Mike Alvear's Urge & Merge

Several years ago, I had a column for the New York Press, aptly called, “Outside the Box.” One of the first things I wrote about was how getting a bad haircut could have adverse effects on your dating life. At the time, I had just gotten uneven, too-short bangs that made me look, um, challenged. You can read it: HERE.

Grooming continually plays a big role in dating and in being attractive to others. Something as small as an errant hair can make or break your game. Articles have been written ad nauseum about too much hair below the belt or lack thereof on the head, but even harder to disguise are mishaps right above the eyes. Lately, I’ve been noticing some other hairy issues that could also affect one’s romantic and social life that are thankfully far easier to fix than a too-short do:  BAD EYEBROWS.

So in an effort to be servicey and assist you in adding this to your New Year’s resolution list, I’ve decided to, instead of just discussing problems, offer some real solutions. Think of me as a true altruist or your kindly Auntie Kelly.

Please girls and boys–have you seen the brows on those guys from Jersey Shore?–fix those eyebrows! They are severely overplucked and look like commas, so much so that one could end up always looking surprised. Worse, the asymmetry is disconcerting.

So here is what you are going to do, eyebrow challenged: You are going to back away from the tweezers and wax, and quite possibly the exacto knife you’ve been using to carve out those brows. Put duct tape—it has many uses–across them if you need to restrain yourself. Even Band-aids will do. Although, on further thought, that might be counterproductive because when finally ripping the aforementioned tape off brows, it may actually act as a hair removal system onto itself. Try Post its. Sure, you may look silly with tiny yellow papers on your face, but you could write an explanation right on them that says, “I’m an overplucker.” Consider it Face Flair.

Okay, better idea:  Take Valium daily for a month to calm yourself and curb the urge to purge brow hair. After a month has gone by, get thee to a threader. This does NOT mean to settle on a waxer, particularly one working at an Asian nail salon. You need a brow specialist.  If you don’t live in a super small town, surely you can rustle up a good threader. It should only cost about $7-$10, and the precision is like nothing you’ve ever witnessed before. Bring a friend; they will be mesmerized.

Threaders will refuse to give you commas, so they, in essence, protect you from yourself and your bad eyebrow judgment. Explain to your threader that you have been growing your brows in because you are an overplucker–never mind that most threaders are Indian and may not speak English very well–it is still important for you to say these words out loud for you to hear them because the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem.

Explain that you merely want them cleaned up and reshaped. You’ll be in good hands. Then, go home, and again, do not touch them. Grow them in for another month. They will get unruly and annoying, I know, but this is for your own good. Forget about selfish motives; this is for the good of the whole community. No one wants to wonder why you constantly have a perma-surprise expression etched onto your face like some bizarre Barbie.

After that month has passed, go back and repeat, “I want them cleaned up and reshaped please.”

By then you will be just fine. I understand you have had these bad brows for years and overplucking and/or waxing can leave brows patchy. There may be tiny portions that refuse to grow in properly. This is what brow pencil, or better yet, shadow, is for. This does not mean you can become one of those psychos that draws in her eyebrows. This merely means if there is a tiny patch that shows skin, fill it in very lightly with a shadow that is slightly lighter–NOT darker–than your actual hair.

Now you can start the year off right. When you catch the eye of a cutie staring across the bar at you, you can confidently raise a full-and-perfectly-arched brow to reel them in.

You will thank me later for being servicey, and I will become your hero. You can pay it forward and do the same for another.

This entry was posted Jan. 12th, 2010 at 1:27 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.