Guest Blogger Moxie on why low drama sex can get in the way of a high stakes relationship.
I recently had to give my Fuck Buddy the boot. It’s been almost 7 years since we first started..er..fuck buddying. For the most part we had a pretty good run of it. It was low drama, we got along, the sex was good. No, great. (..pauses to think wistfully of the sex..) But something happened recently. We took a turn. The sex part was less frequent. Sure, this was still oral and orgasms had by all. But the actual intercourse wasn’t happening. Instead we spent a lot of time..talking. And cuddling. That’s all well and good. But it wasn’t…real.
In the light of day, when we were apart, I wasn’t seeing that consideration or tenderness. There was no talking about our private thoughts and fears and day to day goings on. Out of bed, we were pretty much strangers. He’d text and I’d ignore him, I’d text and he’d brush me off. We rarely planned our little trysts. They were typically last minute. He’d shoot me a text at midnight or I’d send him one at one am. There was no structure. But when we’d get together, you’d think we were boyfriend and girlfriend. No. We were just playing those roles. Pretending. The thing is, it’s really easy to get used to that.
Having a relationship like that in your life when, at the same time, you’re out there looking more substantive complicates things. You start to grow accustomed to his face, so to speak. You become complacent about your search for true love. Especially if you’ve had a string of bad first dates or just heard that your ex was now getting married and moving to London. Now those four hours of bliss and emotional intimacy is safe. Safer than going on another dinner date not knowing where you stand.
That’s the thing about Fuck Buddy relationships that ultimately make them frustrating for me. They aren’t real relationships, no matter how much they might resemble ones in the moments pre and post climax. There’s this feeling of sadness I’d have when my FB would leave. That’s not healthy. That’s a sign that I’m longing for more. Just not with him.
So, with great sadness and a little feeling of smug satisfaction that I cut ties first, I ended things. Via text. You know, because I like to keep it classy. One of my 2010 Resolutions was no more Fuck Buddy. Friends With Benefits? Maybe, since those relationships actually involve a relationship of sorts. But I’m not sure those are any better for me, either.
Yes, the idea of great sex is certainly appealing. And I have no doubt I will weaken and give in to my more primal urges. I tell myself I’m “okay” with being the “extra” or “just for sex.” As long as I don’t think about it too deeply, I am. But when I sit and really examine the situation, I feel really..disappointed in myself. It’s this idea that I’m allowing these men to believe they are getting over on me. That I am willingly giving up my control in the situation, while telling myself I don’t mind, just for sex. That’s what unsettles me about these relationships.
That I have to lie to myself.
Maybe it doesn’t affect others the same. But for those who say it doesn’t, that they can shut everything off and not feel anything, I wonder if they’re so numb inside that they don’t even know how it’s affecting them. Or that they seek these relationships because they are safe and contained. I can say, honestly, that I think all both of these options have applied to me. Sorry, but I’m calling bullshit on anyone who says that they’ve never experienced or wondered any of this while engaging in a no strings relationship. Yes, I think it’s delusional to believe these relationships are mutually beneficial. They just aren’t most of the time. At least not for women. Women find a great lover and we hold on to them because we know their value. The idea of going on some sexual safari just to find one guy who isn’t crazy, isn’t taken, is well endowed (another reason why this search becomes tricky) and who gets us off is exhausting and a tad scary. Guys? They’ll just go have sex. Good sex to them is different than good sex to women. Men are pretty easy to please and often times don’t consider the repercussions (unless the woman is clearly bat shit crazy). Women…we’re a little more…high maintenance in that area.
There’s another point that confuses me. Is the sex worth suspending your disbelief and common sense? Because..people lie. We all do it. And we’re more likely to do it to someone we don’t care about or to which we feel obligated. That’s a lot to consider and doesn’t, by my definition, sound very “no strings.”
And here’s where I’m at. Torn between feeling like I “deserve” sexual satisfaction and worrying that casual sex will only serve to keep me further from what I ultimately want – a committed relationship. I don’t have an issue with going with out. I’ve had long, long dry spells. I don’t feel Like I “need” to get laid. But I do “need” that affection and contact. That really was the only reason I kept things up with my FB for as long as I did. We haven’t had actual intercourse in months. And that never bothered me, because the affection and the comfort part was what I really wanted anyway. I’m basically choosing to date in 2010 without a parachute aka something to cushion the fall. That’s a little terrifying for me. But I know I want more. I want something real, that’s as real at 10am as it is at 2am. Sticking with my FB was not going to help me achieve that goal. I stayed with him as long as I did, I think, because I was too afraid to date without a safety net. Sure, I always said to friends that I wanted a relationship. I’m not so sure I actually meant it until recently.
