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Gay Marriage: I’m gay, but I ain’t sold on it.

not convinced 209x300 Gay Marriage: Im gay, but I aint sold on it.

Because really,
it’s going to cramp my style

Despite having been out and proud for almost fifteen years, I am at constant odds with my fellow gays and bleeding-heart liberals over holy homo matrimony. I understand that gay couples are denied the financial and legal perks that come with the legalized sanctity of marriage. However, these perks come at a cost. I’m still not convinced that most gay people actually get what gay marriage would mean not only to our community, but to their relationships. I’ve compiled a short list of activities that will no longer be acceptable once the gays are able to start filing joint tax returns.

A. No more three ways. Ever! Not even when you’re both really drunk, out of town, and the hot bartender asks where your hotel is. Remember growing up, how your parents never came back after a night out with some random person? Exactly.

B. No more moving at the speed of light. If you connect with someone that you’ve met at a softball game or sex party, you cannot make copies of your house keys for them within the week. Think about all of the straight weddings you’ve been to, how the couples knew each other since high school or college. Just because someone swallowed on the first date or can make your ex jealous does not necessarily make them marriage material. Clearly, when the Iowa Supreme Court deliberated on gay marriage, they did not take that into account.

C. No more of this open relationship crap. Sure, you and your partner may have a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, but once gay marriage is legal, …

that policy will be known by two new names: “adultery” and “goodbye, half of my shit.” Even if you two have an understanding, that agreement won’t mean squat when they start planning to divorce you and hire a private investigator to follow you around. Judges in divorce cases don’t care about open relationships. They care about granting people alimony.

D. No more internet trolling. I was once working on a Saturday when the cops came in and confiscated a straight male co-worker’s computer. Apparently, he’d been using his work computer to meet women on Needless to say, his wife, the mother of his children, did not approve and procured herself a court order proving that her husband was cheating. This means no more faceless body shots splattered all over Manhunt. Actually, if gay marriage is legalized, Manhunt should remove the “Open Relationship” option from their profiles for liability purposes.

I realize that many heterosexual couples also have less than traditional relationships (Hollywood actors, polygamist cult members, the Clintons). But I’d venture to say that in a random sampling of gay couples and straight couples the gay couples will outshine the straight ones in dysfunction 2 to 1. We homosexuals should think long and hard about what we are willing to sacrifice for marriage equality. Monogamy is not easy. And failure at monogamy, within the boundaries of marriage, is punishable by law!

(The author must disclose that he hasn’t had a boyfriend in over a year and is admittedly jealous of gay couples)

How gay marriage strengthens heterosexual marriage

Where does gay marriage rank in the top ten reasons why heterosexuals divorce?

For an explosively emotional site that helps conservative parents come to terms with their gay children (

pixel Gay Marriage: Im gay, but I aint sold on it.

20 Responses to “Gay Marriage: I’m gay, but I ain’t sold on it.”

  1. I learn more from this site

  2. Mario

    What a total waste of time. Then don’t get married, but don’t take away someone else’s right to. Your the kind of homo that gives the rest of us a bad rap.

  3. manny

    oh mario,
    read “a modest proposal” and let me know what you think of jonathan swift’s ideas…

    good job tony!

  4. [...] Iowa, I’m gay, but I ain’ t sold on your marriage ruling. | Mike Alvear’s Urge & Mer… [...]

  5. [...] I’m gay and not sold on gay marriage [...]

  6. TIm

    Right, because straight people aren’t allowed to do these things…

  7. Mark

    Hey, I have a better way to look at this in two points.

    1) Straight marriages have swingers, men who cheat, and the recent study where a good percent of “straight” married men cheat on their wives with other men. THIS IS NOT A GAY THING, It is a gender issue.

    2) The marriage fight is not about marriage alone. It is about:

    -Equal CIVIL RIGHTS.
    -Gay teen suicide 6 times higher than straight teens because they are depressed and don’t feel normal.
    -A HATE CRIME happens against a gay person EVERY 6 HOURS in the US. and denying rights to gays teaches bullies they can discriminate, tease, and hurt us mentally and physically.

