If being who you are isn’t getting you what you want, you either have to change who you are or change what you want.
from a reader:
I’m 18, have a nice body, cute butt, and all that, but nobody online hits me up. I think what’s causing all the ignores is my femininity. I’m kind of femme, yes, and it probably shows in my pics. I have long hair, too, and I think that adds to the rejection. I’m not a tranny or a cross dresser, I just happen to be not as masculine as some other guys. And with everyone wanting “hot masculine muscle jocks…” well, my question is, what am I supposed to do? I’m kind of lonely and it depresses me that most guys don’t find guys like me attractive (except the very old sugar daddies). Sometimes I just wanna chop off all my hair and live in a gym just so I can have some male contact, but I don’t want to compromise who I am. Help!
– Pretty but Lonely
Dear Pretty but Lonely:
First, you need to do a little personal inventory and ask yourself questions like, “Why am I complaining that ‘jocks’ don’t like me when I don’t do anything to attract them?” And, “Why aren’t I attracted to guys like myself?”
The obvious answer is that you’re attracted to your opposite. But here’s the catch: ‘Masculine jocks’ are rarely attracted to their opposites. So, mating-wise, you’ve painted yourself into a corner and threw away the lube.
The ugly fact is that the more you express effeminate characteristics, the less attractive you’ll be to muscular, athletic guys. Mating is all about plumage. If you’re attracted to guys who like blue you’ll get stink if you sport nothing but pink.
So, let me bottom-line it for you: If being who you are isn’t getting you what you want, you either have to change who you are or change what you want. Assuming you’re not going to change the objects of your desire, you have three choices:
1. Change your plumage. Go to the gym, cut your hair, grab your balls and growl. Like the MGM Lion, not Kitty LeClaw. This is only an option if your effeminacy is a product of nurture rather than nature. A lot of guys take on effeminate characteristics because it’s what they like, not because it’s who they are. On the other hand, nelliness is often an intrinsic characteristic: A lot of guys really do come out of the womb knowing the difference between beige, cream, ecru, and eggshell.
Personally, I hope you don’t change your plumage. All those pumped, primped and plucked guys? We’ve got too many of them running around. Variety is the spice of life. We need a little jalapeno.
2. Change a couple of feathers. This is the middle ground where you ask yourself, “What am I willing to change that would get me laid without living a lie?” Maybe you cut your hair to look like Tarzan instead of Jane. Maybe you lose the shimmer in your lip-gloss. Maybe you put a bone in your wrist. What changes can you live with?
3. Fuck the Feathers. Stand your ground but change your strategy. While they’re in a distinct minority, there ARE ‘masculine jocks’ that like a little girl in their boys. So, stop acting like a damsel in distress and start acting like a hunter with a trap. Get aggressive, do searches, and hit people up. Don’t wait for your email light to blink red; make everybody else’s light up. Yes, your hit rate will be low but it won’t be zero.