There’s a song title I’m using for an upcoming piece It’s called No Myth, based on the Michael Penn song. The tune, told from a man’s perspective, is about a woman who sort of flits through life, dating and sleeping with man after man, never settling down with any of them for whatever reason.
What if I were Romeo in black jeans?/What if I was Heathcliff? It’s no myth/Maybe she’s just looking for someone to dance with.
Maybe she’s just looking for someone to dance with. Translation: Maybe the reason why she can never find what she wants is because she doesn’t know what she wants. Or does, but is afraid of it. I guess what it all comes down to is this. In order to find someone worthy of you, that fits, you have to know what you really want and decide to white knuckle it until you get it.
This means not allowing yourself to get side tracked or deluding yourself. We all like a little fun here and there and have the right to pursue that fun. We all love the idea of having options. But continue to rely on this idea of endless supply of possibilities and you will find yourself, like the cheese, standing alone. Now, maybe that’s okay by you. (Though , if it were, I don’t think you’d have read this far.) Perhaps you are perfectly content with your life as a swinging single. More power to you. But don’t let this fear of looking weak prevent you from being honest with yourself about what it is you truly want.
It’s funny. Women will casually and freely announce that they’re just looking to get laid and will go and do so. For some reason, that’s considered empowering. Yet admitting that you’d like to have a partner or that you feel life would be that much better if you had someone to share it with for some reason is frowned upon and makes us look needy or desperate. Don’t buy in to that. Because if you tell yourself that too often and for too long, you’ll start to believe it, and then everybody you attract will bring with them that same kind of fear. The only way to find what you’re looking for is to first be honest with yourself about what that is. And then sticking to that game plan.
Nobody is saying you can’t break loose every so often. But F-Buddies are like pretzels. You can’t stop at just one. And pretty soon you’ll have a string of lovers in your wake because you’ve spent so much time hiding behind or settling for that, that you won’t know what you want anymore.
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Do fuck buddies keep you from having a real relationship? Yes, the answer is yes. Also going to the baths, having anonymous sex in public places, et cetera, all “accomplish” the same thing, yes. This is a problem with being a man, and in particular a man of the gay persuasion, since all these no- or low-involvement options are so available to us. (Straight men are very likely no different from gay men in this, if left to their own devices. They just don’t have all the culture and institutions of casual sex coupled with the usual lack of urge to procreate coupled with the absence of women — who as a rule have a different and more connection-based approach to sex, relationships and maybe life.) This is a big problem, given how seductive and addicting sex is, especially sex of the no-strings variety.
January 5th, 2010 at 8:34 pmyes it does but that’s the point- at least, for me.
January 6th, 2010 at 2:34 amMy body I can freely give. My heart, not so much.
I know what I want someday but Im not ready- I don’t even know what state I will live in in a few months- my finances are crazy- I still have feelings for my exgf and I don’t have that feeling of belonging or “this is right” w any other Girl- I dont need to b abstinent to attract the girl to me and being abstinent decreases my appetite n I’m too skinny (I’m a girl) to not eat and I’m a bitch when I’m not getting laid.
Friends w benefits is all I can handle til I get my sht together plus I don’t know if im meant to b w anyone anyway.
I wish I was straight- guys think like me- we can separate sex n love. most girls can’t even though at the time they tell me they do until they start catching feelings and then I look like the bad guy cuz even though I was honest, I haven’t all of a sudden decided to settle down with them.
I have a high libido and obsess w sex even more when I’m not getting enough. I need it to just calm me down so I can use my brain cells for other things, like gettin my sht together.
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January 6th, 2010 at 11:12 amI think this is a great post, Moxie. You have to figure out what you want in order to find it. Knowing what you don’t want is just the first part of the equation. Once you figure out what you want, getting it becomes substantially easier.
January 6th, 2010 at 1:53 pmMoxie great post. As a man having FWB is great but I know that I am also hiding my feeling, looking for more and have the same emotions that you express. Looking back I have had a few FWB relationships that I wanted more, needed more and stepped away from since I felt that the woman did want anything more. Bad of me for not asking or chasing but then I am a man thinking well next time…. ! My point is FWB helps us sometimes find what we need, understand what makes us whole and at times what is not good for us.
January 7th, 2010 at 10:08 amWill I have another FWB? Yes!! But with some one who meets a lot of my needs, desires, wants and yes I will hold them to a higher standard than someone I will date from the out set.
