– Online Onlooker

Dear Onlooker:
Well, they’re either that stupid or the cheating boyfriends are that cunning. I’m a smart guy and I’ve been hoodwinked once or twice by a stud or two. I swear, this one guy, he was such a cheatin’ man, when I kissed him I had to count my teeth.

Today’s technology gives Men Behaving Badly a new way to misbehave. With GrindR and Manhunt’s mobile service, boyfriends can REALLY stray under the radar.

Technology always has a good side/bad side aspect to it. The Good: Single guys don’t have to be chained to their computer to meet guys online. The Bad: Married guys don’t have to be, either.

But, uhm, what if you want trouble?

Here’s the full story:

The Players: Manhunt, a gay dating site founded in 2001 with over 6.5 million members and their new, racy, gay billboards; Kelly Cole, co-president of the Valley View elementary PTA who thinks those ads are too racy and gay.

The Opening Serve: Manhunt’s recent ad campaign for the location-based dating app has hit billboards in Los Angeles.  “Zero Feet Away” is the tagline, and it features two, shirtless, almost-kissing men. Manhunt says that the ad sparked dozens of complaints which began pouring into its Massachusetts headquarters, but one mom blogger pushed their ads to national attention. “I never thought this would be me: A liberal feminist complaining about a sex-positive, homosexual billboard. Like that would ever happen,” begins Cole, a co-president of the Valley View Elementary PTA. “You try explaining the “Zero feet away MANHUNT MOBILE” phone application to your 9-year-old son. A 9-year-old who loves Army guys, and so noticed the dog tags right away.”  She explains it’s not the “blatant porniness” or that the ad is gay-focused which bothers her:

For more:  click here.

– Ain’t Sure

Dear Ain’t:
About 20 years ago a major sex study showed that women in lesbian relationships had significantly less sex than women in heterosexual ones. Since then, lesbians have been the victims of drive-by “lesbian bed death” jokes. Like, what do you call it when you’re paralyzed from the waist down? A lesbian relationship.

The study’s findings may have been true 20 years ago but I doubt it holds any juices today. That’s because the forces in society that discouraged women from having sex are waning. For example, women have always been conditioned to be the passive recipient to sexual advances. What do you think would happen to the frequency of sex if both partners were conditioned *not* to initiate sex? A whole lot of nothin’, that’s what.

Then there’s the “urge to merge” theory of lesbian bed death. Since women are far more likely to emphasize intimacy over sexuality and nurturing over scoring, they can inadvertently create as one psychologist studying lesbian relationships put it, “a relational greenhouse effect which suffocates passion.”

There have been no scientifically sound surveys done on lesbian bed death in the past few years. My guess is that lesbians have less sex than their hetero counterparts but not enough to justify the “bed death” label. You can’t escape the fact that the top two female sexual disorders are Hypoactive Sexual disorder (little to no libido) and Sexual Arousal Disorder (low sensation—your mind wants it but your body doesn’t). So it makes sense that lesbian couples are likely to have less sex than mixed-gender couples.

As far as gay bed death, PUH-LEASE. We can’t stay in one bed long enough to take a survey.

This is more of a comment than a question.  My new boyfriend doesn’t have nearly as good a body as my old boyfriend but he’s SO confident in his body that he actually turns me on more!  Who knew that confidence could literally change the way you perceive someone’s body?

–  Glowing and Growing

Dear Glowing:

‘Body Confidence’ produces a cascade of heat-raising turn-ons.  It challenges all the senses, making sex fire on all cylinders.  Your boyfriend’s confidence improves his posture, making him stand straighter with shoulders back, and chest pushed forward, giving you a ‘boon with a view.’   Body confident guys are also more likely to spring a few surprises, heightening anticipation and completely changing the way you perceive their bodies.  The search for aphrodisiacs is over.  Bury the herbs and grow the confidence!

My boyfriend and I are planning a trip to spend time with our parents.   It sounds pretty normal but the thing of it is as soon as we get into bed I want to jump him like an animal.  I don’t know if it’s the sneaking around or the “I’m so bad” part of doing it at our parents’ house, but it has been the best sex we’ve ever had.  My boyfriend’s not as in to it as I am.  I have actually had to force him to do it a couple times but once he gets into it it’s amazing.  How can I get him past his inhibitions so we can get down to business?

