Mike Alvear’s Urge & Merge

Straight women aren’t the only people who can’t seem to meet the right guy. Gay men can’t seem to either. The difference is that women aren’t “allowed” to approach men while gay men are expected to. And this sets up what psychologists call “Approach Anxiety” — the fear of initiating contact with a good looking stranger.

It goes something like this: You see a beautiful guy at a gay bar or a party and you want to meet him in the worst way. But fear matches your desire. Doubt sets in. Alarms go off. The fantasy of being with him draws you in but the thought of actually saying something to him scares you to death.

Approach anxiety and conversational skill deficiencies feed on each other. If you knew exactly what to say and how to say it, your approach anxiety would melt like I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

But there’s an even bigger reason that approach anxiety rears its ugly head and keeps gay men from connecting with the kind of guys they want to date (especially in gay bars): Believing that good looking strangers are something they’re not.

Most of us see an attractive guy as a goal–something we want to, ahem, achieve. But if he’s a goal, taking the chance of approaching him has only two possible outcomes: Leave with him in your arms or your tail between your legs.

The thing about goals is that you either achieve them or you don’t. You win or lose, it’s black and white, sink or swim. Actually, it’s worse. When your goal is love, sex or both, it feels more like Live or Die. You either get validated by a beautiful guy or die of embarrassment from trying to talk to him. That’s a pretty high price for what amounts to saying hello. And it’s what makes gay nightlife turn into gay frightlife.

So what’s the secret to overcoming your fear of rejection? It’s coming to a profound realization about every good looking guy: Read the rest of this entry »

Many of us have done The Recycling thing. You’re in the midst of a dating drought, or need to get laid, and you start sifting through your address book or searching for people on Facebook. The plan is to send them a “Hey! How’ve you been?” email. Of course, you have an agenda. You’re not REALLY all that interested in catching up. Dropping him or her a line out of the blue and then ending the note with “Want to get together?” is just too obvious. You might as well just come out and say, “Listen, I have nothing else to do and could use a blow job…or a date to focus on and be excited about because Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m all weepy and sad.” Read the rest of this entry »

How much more sex would you have?

How many more dates?

How many more relationships?

I’ve struggled with those questions for years. Gay nightlife turned into gay frightlife as soon as I’d see somebody I was attracted to. It was never a problem if he looked back or gave me some sign of interest, but if he didn’t? Forget it. Feet-cement-floor.

In a lot of ways I wanted to write this ebook for myself. I wanted to get more confidence in talking to attractive guys. I wanted to know what to say and how to say it. But how? It’s not like there’s anything written about the rules of attraction for gay men. Most people assume we don’t have any trouble meeting other gay men. And the truth is we don’t. Unless we’re attracted to them. Then, feet-cement-floor.

We’re as tongue-tied and scared as straight guys are when they see a beautiful woman. The difference is that straight guys have a TON of information on how to meet and attract women. So, I figured, well if nobody else is going to fill the void, I will.

And so I did.

I spent six months researching this book. I interviewed guys who were so good at meeting guys they could talk to a wall and pick up the plaster. I spoke with psychologists and sociologists about concepts like “Social Proof” and “Assuming Rapport,” and how they help people connect. I checked out the straight seduction gurus, kept what fit (a lot) and threw out what didn’t (more than a lot).

If you’ve ever been to a gay party and not known how to approach a guy, if Gay Dating seems more like Gay Waiting, then this is the ebook for you. It will eliminate your fear of rejection and give you rejection-proof icebreakers you can use to meet the man of the moment or the man of your dreams.

But truthfully, there’s a better reason to download the guide. As I worked my own program I realized the tools and techniques that I put together didn’t just help me meet higher quality men, they helped me become a better person. That’s because the only way get people interested is to become more interesting. And the only way to get inside of someone else is to think OUTSIDE of yourself.

I’m proud to say that writing this ebook helped me do that. And I’m certain reading it will do it for you.

click here to find out more about Meet The Hottie In The Corner–The 21 Day Plan To Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get.

Dear Sexorcist:

– Crushed in Decatur

Dear Crushed:
Most online dating injuries occur when people like you fall from their desperation onto their IQ. For all you know, “she” was a 16 year old boy telling his friends, “watch this” whenever you got online. You want closure? The better question is, “how can I reverse my lobotomy?”

It may be too late for you but maybe I can warn off all the other pre-lobotomites. While I’m a big fan of online dating/hookups it’s got a few sinkholes that’ll swallow you whole if you don’t pay attention.

First, nobody’s real until you meet them. If you..

Read the rest, bitch….

