Mike Alvear’s Urge & Merge

Boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends.

From a reader:

I’m always pursuing guys that I can’t have and running away from guys that show interest. I’m a sad contradiction. I’m always alone and find myself longing for a boyfriend. Whenever hot guys do approach me I freeze up and can’t look at them or talk to them and they in turn believe there is no interest and move on. I cruise guys but am afraid to make the first move. I’ve lost out on a lot of hot men over the years and realize I have no one to blame but myself.

On top of that, I had one relationship over 14 years ago and he ended it. Since then, I’m afraid to open up to anyone. I think he’ll only see my flaws once he gets to know me, dump me and my self-esteem will suffer. I lost my job after that relationship ended, obsessing over him and feeling like I was worthless and am afraid it could happen again. My inability to open up to anyone has earned me a bad reputation in this town and many guys won’t approach me. They think I’m a cock-tease or just an asshole.

I’ve sought therapy before and that was a waste of money so I’m hoping maybe you have some insight for me. I read your column a lot and think you offer a lot of good advice. What can I do to get over these hang-ups and finally find the loving relationship I think I want? I’m tired of seeing others happy as life passes me by.

– Lost & Desperate

Dear Lost & Desperate:
There are lots of things I could suggest that would help you get over your fear of approaching guys or to make yourself approachable. In fact, I cover all of them in my new ebook, Attract Hotter Guys. But you know what? Save yourself the money—it won’t help people like you. Unless you have some fundamental sense of self—which you don’t—the tips and techniques in my book won’t do you any good.

I’ve said it a million times—boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends. Unfortunately, the first instinct of unhappy bastards like you is to find something outside of them to make them happy. Even if you did find someone to make you, happy you’d end up driving him away with your unhappiness. So, instead of looking for bliss to flow into you I’d work on getting it to flow out of you.

Give up the search for a while. Stop wearing the T-shirt that says “Unit Available” and switch to the one saying, “Off The Market.” It’s only by turning off the 24/7 Boyfriend Scanner that you’ll find the strength and focus to do the hard work required. Namely, going back to therapy and sticking with it.

You did to therapy what you do in your love life: Seek, find and sabotage. So, therapy’s a wonderful place to start breaking the pattern. Plus, you’ll get lots of insight and straighten out the mess you’ve become. It’s a two-fer.

In some ways, I think people like you enjoy the complaining too much to actually do something about the sad state of your love life. A lot of men don’t really want a relationship—they just like looking for one. And what they’re looking for is a canvas to paint their unhappiness on.

If you spent less time bitching and moaning and more time working and healing you’d become happier. And then my ebook will help!

Mood popper (muud paap′-er) n. 1.  a person who ruins the moment by asking how many men you’ve shagged.

That’s the definition.  Here’s my answer:

* Answer The Question With A Question. As in, “Why are you asking?” Put the burden on him. The people who truly want to know about STD’s might say, “I’m just a little worried about HIV and other ill-mannered microbes.” Then you can simply say, “I get tested regularly and don’t have so much as a pimple.”

* Assume his motivation is safety. If he says, “I’m only asking because I’m curious,” assume he’s worried he might catch a horrible disease like Age or Wrinkles. Your answer: “I’m sensing you’re worried about STD’s. No problem, I get tested regularly.”

* If He Keeps Insisting, Question His Motivation. Once you’ve answered the safety issue, there’s only one reason he’ll ask: He wants to judge you. So don’t answer. If the number is too low, you’re a loser. If it’s too high, you’re a whore. Consider acting out this scene: Read the rest of this entry »

It’s not because they work (please, let’s not go there).  It’s the economy.  When a recession walks in the door, the networks hike up their skirts.  These ads would have never aired when the economy was good.  

In the past, CNN and the upper-tier cable networks, especially the news networks, consistently refused to air ads like Enzyte because they know they’re selling packaged lies.  But when advertising from established companies with legitimate products dries up, you’ve got to fill up the ad space with something.  

Enzyte is particularly savvy at using the media.  First,   they’ve made a supplement look like a drug.  Under FDA rules drug companies have to list their chemical compositions.  For example, Viagra’s got to print “Sildenafil Citrate” under its brand name, usually in parentheses.

