Boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends.
From a reader:
I’m always pursuing guys that I can’t have and running away from guys that show interest. I’m a sad contradiction. I’m always alone and find myself longing for a boyfriend. Whenever hot guys do approach me I freeze up and can’t look at them or talk to them and they in turn believe there is no interest and move on. I cruise guys but am afraid to make the first move. I’ve lost out on a lot of hot men over the years and realize I have no one to blame but myself.
On top of that, I had one relationship over 14 years ago and he ended it. Since then, I’m afraid to open up to anyone. I think he’ll only see my flaws once he gets to know me, dump me and my self-esteem will suffer. I lost my job after that relationship ended, obsessing over him and feeling like I was worthless and am afraid it could happen again. My inability to open up to anyone has earned me a bad reputation in this town and many guys won’t approach me. They think I’m a cock-tease or just an asshole.
I’ve sought therapy before and that was a waste of money so I’m hoping maybe you have some insight for me. I read your column a lot and think you offer a lot of good advice. What can I do to get over these hang-ups and finally find the loving relationship I think I want? I’m tired of seeing others happy as life passes me by.
– Lost & Desperate
Dear Lost & Desperate:
There are lots of things I could suggest that would help you get over your fear of approaching guys or to make yourself approachable. In fact, I cover all of them in my new ebook, Attract Hotter Guys. But you know what? Save yourself the money—it won’t help people like you. Unless you have some fundamental sense of self—which you don’t—the tips and techniques in my book won’t do you any good.
I’ve said it a million times—boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends. Unfortunately, the first instinct of unhappy bastards like you is to find something outside of them to make them happy. Even if you did find someone to make you, happy you’d end up driving him away with your unhappiness. So, instead of looking for bliss to flow into you I’d work on getting it to flow out of you.
Give up the search for a while. Stop wearing the T-shirt that says “Unit Available” and switch to the one saying, “Off The Market.” It’s only by turning off the 24/7 Boyfriend Scanner that you’ll find the strength and focus to do the hard work required. Namely, going back to therapy and sticking with it.
You did to therapy what you do in your love life: Seek, find and sabotage. So, therapy’s a wonderful place to start breaking the pattern. Plus, you’ll get lots of insight and straighten out the mess you’ve become. It’s a two-fer.
In some ways, I think people like you enjoy the complaining too much to actually do something about the sad state of your love life. A lot of men don’t really want a relationship—they just like looking for one. And what they’re looking for is a canvas to paint their unhappiness on.
If you spent less time bitching and moaning and more time working and healing you’d become happier. And then my ebook will help!
That is a really nasty response to somebody who is obviously hurting. Shame on you.
July 20th, 2010 at 12:16 pmIf you read this question, Lost&Desperate is saying 2 different things: He wants some hot cock and he wants a relationship. Sorry, most of the time you can’t have both. Mike is right, the guy needs to stop, think, and act. The approach thing just takes practice and accept the fact you get rejected sometimes. Dating hot guys sounds like sex to me and those hot guys are doing the same thing, so if you think you can be in a bf relationship with them you are dreaming.
December 28th, 2010 at 11:22 pmThat was an extremely rude and hurtful response.
People learn from their mistakes, this guy is obviously confused and isn’t sure what he wants, being negative towards him won’t help, just because you have your own opinion that happiness will bring boyfriends that doesn’t give you the right to criticize others.
My opinion; your a over confident person who is Brainwashed.
February 27th, 2011 at 4:35 pmThat was an extremely rude and hurtful response.
People learn from their mistakes, this guy is obviously confused and isn’t sure what he wants, being negative towards him won’t help, just because you have your own opinion that happiness will bring boyfriends that doesn’t give you the right to criticize others. He’s only telling you how he feels about what HE has experienced.
My opinion; your a over confident person who is Brainwashed.
February 27th, 2011 at 4:36 pmThat was a terrible response. This guy may be unhappy on occasion but that’s probably because he’s kind of depressed and the condition is damaging his self-esteem. Where did you get the idea he was looking for bliss? What he seems to be saying is that he’s having some trouble connecting with people emotionally. Sometimes it’s enough just to listen and acknowledge. Maybe you could start there. He’s asking for your help, not thoughtless remarks about “people like you.”
March 25th, 2011 at 12:23 amI disagree with the comments for this post. The guy writing in is like me, if I have the type correctly. In the past I’ve been clingy, emotional, and somewhat dissatisfied with all of my attempts at finding someone. At this point, I have accepted that I’m not going to find someone by searching all of the time. I still have dating site profiles, but I’ve been working on my self development. My first concern right now is to improve myself in the ways that I feel are important.
Accepting that it is a very real possibility that I will be alone for the rest of my life has turned my attention to the fact that I’m not a very good “life partner” to myself. Not being a big believer in complete “inner peace”, I nevertheless am trying to improve my self-discipline and self-honesty. Afterall, I’m the person that I has to be around me the most.
August 26th, 2011 at 9:27 am