–  Father complex

Dear Father complex:

If you want him to drop his drawers you have to raise some issues.  Like how not to get caught.  Talk to him about soundproofing your parent’s guest bedroom.   Here are a few tips to keep the nosiest parents at bay:

• Use a towel to “weather-strip” the bottom of the door
• Bring a portable CD and place it right behind the door.  If the bed squeaks a lot play Britney.  If he moans a lot, play Barry White.
• Put a chair under the doorknob if they don’t have a lock
• And if they have especially thin walls, run the shower (they’ll hear the water running in the pipes, camouflaging your naughty sounds)

Of course, I’d also consider the time-tested, zipper-opening strategy called liquor.  It wipes away inhibitions like a washcloth.  One or two beers and you’ll be under his belt in no time.  Be cautious, though.  Alcohol can lower inhibitions but it can also lower performance.

The point is to address his concerns.  You take care of his worry and he’ll take care of your obsession.  Once he realizes you’ve practically eliminated the chance of parental humiliation the only time you’re going to hear him say, “Don’t” is right before he says, “Stop.”

Hey woody!

I’m a student in my middle 20`s and in love with one of my teachers. One day I just blurted out my feelings for him.  He blushed, got real nervous and said, “I don’t know what to say.”  Now, I KNOW he’s attracted to me because of the way he looks at me, yet he won’t make a move.  What can I do to date him?  He won’t ask me out and I don’t have the nerve to ask him.

–  Mooning

Dear Mooning:

First, find out what the school’s policy is about teachers dating their students.  Some schools have a flat-out NO WAY I DON’T CARE HOW CUTE OR HUNG HE IS policy.  Others may not.   There are obvious ethical considerations about teachers dating their students, even if the student is an adult.  Because the teacher is in a power position (students shouldn’t be put in a “fuck or flunk” position) the possibility of exploitation is always there.

If I were him I’d run the other way. What if he dated and dumped you and then faced a sexual harassment charge because you, like most of my readers, are a bitter queen intent on ruining innocent lives?

That’s why it’s a no-win situation and schools go to great lengths to discourage teacher-student relations.  Personally, I think it’s a *BAD* idea for you to pursue this.  But knowing human nature, that ain’t going to stop you.  So if you really want to do something about it, talk to a school counselor and tell them your situation (for God’s sakes, don’t tell them who the teacher is!).  They’ll know the school’s policy and help counsel you.

Every time I go out to the bars with a friend of mine –and we’ve never been anything but, he acts and treats me like his boyfriend.  He holds my arms like I am his.  He stands really, *really* close to me.  Guys ask me all the time if he’s my boyfriend.  I tell them no.  Some guys just assume that he is.  What makes this situation a little more embarrassing is my friend is 15 years older than I am.  So guys not only think he is my boyfriend but they think he is my sugar daddy.  That’s why I always tell him not to buy me any drinks.  I don’t want to look like his boyfriend or worse, his *”boy.”*

There is another irritating thing about this situation.  When he sees a possible trick, he acts like I would prefer him to act around me…like a friend.  He’ll even tell me to go walk around and leave him until he gets his guy.

I like hanging out with him but how should I approach the subject so I don’t hurt his feelings or crush his self-esteem?

–  Killing my Groove

Dear Killing:

He’s using you like my editor uses this rag to sell ads.  He waves the articles to bait the audience to sell space in his publication.  Your friend waves you around to bait his audience to sell space in his pants.

He’s trying to look popular and desirable by making people think he’s got a young, good-looking thing glommed on to him.  When he needs you to serve his purpose he gives you the royal treatment.  When you’ve served your purpose he kicks you to the curb.  Some friend.

He’s using you to get laid.  That, of course, is admirable, but only if it’s reciprocal.

Here’s my advice:   Talk to him honestly about this.  I’d use the royal “we” when you do.  As in, “You know, almost everyone thinks we’re boyfriends and it’s messin’ with my mojo.   I finally figured it out—we’re standing too close to each other and sometimes we touch like we’re lovers.  See how we’re standing three inches away from each other while other friends in the bar are standing a foot away from each other?  Let’s try doing that so guys won’t be afraid to approach me.”

And then step a foot away from him and change the subject.  If he moves in or touches you like a lover just gently call him on it.  Say:  “Oh, we’re doing it again,” and step away.

One more thing.  That business of refusing to let him buy you drinks?  Get over it.   If someone offers you free alcohol you do what I do:  You accept, order the premium brands and make sure it’s a double.

I’ve been with my lover for 10 years.  Recently I found out he’s been having sex with his male first cousin who is HIV Positive.  He’s gotten Chlamydia in the throat and anus and takes an oral –and anal–form of Mycelex.  I love him with all my heart but he is now starting to get hostile with me since I confronted him about it and expressed worry that I’m going to get HIV from him.   Is there any help for people like me who are co-dependent and in love?  Is this normal for two first cousins who are gay to have sex?  I am confused and hurt.