    SO, I do not care what you want for yourself. You need to realize that we are hurt everyday, we die everyday, we are harmed everyday and without laws protecting us, this will continue to happen and increase in frequency.

  8. Mark

    Oh, and living in a military town, DADT should be eliminated.

    Our Gay bars would be half empty if military and retired military members stopped coming. This doesn’t count the others who just use the internet.

    If you live in a small town, have heard all your family or friends make remarks about gays, you are gay and you want to get away, what is a good option? The Military.

    Many Gay men join the military; you prove your a man, you don’t get as many questions about why you are not married, you get out of your town and move to a big city, you travel, and maybe because you also would be around hot men all day.

    Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell? I think the military guys just don’t wanna know exactly how many there are in the military. They may have to thank us for helping the country all of these years.

  9. Judith

    That’s what a WWII vet told me: If we were to acknowledge gays in the military, we’d have to thank them for our victory in WWII. He thought the gay soldiers (himself included) were among the best, most loyal servicemen. I’d like to say Thank You, Mark.

  10. christina

    Dear Tony, You’re against marriage, period.

  11. [...] I’m gay and not sold on gay marriage [...]

  12. [...] I’m gay and not sold on gay marriage [...]

  13. Todd in NV

    With opinions like this, who needs Republicans to oppress us ?

    Oppress yourself !

    Equaity is only for straight people !

    Let your own jelousy of couples dedicated to one-another rule your life !

  14. Dr. Hoff

    Mark, I think you have the wrong definition for gender…and either way, this is generally for satire. Take it with a grain of salt. Mario, I think it is the homosexuals who DO engage in said behavior above that give us the bad name…not Tony. Maybe if we stop trying to dichotomize everything and ostracizing heterosexuals, and focus on AMERICA as a whole and not just the gay community, then things MIGHT start to get accomplished.

  15. This is the most homophobic thing I’ve read in a long time. I’m gay and I’ve never had a three-way in my life, nor ever particularly wanted one. I’m engaged to be married, but we waited nearly a year after the proposal before moving in together. We do not have an open relationship, and we have no interest in Internet trolling. Now can we get married, please? I don’t want to wait until I’m 40.

  16. Glenn

    Women cheat just as much as men. So it has nothign to do with gender. And these swingers are ridiculed amongst many str8s. Let’s remember, the issue of family values has a stronger faction among the heterosexuals than the gay scene. No one is saying that the str8s are perfect, but there are still taboos that are understood. Where such constructs have really been enforced amongst gays. There is still the assumption of monogamy in marriage period. And some jurisdictions still allow divorce to be a legitimate factor in divorce. Its not even about rights and thats what making us look foolish. A lot of it is about taxes and money. Marriage has always had stipualtions and carried with it priviledges and drawbacks. The author warning gays to take marriage seriously is not making gays look bad, but making them look good. The one’s that like swinging and sleeping around are the one’s that make gays look bad. Great article and list. Its funny how anytime someone asks the gays to be more accountible and sensible, people go on the attack. What makes us look bad is our activists defending bathroom sex or public exposure or even supporting the NAMBLA cause. what is wrong with gay and lesbian and bisexual couples fightign for monogamy and family values? We cant let the religious right be proven right. Maybe str8 make simialr mistakes, but at least there are those within their ranks that will push for stability, even if it doesnt always happen.

  17. Glenn

    and learn what oppression is. Someone saying no is not oppression. stop playing the victim. Taking marriage seriously is not opression. Theer should be rules in everything and if monogamy is a sensible rule for marriage, whats the problem. It only shows how selfish and indignant our community is if they cant be serious and take good advise. Dancing around naked isnt freedom. building families and homes and making our greta society is our responsibility. making strong families will contribute to that. being told not sleeping around and take marriage seriously is oppressive to you? Please!!!

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