Your Ticket to a Boyfriend?
A recent letter:
Now that we’re into the New Year I can chalk up six straight years of tricking when I would rather have had six straight years of wedded bliss. I just got my MBA so I even tried using a business approach to getting a boyfriend, complete with an overall marketing, advertising and public relations plan. I swear, if my love life was a home loan it would’ve gone into forclosure. Do you have any suggestions to make 2009 the year I break the curse and break in a boyfriend?
– Hoping for hope
Dear Hoping:
You can’t use corporate tactics to improve your bottom’s line. Here’s why: Because business strategies focus on objective, external circumstances rather than subjective, internal attitudes. And it’s your attitude, not your strategy that will get you laid. I mean, married. Well, both. Rather than using the strategies of successful businesses you’re better off using the characteristics of successful businessmen.
You want a wedding band? Then pay attention to these Do’s & Don’ts (business style so you MBAs will feel at home):
Do: Realize it takes an average of seven contacts to make the sale (translation: Patience. You have to plant seeds before harvesting).
Don’t: Put a bumper sticker in your car that says, “I’m Dating Your Husband.”
Do: Detach yourself from the outcome. Business plans never say, “You’re sense of identity rests on making the sale.”
Don’t: Wear a T-shirt with “Apartment Manager” in the front and “Unit Available” in the back.
Do: Act like a business and surround yourself with teams and support. No businessman succeeds without help from others. Same in love. Always go out with friends. They offer support and a good laugh. And smiling is a scientifically proven way of attracting people to you.
Don’t: Approach a guy in the bar and say, “Would you like a drink or do you just want the money?”
Do: Open up new markets. Hang out in places where relationships have a higher chance of developing. If you’re used to clubbing, go to laid-back clubs, if you don’t play sports, start and join one of the gay clubs (the good thing about gay sports is that you’re expected to suck).
Don’t: Tell people that your favorite song is Peaches’, “Fuck the Pain Away.”
Do: Be disciplined. Many businesses succeed simply because they never gave up. They kept at it. So if you join a volleyball team, go to the practices even if you don’t feel like it. Persevere.
Don’t: Be an ass if someone rejects you. After spending hours in a bar buying drinks for some hottie who eventually turned him down, a friend yelled, “.” Nice.
Do: Sacrifice. All successful businesses give up short-term profits for long-term goals. You can’t stay out till 6am whacked out on Tina, screw everything with a pulse and expect to find a boyfriend the next morning at church.
Getting yourself a boyfriend isn’t a matter of asking yourself “What business tactics should I use?” It’s asking, “Am I willing to change my life to achieve my goal?” To be perfectly honest, most gay men would answer “No.” Maybe this is the year for you to say, “Yes.”
