getting a PhD, own a house, and a great car.  Some say I am a catch and some days I believe it.  I know that I’m not the only HIV positive, forty-something gay man out there that’s lonely, tired of the online bullshit, the bathhouse and the adult bookstores.  I want a little love, that’s all.  Do you think it’s too late?

–  Lonely and Depressed

Read the rest of this entry »

I saw this chick on TV recently talking about how to get a boyfriend to the altar.  She basically said getting engaged is lot like buying a new car.  She was hilarious and actually reminded me of you the way she used humor to hold facts at gunpoint.  Only point of difference being that SHE WAS FUNNY AND YOU’RE NOT.  Ha, ha, a taste of your own medicine.  Anyway, reason I’m writing is that she actually referenced you.  Do you know her personally?  And do you agree with her?  Do you really believe you can get a guy the way you’d get a car?

–  Fascinated

Dear Fascinated:

Yes, I know the happy-go-lucky, isn’t-the-world-great, I-got-a-marriage-proposal-at-the-top-of-the-Eiffel-Tower Dating Nazi.  Is there anything more annoying than a woman who’s got it all and tells you everything?

Actually, I love Lisa Daily, the “Director of Love” at Cupid.com and author of Stop Getting Dumped!  True, I rarely take her advice but I quote her often.  And really, isn’t that the best compliment a hypocrite like me could pay?

So I rang her up the other day and asked her what the hell you were blabbering about:

Mike:  What’s this shit you’re peddling that banging a guy is like buying a car?

Lisa:  You idiot.  I said, “Marrying a guy is like buying a car.”

Mike:  oh.

Lisa:  Look, if a guy in a plaid polyester suit and a bad rug can get your man to sign on the dotted line, so can you.  Well, maybe not YOU, Mike, but most people with, you know, a personality. Read the rest of this entry »

Q:

My new boyfriend smells down there.  I’ve suggested showers before sex but no go— I still have to wear a clothespin on my nose if I get anywhere near his crotch. This is going to be a real deal-breaker.  In every other way I’m so into him, but how do you have a love life without inhaling?

–  Gasping

Dear Gasping:

It’s not his odor that’s killing your sex life; it’s your silence.  The body grows accustomed to its own odors, so he most likely doesn’t know there’s a paper-peeling smell coming from his crotch.  He’s either uncircumcised and not cleaning well under the foreskin or he’s got a yeast infection.  Yes, men get them too.  It’s called Balinitis.  It occurs mostly in diabetics and uncircumcised men.  You can get it through trauma or minor injury to the foreskin and penis.  And by trauma, I don’t mean the kind where the ugly one in the 3-way whispers “save the best for me.”  I mean the kind of trauma that comes from excessive masturbation.

But mostly, male yeast infections come from bad hygiene.  To avoid that yucky yeasty feeling, wash your penis every day with soap and water.

So back to the fun part:  How to tell your partner he smells like a grease-encrusted vomit bucket.   Start the conversation by telling him how much you enjoy making love.  Christ, did I say “making love?”  I meant, FUCKING.  Then show concern and say, “Honey, I’m worried that you might have a problem down there.  You’re not smelling very, uhm, *fresh* and that’s usually a sign of an infection.”  Yes, he’ll be embarrassed but then he’ll be grateful.  What man wouldn’t trade a few minutes of embarrassment for a lifetime of great oral?

Q:

I read your answer to “smelly” (how to tell your new boyfriend his crotch smells like a grease-encrusted vomit bucket).  Loved your answer but wanted to add a different dimension to the problem.  I’m one of those guys who smell down there because I sweat so much.  It’s very embarrassing.  It doesn’t take much to soak my shirt.  I could be in a mildly warm bar and sweat like I’m a whore in church.  Any advice for people like me?

–  Spikot

Dear Spikot:

Well, you’re not alone.  About 8 million Americans — almost 3% of the population — suffers from excessive sweating.  It’s called hyperhidrosis, a condition that causes excessive sweating in your pits, face, feet, hands and groin.

