Why do so many effeminate men take on a plumage that turns off the guys they want to attract?
There’s an interesting contradiction in gay life: The culture that celebrates effeminacy in society ridicules it in the bedroom.
Exhibit A: Timothy Bergling in his book, “Sissyphobia: Gay Men and Effeminate Behavior,” did an analysis of personal ads and found 40% of all ads were masculine-themed (he looked at code words like “straight-acting only” and not-so-coded phrases like “femmes need not apply”), while only 2 percent were feminine-themed. (The rest were neither.)
Again, the score on personal ads: 40% masculine themed, 2% feminine themed, the rest uncategorized.
That masculine gay men prefer other masculine gay men as partners isn’t a shock. What is surprising is how few effeminate men wanted other effeminate men as sexual partners.
Bergling quotes a study published by the American Psychological Association showing that a substantial number of effeminate-identified men prefer masculine men as sexual partners.
Now, why do so many effeminate men prefer in their partners the very masculinity they’ve bleached out of themselves?
The obvious answer is that they’re attracted to their opposites. But that’s only a partial answer, because the opposites they prefer do not like their opposites. In other words, effeminate men may lust for masculine men but masculine men don’t lust back. Talk about painting yourself into a corner and throwing away the lube.
Effeminate men get hoisted on their own chiffon petards. The more they take on effeminate characteristics, the less able they are to attract the kind of guys they want to sleep with. This process of being (or becoming) that which drives away what you’re trying to attract is a mating absurdity. Imagine birds trying to attract mates with red and white plumage when the suitors are attracted to yellow and green.
This is an absurd cruelty that gay culture plays on itself. We encourage effeminacy with one bejeweled, manicured hand but slap it down with the callused, unjeweled other. Few of us want to have sex with guys in dresses. Especially the guys in the dresses.
Many gay men have either heard of or taken the “Straight Acting Quiz” () on StraightActing.com. The subtext of the “test” is that the higher you score, the more desirable you’ll be.
If effeminate men found other effeminate men attractive, wouldn’t there be a Nelly-acting.com? Wouldn’t there be an “Effeminacy Quiz” on which nelly guys could boast about their scores like the butch ones do on StraightActing.com
It’s a shame that even a nelly guy doesn’t equate nelliness with sexiness, because there’s something self-negating about taking on characteristics you don’t want your partners to have. There are lots of ironies in gay life, but perhaps none greater than this: Sissies are often the biggest sissyphobes of all.
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May 5th, 2009 at 6:29 pmYou couldn’t be more right.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:07 pmI’m gay, femme and a drag queen. I exclusively fancy other camp guys, preferably drag queens. However, that said I find the above sooo true. It’s really annoying as no one I’m attracted to is interested in me, they all want straight acting guys. I like being effeminate though, changing myself is definitely not an option. Sadly I can’t make myself attracted to a different type either. So guess I’ll just have to wait for an exception to the rule!
August 9th, 2009 at 4:38 pmThanks for the honesty, sweetie. I think not being to change who we like is one of the most frustrating things about being male (why can women seem to do it so easily?). But then again, we should know we can’t change. Look at our homosexuality. If we can’t change the gender we like, what makes us think we can change who within that gender we’re attracted to?
August 10th, 2009 at 11:42 amEach article I have read is well written and to the point. I would also like to say, not only are the articles well written, but the lay-out of your web-site is excellent. It was easy to navigate from article to article and find what I was looking for with ease. Keep up the great work you are doing, and I will be back many times in the future.
July 4th, 2010 at 9:49 pmI am an ultra feminine crossdressing male. I am totally attracted to dominant, masculine men. The more masculine they are the better I like them. I began crossdressing when I spent 8 years in state prison. In there feminine crossdressers get lots of male attention. Upon my release from prison I discovered that the only thing that approximates the prison experience sexually was adult bookstore video arcades. I loiter in these arcades wearing wigs, high heels, and string bikinis and I pick up men and take them to a preview booth for sex. I have no lack of masculine men to accompany me to the booths. In fact many of them are married.
November 18th, 2010 at 4:20 pmgiay in,giay van phong,giay in A4…
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