If I hear one more HIV+ man tell me he’s “grateful” for the disease because it made him a more peaceful, loving, open, honest person I’m going to scream. Those afflicted by disease —whether it’s cancer or HIV– have taken a pernicious slide toward rationalizing their conditions as something “necessary” for them to achieve some kind of enlightenment. And we can lay that awful trend on the likes of Louise Hay, Deepak Chopra and that whole positive thinking guru crap that passes for spiritual insight.
I don’t want to be mean to my friends and acquaintances that have the burden of a terrible condition, but I just can’t be silent anymore. I simply can’t listen to anyone who tells me he’s embraced the virus as a gift because it’s made him a better person.
Just last week an acquaintance said, “HIV has given me a new life. I needed it to open my eyes to the joy of living. I’m emotionally stronger and I have a new sense of priorities.”
What a crock of caca. HIV as the path to God? The virus as your friend? This is the kind of fertilizer the fields of Ireland long for.
Disease as a gift you should be grateful for? Who thought that up? Probably the same people who tried to console me when my 24 year-old brother was killed in a horrifying car accident. You know, the people who say, “It was God’s will.”
So yes, just like I should be grateful that my brother was included in God’s plan, HIV+ people should be grateful that their virus led them to God’s path.
Do you see what’s going on here? A complete denial of senseless tragedy. And make no mistake, getting HIV is tragic. See, if you can just blot out the randomness, the pain, the injustice—whether it’s an accident or an infection–and put meaning into it, then you can pretend there was a reason for it.
Yes, I learned a lot about loss, family and love out of my brother’s death. But to be grateful for it? That’s grotesque. It’s the same with HIV. Yes, you can learn lessons and become a better person. But to be grateful for it? That’s obscene.
This kind uranium-enriched BS has been handed down by luminaries from Oprah to Deepak, but the very worst one is testicular cancer survivor Lance Armstrong who once said, “ “Cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Excuse me, Lance Armstrong and everyone else with corkscrew vision, disease is not your connection to the divine. It is NOT a rite of passage or a path to God. IT’S A FUCKING TRAGEDY. An injustice heaped on innocent victims.
Look, it’s not just the flawed logic that burns my ass more than a three-foot flame; it’s the danger this kind of thinking represents. See, if HIV changed your life for the good, if AIDS is the way to God, shouldn’t you therefore aspire to get it? Because look! Infection=Salvation! Wow, you mean all I have to do is get a deadly disease and enlightment is mine? Screw those condoms, boys, let’s go raw.
Here’s what I say to all my HIV+ friends: Don’t be grateful; be angry. Don’t carry the burden of trying to make HIV your friend. Like all friends, it’ll expect you to be loyal and introduce it to your other friends.
While HIV is not your friend, it isn’t your enemy either. It just *is.* Learning to deal with it is an admirable accomplishment, but please, don’t tell us it’s a gift. Or that your grateful.
Damn, that’s some fine writing.I responded to it on facebook but then I thought I would copy it here since I’m not sure you read my posts! ;o) Here’s what I wrote:
Maybe it’s a matter of semantics here but when somebody says they’re “grateful” to be sick, I hear it as, “I’m grateful that I either had the strength or the emotional support to not curl into the fetal position and die or spend the rest of my days raging uselessly at god.” In other words, maybe they’re not grateful FOR the disease but how they’ve reacted to it–for the grace and hope and humanity with which they’ve responded. Because otherwise, staying “rageful” at the tragedy and unfairness of it all sounds like the opposite side of the coin of feeling “grateful”…
November 13th, 2009 at 4:42 pmJoe.My.God. posted your column; and there are scores of comments; mostly very angry ones. Here is what I posted:
Wow; what a great shake up — look at all the angry responses both for and against young Mr. Alvear’s opinion piece.
While its not possible for me to know exactly when I became HIV+, it was sometime around 1980 when I was 20. A frequent visitor to the Steamworks (Berkeley), 8th/Howard and 3rd St. Baths (SF), and thats when I got Hep B. So many friends, acquaintances, and 1 nighters are dead and have been for 2+ decades.
I have had my own up and down moments, though not as seriously as others, and not yet, facing death. But there were no long-term survivors until we survived, so there was always the ominous “its coming to get you, you’ve got 6 months”. And then there is survivor’s guilt, and all sorts of other issues to deal with from health insurance to living with a loving boyfriend (24 years) who is HIV-.
I think I’ve seen a sufficient slice of the HIV/AIDS social fabric to make certain conclusions:
1) Young Alvear is, mostly, right. HIV is not a fucking gift; it is a god awful virus that rips the life out its hosts;
2) Manageability of a disease is relative; managing HIV, even with all the advances, down right SUCKS. Sure, now I can take 5 pills/day instead of 60/day; but every time you swallow those pills (twice a day for me) you get to be reminded that there is a virus inside that wants to kill me;
3) It is worse than moronic, it is psychopathic to WANT to be HIV+ for any reason; there simply is no reason that could justify contracting this disease, especially one where, at least today and for the past 20+ years, is relatively easy to avoid;
4) Anger has its time and place, but it is a phase. It was anger that shaped the gay community to take charge of HIV/AIDS social/political/medical agenda. Anger to take control of your own lives. BUT, a “rest of your life” embittered with anger? No;
5) Accepting one’s condition, sure. Maintaining best health possible, absolutely. Making the best out of such a fucked up situation, absolutely. Choosing (and by choosing I mean deliberately exposing oneself to the virus) to make HIV part of your life, absolutely NOT;
6) Guys who state: D/D free only are assholes. Of course be safe, play safe, and, if you choose, don’t do drugs. But at least have some bit a community awareness and simply state: “HIV- for HIV- only, please. Oh, and I don’t do drugs.” B-T-W, if you are out on the make, neither you nor anyone you might hook up with truly know their status.
7) Except in the one in every what, shall we say 10,000 cases, of complete NEVER lapsed monogamy, there is no such thing as safe bareback sex.
Thanks Mike Alvear for raising such a great issue/comment.
November 16th, 2009 at 1:14 pmperpetual anger doesn’t solve anything.
life’s obstacles, whatever they are, present an opportunity for learning, introspection and growth. at least the do for me.
no one has the right to tell me how i need to feel.
November 16th, 2009 at 4:57 pmHey, just thought I would drop a line to tell you that your site took a little while to load… are you using a caching plugin? I don’t know if they have caching plugins for BlogEngine, but I know they do for WordPress and it makes my WordPress sites load A LOT faster! Maybe it is just my internet though, check the webmasters tools and see what it says the load time is.
February 20th, 2010 at 11:53 am