Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

I believe I’ve hit then end of the line with Match, OKCupid and Nerve. Yeah. I think I’m done with online dating.

There are several reasons for this. For one, I believe I have hit the proverbial glass ceiling. At 41, and a size 10, I am not what many men utilizing those sites consider desirable. Which isn’t to say I’m not. I’m just saying that the men on those sites appear to be seeking perfection in its highest form.

I’ve restricted my log on time for these sites to twice a week. Any more than that I end up walking away with this tremendous sense of worthlessness. Try to imagine sifting through profiles of men aged 40-50 who cap their desired age range for a woman at 39. Or picture emailing 4-5 men who say they’re open to dating women as old as 45, but never reply. Leaving me to wonder if maybe they look at my profile and think “Eh, she’s cute. But I bet I could find someone younger.”

Then there’s the fact that every time I log on, I see the same profiles over and over again. And not just old profiles of men who haven’t logged on it a few weeks or month. No. We’re talking men who are always listed as having checked in in the past 24 hours. It just makes me wonder…

What the hell are they waiting for? What do they want, for Christ’s sake?

These sites cater to two markets – young under 35 and the over 50. It’s as if even the people behind these websites are saying they don’t want or need us.

It’s my personal belief that back in the early stages of internet dating, when it just becoming popular, all the decent, not ridiculously picky, free of any major baggage people had great success. It was Darwinian – the strongest truly did survive and thrive, leaving behind those not so capable, ready or willing.  As time went on, the pool of possible healthy mates thinned out. Considerably. Now you have a bunch of people who have decided either they haven’t settled yet so why start now, aren’t the healthiest of partners or are just never going to settle down. Or, if they’re like me, hoping the work they’ve done on themselves was done on time.

As for my specific age range (37-50) I think there are slim pickings left for both genders.  I looked through pages and pages of profiles of men and woman.  The make up got heavier, the pictures got older or were shot at a further distance, the disclaimers of serious inquiries only/not looking for a one night stand/no crazy pants/must love kids became more constant. Many gave away just how jaded, cynical, delusional or burnt out the person had become.

I officially lost my shit when I read this 49 year old man’s profile:

It’s way too late for me to write something cogent now but the system says I have to write something before I can go to bed. Two things of note… One, I want a partner who is working on herself, who has, or used to have, a practice. If you don’t know what I mean then you’re probably not right for me but what I’m talking about is the study of the psychology and/or spirituality of human growth and evolution. Two, I’m looking for a younger woman. Yes, it’s a cliché and this will no doubt piss off many of you, but I can’t be bothered with that. Having children is still alive as a possibility for me and this requires a working womb which I lack, last I checked. 40-something wombs just aren’t that reliable (don’t object, it’s true…), hence the search for a younger woman who digs older men. If you feel you are an exception to the rule then more power to you. Shoot me an email and let’s get right into bed!

Damn me and my unreliable womb! I’m missing out! P.S. my friend? My family should be in the Guiness Book of World Records for how easily we conceive. My older sister has one fallopian tube and one working ovary and has since she was 23 and she has 6 children..NONE OF THEM PLANNED. P.P.S? There’s a really good chance you’re going to die before your child graduates college, gets married and has his own children. Kudos on bringing a child in to this world that you’ll abandon and leave your wife to raise alone. You’re a giver. Truly.

So fed up and annoyed by this add that I decided to just throw caution to the wind and re-write my profile. I vowed to say every inappropriate thing and let loose.

I’m 41 years old. Just in case you didn’t read my profile, I wanted to throw you a curve. My uterus is perfectly viable, though it is not for rent nor is there vacancy. I don’t want children. Never did. So if you have Baby Fever, I wish you nothing bud good luck and a healthy child. I write about sex and dating for a living as well as run a company that plans workshops and events for small business owners and young professionals.One of those workshops includes…wait for it..a Blow Job Class. That’s right, I said it. Blow Jobs. I used to teach Blow Job classes and now have instructors in 5 of the major cities who teach them for me. Go ahead, thank me. No first date sex here, if that’s what you’re looking for. Yeah, sorry. It has nothing to do with thinking I have a Golden Vagina. It’s because I actually have to LIKE the guy on some level – be it emotionally or physically. Normally it takes me more than a couple hours over drinks to figure that out. Sure, I might decide over a glass of wine that I’m just so crazy attracted to you that I have to have you now. Read the full ad here

Why did I do this?

Because I was tired of trying to be something I wasn’t just to please someone who was probably going to deem me unworthy in the first place.

This new ad might not find me my Mr. Right, and I’m sure I’ll get a ton of sleazy requests and a bit of hate mail, but it sure as hell made Online Dating a lot more fun!

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

READ MORE OF MY COLUMNS AND ADVICE HERE

This entry was posted Feb. 2nd, 2010 at 12:10 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.