A Third Wheel In Bed Can Make You Feel Like A Second Banana.
From a reader: My boyfriend of only a few weeks has expressed interest in threesomes since Day One. Its not like he comes out and says it, but its obvious he’s curious about it. I’ve expressed my dislike but I don’t want to push him away. My problem with the three-way thing is the “third wheel” phenomenon where someone almost always ends up feeling like they’re not part of the bicycle. How do I talk to my boyfriend about my concerns without scaring him off?
–Third wheel fears.
Dear Third Wheel:
Math problems tend to illuminate most relationship problems, so do a quick one for me. You’re driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. Now what was the name of the bus driver?
Stick to positive comments. Nobody wants to date cynical, bitter people–that’s what friends are for.
From a reader: First off, I’d like to congratulate you for being such a medically correct funny, heartless gay bastard. I like your column so much I went out to buy your queer-ass ebooks. But I digress… I have to sound off! I think gay dating has gone stale for me and I’m in dire need of help. I find myself asking the same boring questions, like, “When did you come out, are you out to your family, what do you do, or secretly, WHEN are you gonna do me?” I desperately need some conversation starters. How can I get to know someone without sounding like a scratched record?
– Hate repeating repeating myself
Dear Repeating Repeating:
The answer is to cut the canned crap and talk about what happened the day of your date—what you saw, experienced or felt. And stick to positive comments. Nobody wants to date cynical, bitter people–that’s what friends are for.
If you’re too nervous to wing it then remember a few fun-to-answer questions. For example: Bring up the X-men movies and ask, “Whose power would you rather have—Storm or Wolverine’s?” It’s just a version of the classic question, “Would you rather be able to fly like Superman or be invisible?”
Which gestures, expressions and postures make you more appealing and approachable? This video shows how even the most subtle body language can have an enormous emotional impact on how guys perceive you.
Manhunt (“Dick Central”) is letting non-members see your profile and pictures. Does this mean your employer can Google you and see that beaver shot you posed with? Yes, says Queerty, my fave gay website. No, says Manhunt, my fave gay dating site.
Both make excellent points. Decide for yourself here.
You have the obligation to be kind and the right to say “Scram!”
From a reader: Whenever I’m online I’m always being hit on guys old enough to be my father. I’m 24 but all the guys who leave me messages are like in their late 30s or 40s. I like guys around my age or a little younger. Is there anyway I can attract younger guys and tell older guys I am not remotely interested without being rude?
–Young for fun
Dear Young,
Thanks for at least wanting to be nice about it. I’ve actually seen a profile that said, “Please don’t email me if you were the one who hit the switch when God said, ‘Let there be light!’”
Actually, that’s kinda funny; you might want to use that. No, seriously, here’s what you say: “Strictly into guys my age (24) or younger, no exceptions. Thanks for respecting my preferences.”
And if you still keep getting emails from older guys? Delete, delete, delete. You don’t owe anybody a response if they’ve contacted you after you’ve asked them not to.
Why do so many effeminate gay men prefer in their partners the very masculinity they’ve bleached out of themselves?
The obvious answer is that they’re attracted to their opposites. But that answer only goes so far. Effeminate men may lust for their masculine counterparts but most masculine men don’t return the favor.
Effeminate men get hoisted on their own chiffon petards. The more they take on effeminate characteristics the less able they are to attract the kinds of guys they want to sleep with. This is a mating absurdity.
Imagine birds trying to attract mates with red and white plumage when the objects of their affection are attracted to yellow and green.
The mis-matched mating call of the merry marys brings up a great question: If effeminacy is counter-productive to attracting the kind of sexual partners you want, then why not butch it up? Read the rest of this entry »
Ab-loaded Peter Le is the toast of K-Town, the Asian-American version of MTV’s The Jersey Shore.
He also did some, er, self-service porn and refuses to label his sexuality. A gay dating phenom is born. Perhaps he should be known as The SituGaysian?
If you can’t meet Mr. Right, you need new goals. Yours are killing you.
You can’t meet Mr. Right (Or Mr. Right Now) if you’re riddled with a fear of rejection. Approach anxiety –the fear of starting a conversation with an attractive stranger–gets triggered by unreasonable goals. For example, telling yourself you need to go to the other side of the bar and pick up that hottie in the corner is about the most unreasonable goal you can come up with. You can’t expect to get to the top of Mt. Hottie without first setting up base camp.
That’s why you’ve got to set reasonable goals. “Meet a quality guy,” “Sleep with a hot man” or “get a husband” may be things you want, but they don’t qualify as reasonable goals. You can’t get there from where you are. You’d get better results–and faster ones–if you had goals that weren’t tied to outcomes. So here’s a stellar gay tip– From now on, your main objective is: Read the rest of this entry »
Bilerico.com lists where the hot go to trot. I agree with the stores, but not the order. Starbucks at #8? Puh-leeze.
#10 – Pier 1
This home interior standard has been the spot to find up twinks and the butch-challenged for years. Not only can you find gay guys easily at Pier 1, but you can pick up a scented candle for ambiance.
#9 – Borders
Nothing is as sexy as a man who knows his letters – unless he’s picking out self-help books like, “How to Cut the Apron Strings: Letting Go of Mom.” Plus, you can ask him if he’d like to grab some coffee without ever leaving the store!
#8 – Starbucks
Speaking of grabbing coffee, you’ll find plenty of gay men at the local Starbucks. The mammoth chain always has at least one queer barista per store and a baker’s dozen online at the tables. If you see the apple of your eye cruising Manhunt, invite him to munch your muffin.
Most guys can’t get themselves to talk to a guy they’re attracted to because of something called Approach Anxiety–the fear of starting a conversation with an attractive stranger. A lot of the fear comes from setting unreasonable goals. For example, telling yourself you need to go to the other side of the bar and pick up that hottie in the corner is about the most unreasonable goal you can come up with. Why? Because you’re not ready. You can’t expect to get to the top of Mt. Hottie without so much as setting up base camp and sharpening your climbing skills.
That’s why you’ve got to set attainable goals. “Meet a quality guy,” “Sleep with a hot man” or “get a husband” may be things you want, but they don’t qualify as reasonable goals. You can’t get there from where you are. You’d get better results–and faster ones–if you had goals that weren’t tied to outcomes. So here’s a stellar gay tip: From now on, when you go out, your main objective is to: Read the rest of this entry »