–  Don’t Know Anymore

Dear Don’t Know:

I just want to make sure I have this straight. He puts you in danger of contracting a possibly fatal disease and shows no concern for your health?

Wow, it must really hurt to have your lover wipe his feet on you every time he walks in the door.  Isn’t the ‘Welcome’ sign wearing out from all the shoe leather?

You need to go from doormat to doorman.  Instead of welcoming him in you need to keep him out.  I’m all for forgiveness and giving people another chance but your jerk boyfriend is acting like a guy suing the police for catching him in the act of robbing bank.  He owes you explanations, not hostility.  He owes you apologies, not indifference.

Cheating on you makes him a shit.  Cheating with a first cousin makes him a morally bankrupt shit.  Demonstrating no concern for your health makes him a degenerate, morally bankrupt shit.  This is the man you’re in love with?  This is the man you want to patch things up with?  Dude, you’ve got a bigger problem than him:  You.

My advice?  Run; don’t walk, to the nearest therapist.  Your objectives, and in this order, are:

1.  Help in leaving him

2.  Help in figuring out why you think so little of yourself that you’d put up with this kind of shit (you found out about *this* travesty; I can’t imagine what he’s done that you haven’t found out about).

3.  Help in making sure that you never play the role of emotional masochist in future relationships.

Good luck, and please give your partner my heartiest “Fuck You.”

My boyfriend and I sleep in separate beds.  Most of my friends think this is weird and predict our relationship is doomed.  Do you think it’s true?  They’re saying we don’t really love each other.

–  Sleeping Soundly

Well, it all depends on why you’re not sleeping together.  If it’s because he smells like road kill or because you’re banishing him to the couch for screwing the pool boy AGAIN, then, yeah, you’ll probably break up.  But there are lots of happy couples that don’t sleep together.  According to the National Sleep Foundation, 25% of couples don’t share their mattresses.  You can have a great relationship in bed without actually sleeping in it.  “Separately-bedroomed” couples usually go to bed together, have sex, cuddle, talk, fantasize about the new guy at the gym—you know, the usual things gay couples talk about—and then one partner gets up and sleeps in another bedroom.

When they wake up, one gets out of his bed and climbs onto the other one’s to cuddle, have sex and talk about the new guy at the gym.

Why do some couples sleep separately?  Usually one partner snores too loudly, likes a wildly different room temperature, or simply gets more restful sleep when they’re alone.  Unless you know why a couple is sleeping separately you shouldn’t rush to judgment.  That’s my job.

I’m a big believer in “reading” signs.  Sometimes what looks to be a good sign turns bad and vice versa.  What do you think are the most common misinterpreted signs between gay couples?

–  Signologist

Dear Signologist:

Here are my top three misperceived “bad signs”:

1. Your partner no longer gets dressed up for dates anymore.

Most guys think he’s lost interest.   I say he’s lost his will to shop.  Or, more likely, he’s showing how comfortable he is around you.  You dress up to impress.  You dress down to decompress.  What bigger compliment can you get than to have someone say, “That I’m with you is more important than what’s on me.”

2. You don’t have sex every time you spend the night together.

Don’t confuse the height of the flame with the depth of the heat.  The path towards intimacy starts with lust’s migration to love.  Daily sex is not a pre-requisite to achieving a fully realized relationship.

3. Your partner doesn’t always offer to cover the check (if he once did).

Why should he always be the dinner table’s ATM?  He’s chafing at the rigid role of provider. He’s looking for a little equality, which has the unfortunate consequence of thinning your wallet.

Now, here are my top 3 “good signs” that have the potential to bust your lust:

1. Your partner drops the “L” word very early in your relationship.

Run!  His moving vans are on a state of high alert.  Courtships can be intense but they do follow a general time-line.  If he’s saying the “L” word much before the 6 month period, he’s not seeing you as much as the ring he wants on his finger.

2. Your partner wants to go EVERYWHERE with you, even when you’re spending quality time with friends.

Barnacles are for ordinary ships, not relationships. Jealousy, loneliness, and fear propel lovers to attach themselves inappropriately.  A relationship needs room to breathe and he’s sucking all the oxygen out of the room.

3. Your partner is always complimenting your appearance.

Actually, I lied.  This is a good sign no matter what.  You should be more worried when the compliments stop than when they won’t stop.  That he’s expressing praise and approval on a consistent basis means you continually capture his attention and admiration.