Well, Enzyte lists their chemical composition, too.  “Suffragium Asotas.”  Only problem is, there’s no such chemical. In fact, Suffragium is Latin for “Applause.”  Perfect, for a company trying to give us a standing ovation.

You’d think there’d be stiff penalties for mounting an ad campaign of this sort.  But Enzyte isn’t a drug so the FDA can’t touch it.  

Enzyte’s marketing is brilliant.  They’re not in sleazy tabloids.  They’re in legitimate magazines like Business Week.  They’re not on raunchy TV shows like Maury Povich.  They’re on serious cable channels like CNN and MSNBC.

It’s pure genius.  While the rest of the male enhancement industry is spamming our email with big promises, Enzyte is doing what a lot of dot.commers did in the mid-nineties:  “borrowing” legitimacy from the media.  Remember all those million dollar Super Bowl ads from companies that couldn’t meet payroll?

Men have always had a preoccupation with growing a certain body part.   But it’s always been held in check by the absurdity of the proposition.  Deep down, we know we might as well try to grow our livers.  

A while ago a search engine reported that Enzyte was close to passing Viagra in its “most frequent” search logs. I wish every time a man used a search engine and typed “supplement” they’d get back a response that said, Did You Mean to Type “Swindle?”

When it comes to love and sex, guys have so many problems with the truth they should have business cards that read, “Professional Liar.”

Take a look at any city magazine’s “Most Eligible Bachelor & Bachelorette” feature and you’ll see what I mean.  Here’s a typical answer a guy gave in a section called, “What I look for in a woman:”

“Someone with a good sense of humor who likes to have fun, is confident in who they are, likes to travel, and is honest and goal-oriented.”

Oh, Please.  Ireland’s pastures long for that kind of manure.   We men are visually-oriented sexcentrics, yet we will never, if asked what we look for in a mate, say what we really want: Read the rest of this entry »

If I waited until I truly loved myself I’d still be a virgin.  If I waited until I loved myself I would have never dated.  If I waited until I loved myself I wouldn’t have had a single relationship.  If I waited until I loved myself I’d be…

Dead.  Or worse, boring.

That quote — “You can’t love someone until you love yourself” –is the perfect example of old time narcissism disguised as New Age aphorism.  It’s an excuse for navel-gazing, a feel-good defense of romantic failures.

Whoever came up with that quote got on the Grey Goose bus and misshed their shtop.  It’s like saying you can’t get on the field until you’re good enough to play.  Ah, not quite.  The only way to get good enough to play is to get on the field.

It’s interaction not introspection that builds self-esteem.  Love ain’t a spectator sport.  You don’t score by playing with yourself–that’s emotional masturbation.   Any time you see the word “until” in the same sentence as “love” you know it’s a bunch of crap.

You can put conditions on a lot of things, but love ain’t one of them.

I’m furious at my girlfriends. As more and more gay guys adopt their dating strategies (no sex without dating), people like me are getting less and less sex.

I’m from the old school. I believe in sex before dating.

There’s a reason for that. Nothing kills sexual attraction more than having dinner with a guy so dull even the corn on the cob covers its ears.

Women are socialized to “hang on to it,” as a girlfriend put it, until they get something valuable in exchange.

Men, on the other hand, are socialized to “let go of it.” And the exchange rate has nothing to do with it.

Women have what men want, and this sets up a classic seller’s market: Huge demand and a tight supply. The twist is that the suppliers want to give it away, too, but they can’t because the market is regulated by outside forces–religion, society and empty ring fingers. So while it’s a seller’s market, even the sellers aren’t happy.

Sex between men, however, is the classic example of what happens when supply meets demand:  Everybody’s happy.

Last month I experienced what my girlfriends put their men through— a “forced” date. That’s when you’re forced to pay for play. Meaning, Dinner.

Sound familiar, ladies?

See, a straight woman says, *”I’m sorry, I can’t have sex with you until I get to know you.”*

A gay man says,

Read the rest of this entry »

Unfortunately I forgot to apply my lidocaine ointment an hour before because I was in a huge tearing hurry to go purchase “True Blood-Season One”, so that I could spend some quality recuperation time with Alexander Skarsgard this afternoon.

So I had to go this treatment sans numbing ointment which hurts like burning hell. Just tap your face with a live wire about sixty times or so. Make sure you get into the hairline too, so that you have that burning flesh and hair smell.

June 23rd, 2009 at 1:00 am
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