It’s not unusual for somebody with hyperhidrosis to sweat through a T-shirt, shirt and jacket even when they’re in a cool room.  Some guys only wear black because it’s the one color that doesn’t show stains under the arms.  And even though they’re not drag queens, some guys bring different outfits to change into throughout the day. Listen, we’ve all met people like you.  We hate shaking your hand. Read the rest of this entry »

You met the love of your life. (Again) Time to text. But what?

“How are you?”

“Nice to meet you?”

Yes, show them you have the personality of a Kansas zip code.

You start typing and … BRAIN FART! You can’t think of anything clever! You’re as nervous as Paris Hilton on Jeopardy. You’re shaking like a martini. You get “texter’s block.” You don’t know what to do.

Relax, here are my top ten flirty text messages you can send to your future ex-wife or husband. Not all of these funny text messages are instant, out-of-the-box, copy-paste-and-send creatures–you’ll have to modify them to your situation. But even if you can’t use them as is (or at all) they’ll help ignite ideas.

Whether you’re texting a girl or a guy, always be mindful of how they’re feeling about you. At the risk of stating the obvious, you shouldn’t send a flirty text to somebody who’s demonstrably lukewarm to you. They’ll shut you down faster than a unionized WalMart.

The 10 best flirty texts below are taken from my private collection (yes, I collect them the way other people collect stamps) and they’re intended for people who are so hot for you they can hear the hiss when they think of you.

1. You: Stop!

Likely Reply: Stop what?

You: Stop thinking about me. See, you’re doing it. . right. . . now.

2. I could drink a case of you and still be on my feet.

3. You: 192y – (62*84) = 12x + 45y solve for x and then graph

Likely Reply: ???

You: You make me harder than algebra.

4. You’re so beautiful that last night you made me forget my pickup line.

5. I’ve never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them.

6. I think we should just be friends with sexual tension.

7. Whenever I see you I feel like a dog dying to get out of the car.

8. If I’d have held you any closer I’d be in back of you.

9. I wish I were on Facebook so I could poke you.

10. I want you like JFK wanted a car with a roof.

Q:

I’m 20, been out for almost five years now and I’ve never had a boyfriend.  Yes, I’ve had plenty of hookups, but I’m so over it.  They’re just not satisfying anymore, especially when they aren’t there to do it again the next night!  HA HA.  I know I’m never going to be in People magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People” but I don’t think I’m fugs either.  I’m 6’2, 220lbs, 34 waist, and go to the gym regularly.   Maybe I’m a hypochondriac creating male-to-male dating disorders for myself, but I’d really like to know why I’ve never been asked out, or even approached by a guy at a club, or anywhere else for that matter.  Help!

–  Single & tired of it

Dear Single:

Dude, you’re five inches taller and fifty-eight pounds heavier than most men!  At 5’9” and 162 pounds, the average guy is going to take one look at you and think he wandered into the set of Jurassic Park.

In the animal world, if something is bigger than you are, it’s probably going to eat you.  And it’s going to use a lot of teeth, no matter how much you complain.   Same applies to the social world.  Bigger men are physically intimidating.   Try approaching somebody who’s way bigger than you are and tell me how easy it is.

Read the rest of this entry »

SAME QUESTION ASKED THREE DIFFERENT WAYS.  Oy vey!

I recently read your response to “Tired,” a man who was confused by his friend labeling himself as bisexual when, according to “Tired,” his friend was, in fact, gay.  I found your response disrespectful to “Tired’s” friend and disgustingly biphobic.  What right do you or “Tired” think you have to determine his friend’s sexual orientation or question his self-label?

–  buh-bi

HI, MIKE
Yet another gay or straight “expert” pronounces that bisexual people don’t exist.  Or at the very least, that bisexual men don’t exist.  It’s very funny to us in the bi community whenever we hear this pronouncement.  In fact, in my bisexual discussion group that has been running for over 12 years, we are always complaining there are too many guys.  Why are you monosexuals so freaked out that some people can actually love and lust after people of more than one gender?
–  buh-bi 2

Hey Mike!

In response to your advice given in “Bye, Bi Myth” I have to say that you are surely entitled to your opinion, and I appreciate that you do at least label your opinion as opinion.  But, your article is still very disappointing.  Had you clicked a couple more links while researching the NY Times article you would have seen responses from GLADD, the HRC, and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force condemning the article.

