STEP 1: Conquer Hot Guy Phobia.
Here’s how.
Straight women aren’t the only people who can’t seem to meet the right guy. Gay men can’t seem to either. The difference is that women aren’t “allowed” to approach men while gay men are expected to. And this sets up what psychologists call “Approach Anxiety” — the fear of initiating contact with a good looking stranger.
It goes something like this: You see a beautiful guy at a gay bar or a party and you want to meet him in the worst way. But fear matches your desire. Doubt sets in. Alarms go off. The fantasy of being with him draws you in but the thought of actually saying something to him scares you to death.
Approach anxiety and conversational skill deficiencies feed on each other. If you knew exactly what to say and how to say it, your approach anxiety would melt like I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
But there’s an even bigger reason that approach anxiety rears its ugly head and keeps gay men from connecting with the kind of guys they want to date (especially in gay bars): Believing that good looking strangers are something they’re not.
Have more sex, get more dates, or find a husband with this step-by-step manual that shows you how to approach, meet and attract beautiful gay men. From getting rid of fear of rejection to knowing exactly how to start a conversation, this is the ultimate gay dating blueprint. With glowing reviews from The Huffing Post (“A sensational way of meeting gay men!”) no wonder it’s the #1 best selling gay dating ebook in the U.S.
Most of us see an attractive guy as a goal–something we want to, ahem, achieve. But if he’s a goal, taking the chance of approaching him has only two possible outcomes: Leave with him in your arms or your tail between your legs.
The thing about goals is that you either achieve them or you don’t. You win or lose, it’s black and white, sink or swim. Actually, it’s worse. When your goal is love, sex or both, it feels more like Live or Die. You either get validated by a beautiful guy or die of embarrassment from trying to talk to him. That’s a pretty high price for what amounts to saying hello. And it’s what makes gay nightlife turn into gay frightlife.
So what’s the secret to overcoming your fear of rejection? It’s coming to a profound realization about every good looking guy:
He’s not a goal. He’s a portal.
The guy you want to meet is not an objective; he’s an entryway. He’s somebody who’s going to lead you to the next moment in your life. He may be the next guy you date but what if he ends introducing you to the next guy you date? What if he becomes your next acquaintance, friend, or business contact? Or the guy who points you to the sports league you didn’t know existed, the concert you didn’t know was scheduled or that restaurant that just opened. Maybe you’ll just get a great story out of the experience of meeting him. Or a funny joke. But if you’re open to all of it, any of it, then suddenly Mr. Hot, by the definition of a portal, CAN’T induce fear of rejection, ridicule or loss. He can only instill a sense of curiosity about what’s next.
Once you’ve redefined and realigned your perception of attractive guys, the fear of rejection goes away. But you’re still left with a major dilemma: What do you say to attractive strangers that won’t make you sound like an idiot?
The Art of the Gay Pickup is a new series of postings that will show readers how to pick up gay men.
It is very funny , thank you.
March 6th, 2010 at 6:31 pmhi mike,
March 19th, 2010 at 3:58 pmi read your column and am often impressed by your humor, honesty, and good advice. i’ve never felt the need to write to you until today’s column about the “goal/portal” approach, in this week’s hotspots. i just had to tell you that i think that was some of the best advice i’ve seen. you’re a very insightful fellow, and i hope you keep up the great work. the guy that wrote that obviously has self esteem issues, and your advice was not at all demeaning, but rather a guiding light for his issues. (i thought it was great advice in general, although i’m not the shy type, and have used that approach my entire life). anyway, with all the crap that’s out there, your voice is most refreshing and honest.
i wish you all the best.
david
ur point is very inspiring. in many cases, i find myself is the relative gd-looking guy and see myself as the goal or prey of others. the problem is that it really makes me uncomfortable to disappoint anyone in anyways. so i guess i’ve appeared unwelcoming in most time to avoid the situation all together. now i realized i could have much more options not just sex to offer. it’ll surely make me more relaxed and friendly, and surely more close to what i really wanted.
many thanks.
May 25th, 2010 at 10:15 pm