Men and women behind the amour we put on for others have the same feelings we just express them differently.
Thanks for the hot babe blog.
January 17th, 2010 at 10:19 pmI’m sure that for the men who support the FB sydrome this practice works for them. For those who do not support this behavior I wish you all the luck. What I thought was a relationship of 5 years for me, but for him more recently is turning out to be a FB situation. All along I have been very clear that with time (which should have been long before now)I was looking to develop a relationship. I know he can commit since during this time he has had a relationship with a girl (unfornately he is not capable of dealing with a woman). Despite being forgiving of his last gf he is not venturing into another relationship with a married girl..What’s up with this nonsense. He pushed for us to be together, but does not put a relationship on the table when it comes to us. Input someone..or is it me.
January 29th, 2010 at 7:24 pmMoxie, you hit the nail on the head with this post. I went thru a bad break with my husband of 13 years and after the dust settled I had a string of bad 1st dates. But along the way I met a guy who is 15 years my junior. We’ve had an on again off again sexual relationship for a year and a half. Several times I told him to go away, but we end up back in the sheets after a few weeks or months. I would mostly talk with him on Yahoo IM and only on occassion, but had his home phone, but would rarely call. After our last midnight excursion, yes…mine works that way too, he gave me his cel # after a year and a half. Now he texts me daily and is asking how my day is and how I slept, or do I have a good accountant, just random shit that never happened before. I’m not really sure what to do here now. Honestly, I want a secure relationship some day… but this “safe” one did not have feelings invested, at least true feeling anyway like the kind you have in a relationship===and it’s been safe.
Now his new found interest in me, and it’s not for sex…because he’d get it anyway without asking how my day was or how I slept, is confusing me. He did at one time ask me to “date” him, but I turned him down stating he’s too young, but just a night of “fun” was okay. But after a year and a half, I am starting to wonder if I should just go for it. Give it a try. Problem is, I am only 5 years younger then his Mom and he’s only 6 years older then my son….and I’m at the point that I kinda like him more then a FB, but can’t see a future in it. But who knows, stranger things have happened.
How about some advise….
March 21st, 2010 at 9:30 pmHey, awesome post. I just now stumbled on your website and am already a fan.
May 11th, 2010 at 10:14 pmThank you, thank you, thank you! I found this article after googling “fuck buddies” and “casual sex” trying to understand my current FB situation which is on its last legs after six months and my FB telling me he’s falling for a pot farmer he met on a hippie commune. I wish I was joking. Your line – ” I want something that’s as real at 10 am …” Hit home big time.
I guess I’m scared to call things off for good because I was celibate for two years post-divorce and although my FB is far from ideal, its just the fact that he exists that makes it hard to let go and white knuckle it, as you say.
In the end, I know that I deserve and NEED better – its just allowing the fear of letting go into the unknown that scares me.
July 17th, 2010 at 3:12 pmgood post.. I’ve been there myself once. But you in the end finallym make a choice, you will be happy with it
Michael
August 1st, 2010 at 12:31 amIt’s 4:29 AM and with insomnia, I’ve surfed the web and found this. It’s amusing how it mirrors what I felt when I was with a potential FB. I just couldn’t do it because as good as it felt, I was already feeling disappointed in myself that I would settle for anything less than my opinion of an ideal relationship. It was hard, still is tempting, since we’re still friends and he’s still interested. But once you do let it go and you meet someone else (even if that didn’t work out), you’ll get over it. I know I felt so proud when I encountered this ex-potential-FB again and didn’t feel anything. It was the closure and reassurance I needed to listen to my own instinct and logic. If you’re feeling any remorse, anger, frustraction, or disappointment after an encounter, keep that in mind next time the temptation to experience that climax arises.
If you’re interested in reading my dating blog, check out dating4thetimid.blogspot.com
December 9th, 2010 at 7:34 amAn fb will prevent you from having a real relationship… bc the next boyfriend candidate will dump you when he finds out you were a fuck buddy.
January 2nd, 2011 at 6:46 pmA fb will prevent you from having a real relationship… bc the next boyfriend candidate will dump you when he finds out you were a fuck buddy.
January 3rd, 2011 at 11:49 amDid you have a real relationship in that 7 years??? Or just the FB?
January 18th, 2011 at 2:11 amGreat post. I totally agree with the idea of fwb keep you from having real relationships, I realised just a couple of months ago and Im trying to decide what I really want in my life right now but its all getting complicated. Hope to find it out soon.
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