–  buh-bi 3

Hey, mike!

The study you quoted involving the penis sensors has been peer reviewed as being faulty. Having taken courses in psychological statistics, I know that creating and running an accurate research study is difficult at best.  To deny someone’s sexuality whom you have never met is something I find reprehensible.  There is a reason that second-hand information is not allowed as legal testimony in a court case. There is enough bias from the straight community without getting it from the gay and lesbian community too.

– buh-bi 4

Dear buh-bi’s:

My last column gave the unfortunate impression that I was a “bisexual denier.”  For that I apologize.  I absolutely believe bisexuality in men exists.  Hell, I had a boyfriend who started dating women after he broke up with me!

Still, I’m sticking to the essence of what I said in the previous column:  Bisexuality is rare in men.  But before you start jamming the comment line again, realize that if “rare” is even one half of one percent, that’s still millions of people when you consider the world’s population.

The truth is Read the rest of this entry »

QUESTION:

I was on Manhunt, the hookup site when I hit on a size queen.  Please read my transcript—I’ve got some questions!

Me: Dude, you are SO my type.  Let’s hook up.

Uinmymouth.cum: How big?

Me: Come over and measure it.

Uinmymouth: LOL.

Me: Come on, man, we live in the same neighborhood.  Let’s hook up.

Uinmymouth: Cool, but how big are you?

Me: Never measured myself.

Uinmymouth: Well, you must have some idea.

Me: Why are you asking me something I could so easily lie about?  I could tell you 9 inches and how would you know until you unzipped my pants?

Uinmymouth: You’re right and if you’re not WELL above average I would leave—so don’t waste your time if you’re small or average.

Me: Wow.  So, even though you think I’m hot and even if there’s great chemistry when we meet you’re out the door if I unzip and turn out to be average?  Or even bigger than average but not WELL above average?

Uinmymouth: Yep.  Might as well be honest—that’s why I asked.

Me: It’s honest; I’ll give you that.

Uinmymouth: ;>)

Me: And you, pray tell, must have at least 8 inches, right?  Otherwise, you’re going to be very embarrassed when I unzip you.

Uinmymouth: Yes, it’s honest.  And I’m bigger than 8 inches, btw. Read the rest of this entry »

QUESTION:

I have so much better luck meeting guys online than offline that I’ve completely given up going to bars.  I’m 48, very healthy, active, good looking, and blessed to look 35.

Here’s my problem:  When I put with my true age on my profile I get no responses.  Absolutely zero.  It doesn’t matter if it’s Manhunt (my favorite) or gay.com (my least favorite) or all the other ones in between.  If I lie and place the exact same words and pictures (only this time saying I’m 35), I get lots of responses.  LOTS.  It’s the exact same me…only the real me gets zip and the dishonest me gets plenty.  I’m at a loss as to how to proceed.  Even people my own age don’t respond to my 48 year-old ads, but they respond to my 35-year-old ads.  I think the whole gay community is fucked up.

I don’t believe in being dishonest.  I don’t want to start a relationship where the first thing I say is a lie.  I don’t even want a one night stand if I have to be dishonest to get it.  But I also don’t want to be without sex for extended periods of time.  What should I do?

–  Truth or Dare?

Dear Truth:

Dude, I dedicated my first book to a friend for “teaching me how to lie about my age.”  If you think I’m going to tell you to grow a moral spine, you got the wrong guy.

The thing is, I understand your dilemma.  Gay men have a phobia about age.  Whatever you say after forty they hear as a communicable disease.  So if you say “I’m forty-three” they hear “forty-leprosy.”  They’re more afraid of catching age than AIDS.

So here’s my advice: Lie.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m advising you to lie.  It’s an indispensable tool for living.   You literally could not function in this world without lying.  Check out Jim Carrey’s movie, “Liar, Liar” if you want to see how constantly telling the truth can ruin your life.

All lies are not created equal.  Some are harmless, some are harmful.  Learn the difference. You’ve equated lying about your age with, say, lying about Read the rest of this entry »