Annie Hall is the only comedy that’s ever won an Oscar for best movie of the year. It ends with a joke that reveals EVERYTHING. Woody Allen’s character, in trying to explain why he keeps trying to have relationships even though none of them have ever worked, tells this joke (I’m paraphrasing):

Man goes to a psychiatrist: “Doc, I don’t know what to do. My brother is out of his mind. He thinks he’s a chicken!”

Psychiatrist: “Why don’t you have him committed?”

Man: “I would, except I need the eggs.”

Allen goes on to say, “Why do we keep longing for relationships when they make you crazy? I guess because we need the eggs.”

Here’s a 3 minute Hollywood video ode to LERVE. To those of you who have it, fuck you. To those of you who don’t, the back of the line is over there–behind me. And to those who are dangerously close to getting it, CONGRATULATIONS!

Kelly Kreth on…WTF!?!!I recently had a life altering interaction with someone who seemingly has no conscience. As a result I became fascinated with what kinds of people “sociopaths” are and how those around them are affected by their behavior. Since it was unsafe to continue to interact with the person in my real life whom I believed to be one, I decided to write to very famous inmates—all safely serving life sentences without hope of parole or who are on Death Row—who have been classified, at least in the press, as being sociopaths.

What better way to learn about their motivations and inner workings than to form a personal relationship with them knowing they will always be safely behind bars? The collected writings, which I call Letters from the Inside, chronicle what they have to say about their crimes, interests, and the prison experience. It gives readers an exclusive look into their thoughts in their own words. Read the rest of this entry »

Sex. Money.  In one way or another, these things manage to dominate much of our adult lives.  So what happens when we apply economic theory to male/female relationships?

The laws of supply and demand claim that the greater the demand and the more scarce the supply of an item, the greater the cost. The producer names the tune and the consumer has got to dance. Apply this theory to sexual relationships and you get some interesting scenarios. You like sex and you’re a straight man? You must deal with a woman; they have the market absolutely cornered.

As a consumer this is a terrifying thought. Once the producer realizes that the supply can be obtained thru no other source, they could potentially set the price so astronomically high as to make it essentially unobtainable. Obviously we are not speaking about prostitution: the ‘price’ in this case simply becomes the minimum standard a woman is willing to accept in a man she chooses to be intimate with: his level of education and financial success, his attractiveness and personal grooming, his manners, conversational skill, charm, charisma, sexual prowess, his ability to be monogamous. If this theory were true, and women realized it, they could and should, run the world.

So why don’t they? Read the rest of this entry »

With the resurgence of the ’stache–never has it been so popular since Reynolds and Selleck–and popularity of the hipster beard, I’m finding myself (maybe you are too) in some hairy kissing situations lately. Some find the bushel (of hair) leading to a peck. Others find it a kissing deterrent.

Years ago, in college, I had a classmate named Brian. Brian was an English major too and was a talented writer. As with many talented writers he was also out of his mind. I tended to attract those sorts, back then–and even now–and we became friends. He had a crush on me, but I always had a boyfriend through those years so there was no chance for him. He also seemed too volatile for me and while it was fun visiting the zoo at times and even reaching in and trying to feed the beast, I did not want to live there. Read the rest of this entry »

It was just after midnight and we were curled up on her sofa, making out like teenagers. The first date had gone unusually well; hours of scintillating conversation, intermingled with blatant sexual innuendo, had led to a cab outside her home. When I asked if she intended to ‘invite me up for coffee’, she rolled her eyes. ‘I know exactly what kind of “coffee” you want.’

‘I like my coffee like I like my women’ I replied. ‘Dark, and just slightly bitter. Like you.’

In the flickering candlelight of her tiny living room, hands, mouths and lips were moving in synchronous motion. She was astride me, her bra vanished, and I was flicking counter-clockwise circles with the tip of my tongue around her perfectly formed, eraser-tip nipples, when I deftly slid my fingers into her jeans and down the crack of her ass. She paused.

‘I don’t think we should, tonight’ she heaved. ‘After all, it’s only our first date.’

I cradled her face in my hands. ‘We don’t have to. You’re the woman; you have the right to say no at any time. But we are adults. We’re here. We’re worked up. What is accomplished by sending me home all hot and bothered? I’m going to walk out the door and one of two things is going to happen: either we’re both going to go masturbate alone, or you’re going to masturbate and I’m going to go make a phone call. It’s up to you.’

Several hours and broken pieces of furniture later, we both agreed we’d come, to the right conclusion.

I’m always amazed in this day and age when I encounter women who choose to postpone sex with a man they think has relationship potential, either because they think they won’t be taken seriously if they sleep with a man on the first date, or out of some antiquated notion that unless you make us work for it, we won’t appreciate it.

I’m here to call bullshit on both. Read the rest of this entry »